Dog Star Days JOW #1093

We are in the Dog Days again.  The term “Dog Days” traditionally refers to a period of particularly hot and humid weather occurring during the summer months of July and August. This period of sweltering weather coincides with the year’s morning rising of Sirius, the Dog Star. Interestingly, totally separate ancient cultures with no apparent communication have related the brilliant Sirius with either a wolf or a dog.  This does not, however, have any link to the American term, ‘hot dog’.  However, every year at this miserable time I devote one of my JOWs to our canine companions.  I hope you like them.

I told my dog a joke about fetching a stick

And he didn’t get it…

I threw a ball for my dog...

It was a bit extravagant I know, but it was his birthday and he looks great in a dinner jacket.

 

Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.

 

Dog riddles

Q. How do dog catchers get paid? A. By the pound!

Q: What kind of dog chases anything red? A: A Bulldog.
Q: How are a dog and a marine biologist alike? A: One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.

Q: What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee? A: A Greyhound Buzz.

Q: What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?

A: They get their masters.

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"Have you seen the dog bowl?"

"No. Is he any good?"

+++++

"For sale: Eight puppies from a German shepherd and an Alaskan hussy."

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"What are your dog’s names?"

"Calvin and Klein"
"Like the underwear?"
"They are boxers."

“”””

A sign said, “Do not allow your dog to chase, injure, or worry wildlife.” How is a dog going to “worry” wildlife? Run up to a bird and say: “Hey, is that a lump on you?  It could be a tumor.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Before the dog trainer met with a new client, she had him fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

The client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.” 

A couple of first person dog jokes

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.  I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several days. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap."
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four young children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

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I sat down in a movie theater and noticed that the man in front of me had brought his dog and it was sitting in the seat next to him.

The movie starts and pretty soon there's a funny part. The dog makes some low woofing sounds that seem like laughter. In a little while there's a sad part and the dog appears to be weeping. This continues throughout the film.  I was astounded.
When the lights come up I tap the dog's owner on the shoulder and tell him, "I gotta say, and I know it sounds weird, but it seemed like your dog really enjoyed this movie."
The dog owner looks at the dog and nods. "I know, it really is weird," he says, "because he absolutely hated the book."

<<<<<< 

A man comes home and finds his dog holding his neighbor’s pet rabbit’s lifeless body

Realizing what has happened and fearing his neighbor’s ire, he quickly retrieves the rabbit, washes it and places it back in its cage, hoping his neighbor thinks it died of natural causes.
The following day his neighbor asks him if he knows what happened to Fluffy.

“Er.. Um.. of course not... what happened?”, he replied.

His neighbor explained, “We just found him dead one day. The weird thing is, after we buried him, someone dug him out of his grave, washed him and placed him back in his cage. There are some sick people out there.”

 

Please forgive me for the following jokes.      Let’s consider this a trigger warning.

My girlfriend's dog died so I got her an identical one

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

 

Studies show that atheists are more likely to own dogs than Christians.

Because owning Christians isn't legal, obviously.

 

I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him...

My fault for getting one that’s pure bread.

 

At the subway station I saw a homeless man sitting on the floor with a three legged dog next to a sign that read: “Help, I’m starving.”

He can’t be that hungry, he hasn’t even finished his dog.

 

And finally, a ‘joke’ about cats.

A wife asks her husband to buy a guard dog for their house.

The husband goes to the pet store and asks the clerk for a guard dog.
"I'm sorry," says the clerk. "We're all out of guard dogs. But we do have a guard cat."
"A guard cat?" says the confused husband.
"Yes," replies the clerk. "Allow me to explain." He puts a carpet on the floor and says, "Guard cat, the carpet!"
Suddenly, a cat jumps out of a pen and tears the carpet to shreds.
The clerk points outside and says, "Guard cat, the dead tree!"
The cat runs outside and reduces a large, leafless tree standing next to the sidewalk to a pile of sawdust. Convinced, the husband pays the clerk and goes home with the cat.
"Hey!" says the wife when she sees the cat. "I asked you to buy a guard dog!"
"This is a guard cat," explains the husband. "They were out of guard dogs."
"Yea, right," says the wife, rolling her eyes. "Guard cat, my ass."