This week’s JOW is in honor of Ivan and Sarah’s new son, Wyatt Michal Pinney. He weighed a whopping eight and a half pounds & 21.5”. Which is why his mom was glad to have him out. She was running out of womb. It is hard to make jokes about newborns… the delivery is too painful. But jokes about babies in general are easy.
>>>>>>>
Parent to her friend:
"I'm exhausted. I was up with the baby until 4 a.m."
Friend: "It's
probably not good to keep a baby up that late."
<<<<<<
I rushed to the hospital
when I heard my cousin could neither walk nor speak…
No problem; apparently all newborns are like that.
^^^^^
A baby's laugh is
one of the most beautiful things you will ever hear.
Unless it is 3 a.m.,
you're home alone, and you don't have a baby.
++++++
When Chuck Norris was a
baby he didn't have teddy bears.
He had real bears.
======
Random person to a parent
holding two identical babies: "Hey! Are those twins?"
Parent: "Triplets,
actually. I just leave the ugly one at home."
-------
There was a dad who tried
to keep his wife happy through labor by telling jokes, but she didn't laugh
once. Know why?
It was the delivery.
~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear what the
couple who met while working at an instruction book company named their kid?
Manuel.
``````
A friend asked me if she
should have a baby after 40.
I said no, 40 babies are enough.
……
The nursey attendant told
the parents of a newborn, “You have a cute baby.”
The smiling husband said, “I bet you say that to all the new parents.”
“No,” she replied. “Just to those whose babies really are good-looking.”
The husband asked, “So, what do you say to the others?”
The nurse replied, “The baby looks just like you.”
Some Social Media baby
jokes
Which app can babies use
to see thousands of photos of people who want to buy them toys?
Instagrandma
What social media site is
for babies who want to go on playdates?
Tindergarden
What social media app
helps babies fall asleep by playing long-winded, monotonous conversations?
Napchat
A lady tells the nurse at
a maternity hospital, “I want to call my little baby Ellie.”
The nurse replies, “I’m sorry, but that name is already taken. Perhaps you can
consider naming her Ellie532 or Ellie_153.”
^^^^^^
Observing the baby one
night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib.
Silently she watched him.
As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture
of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, skepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes
glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your
thoughts," she said.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can
make a crib like that for only $46.50."
Some baby riddles
Why can't a parent change
a light bulb?
Because they don't make
diapers small enough.
What do you call a group of baby soldiers?
An infantry.
What position does a baby
plant serve in the army?
Infant tree
New Mom: "Why is
there a strange baby in the crib?"
New Dad: "You told me
to change the baby."
Do you know what a baby computer calls his old man?
Data.
Russian father asks his
infant son...
He says "Hello,
comrade baby.. You know who I am, no?"
The baby responds "Da....da..."
What do you call a really,
really big ant?
A GIANT!
Now what do you call a baby ant?
An Infant!
What do you call an ant that’s into business?
A Merchant!
Who's bigger? Mrs. Bigger,
Mr. Bigger, or their baby?
Their baby — because he's
a little Bigger.
How do you buy unlimited
kid's toys?
Well first, you add a
kid's item to your cart.
And then another...
And then another...
Add infant item
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
When the demon baby
appeared I ignored it for a while.
But eventually I had to
address the hell infant in the room
>>>>>
During a commercial
airline flight an Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe
in arms.
When the baby began crying
during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as
discreetly as possible.
The pilot pretended not to notice and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered
his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.
When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh,
that's a good looking baby. And he sure was hungry!"
Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the
time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.
The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,
"And all these years, I've been chewing gum.”
And finally, a related lawyer joke.
For three years, the young
attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time
he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. A year after his last visit he scheduled
another vacation at the inn. Looking
forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the
inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
“Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I
would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would
have my name!”
“Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all
night talkin’ and talkin’ about whether we’d rather have a bastard in the
family, or a lawyer.”
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