We have all heard about, and experienced the battle of the sexes. Those fortunate enough to be married know that it is a more or less constant conflict; but in a good way – mostly. Just remember that forty eight percent of all marriages end in IKEA.
I have included some marital warfare jokes below for your amusement.
~~~~~~~
Marriage is really tough
because you have to deal with feelings ... and lawyers. – Richard Pryor
I just read that 4,153,237
people got married last year. Not to cause any trouble, but shouldn’t that be
an even number?
Husband walks into the
room.
Wife- “Well, well,
well. If it isn’t the man who let a
snake bite me in my dream last night.”
If I have to choose
between a husband and shoes, I choose shoes. They tend to last longer and are
easier to replace. – Donna B.
Be right back. My wife is in the kitchen and I need to go
stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.
My wife used to use the
silent treatment until she learned that I loved it.
My wife and I have entered
into that part of the relationship where when she says “I need you” it means
moving furniture or killing a bug.
My wife divorced me
recently because I’m a compulsive gambler. All I can think about now is how to
win her back.
I am not divorcing
you. I am just re-defining your role.
What’s the difference
between love and marriage? Love is blind and marriage is an eye-opener.
Marriage is a three-ring
circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.
My wife came home with an
escalator yesterday…she said it was marked down…
My wife is always cold,
but lately she’s getting hot flashes. So
no matter what the temperature is I’m an asshole.
My wife told me that I
twist everything she says to my advantage. I take that as a compliment.
My husband treats me like
a god. He ignores my existence and only talks to me when he needs something.
My wife cooks for me like
I’m a god—by placing burnt offerings before me every night.
When I see lovers' names carved in a tree, I don't think it's sweet. I just think
it's surprising how many people bring a knife on a date.
Husband looks at his wife
in surprise, "Wow darling, you look all different and nice today! Is that
a new hairdo?"
The wife hisses from behind him, "I’m over here, Arnold!"
I lent my girlfriend a lot
of money for cosmetic surgery a while ago. I’ve been trying to get it back now
for weeks. Problem is, I’ve no idea what
she looks like now.
When a newly married man
looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we
wonder why.
Wife – “I’m going to
Target.”
Husband – “What do you
need at Target?”
Wife – “Target will tell
me what I need.”
A retired rancher decided
to go back to school. He made an appointment with the dean of admissions at a
university.
The dean asked him, “Are
you pursuing a bachelor’s degree?”
The rancher replied, “I
want to, but I can’t. I’m still married.”
A husband was standing in
front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring his reflection, when he posed
this question to my wife of 20 years: “Will you still love me when I’m old,
fat, and balding?”
She answered, “I
do.”
Marriage counselor – “Okay
let’s reflect on last week’s session.
Dracula – “I can’t reflect
on anything.”
Dracula’s wife – “Are you
even going to try to take this seriously?”
Marriage Counselor: So,
what brings you here today?
Wife: He takes everything
literally. I can’t stand it.
Husband: (At the same
time) My truck.
A clairvoyant to a man, “I
can see you are the father of 3 kids.”
The man smiles smugly, “No, I have 4 kids.”
The clairvoyant, “That’s what you think.”
A husband and a wife are
having dinner at a nice restaurant. The woman drops some tomato sauce on her
white top. "Oh no, I look like a pig!"
The man nods, "Also, you dropped some tomato sauce on your shirt!"
My girlfriend asked me to
tell her all my previous girlfriends, chronologically. From beginning to end.
OK. I probably should have finished when I got to her name.
>>>>>
“Will marry me?”
“No.”
Two hours of uncomfortable silence in the hot air balloon.
( ) (
) ( )
Darling, I think the new
dryer is shrinking my clothes.”
“No, sweetie that was the fridge.”
Men 1845: I just killed a
buffalo.
Men 1952: I just fixed the roof.
Men 2021: I just shaved my legs.
Do you know why women
aren’t allowed in space?
To avoid scenarios like: "Houston, we have a problem!"
"What is the problem?"
"Yeah, great, pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about!"
A wife complains to her
husband: “Just look at that couple down the road, how lovely they are. He keeps
holding her hand, kissing her, holding the door for her, why can’t you do the
same?”
The husband: “Are you crazy? I barely know the woman!”
My friend Mike had the
solution to forgetting his wife’s birthday and their wedding anniversary: He
opened an account with a local florist and provided it with both dates as well
as instructions to send flowers and a card signed ‘Your loving husband, Mike.’
For a few years, it worked. Then one day, Mike came home on their wedding
anniversary. He saw the flowers on the dining room table and said, “What nice
flowers. Where did you get them?”
And finally
A weeping woman bursts
into her hypnotherapist’s office and declares, “Doctor, I have been faithful to
my husband for 15 years, but yesterday I broke that trust and had an affair!
The guilt is killing me. I just want to forget that it ever happened!”
The hypnotherapist shakes
his head. “Not again …”
No comments:
Post a Comment