I have returned from my Colorado hunting adventure. Apparently I brought winter back with me as it was cold and rainy all the way back to Texas. Going over Monarch Pass (11,300 feet) in November was ‘interesting’; it has been a while since I have driven over ice and snow. I really don’t have a theme for my humor this week, just a bunch a random jokes that I found funny. I hope you do, too.
_____________
I recently took a language
class. We learned about oxymorons. It
was a lot of fun; there were a lot of examples:
freezer
burn;
original
copy;
exact
estimate;
truthful
politician;
caring
insurance,
Microsoft
Works
~~~
Rick Astley will let you
borrow any movie from his Pixar collection, except one. He’s never gonna give
you Up.
‘’’’’
I told my doctor that
I broke my arm in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.
++++
What do you call dangerous
precipitation? A rain of terror.
======
“I stand corrected,” said
the man in the orthopedic shoes.
>>>>>
I asked my North Korean
friend how it was over there, he said he couldn’t complain.
<<<<<<
Recently I introduced two
of my lisping friends to each other.
After a short but rough fist fight they realized that neither was mocking the
other one.
^^^^^
A wife goes to consult a
psychiatrist about her husband: “My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his
morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!”
Psychiatrist: “Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part. “
-------
Late one night, a preacher
was driving on a country road and had a wreck. A farmer stopped and said,
"Sir, are you okay?"
The preacher said,
"Yes, I had the Lord riding with me."
The farmer said,
"Well, you better let him ride with me, because you're gonna kill
him."
‘Ageisms’ from Dick
~The things you used to
care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don't
care to do them anymore.
~You sleep better on a
lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It's called
"pre-sleep".
~You miss the days when
everything worked with just an "ON" and "OFF" switch.
~You tend to use more 4
letter words ... "what?"..."when?"... "what?" .
???
~Now that you can afford expensive
jewelry, it's not safe to wear it anywhere.
~What used to be freckles
are now liver spots.
~Everybody mumbles.
~You have three sizes of
clothes in your closet.... two of which you will never wear.
…..
You know you’re getting
old when your insurance company sends you half a calendar.
I don’t have life
insurance because I’m going out of this world the way I came into it… as a
burden to my family.
Signs of the times
Sign on a shoe repair shop
window:
We will heel you
We will save your
sole
We will even dye
for you.
A sign on a blinds & curtain
truck:
“Blind man
driving.”
Sign over a gynecologist’s
office:
"Dr.
Jones, at your cervix.”
In a podiatrist's office:
"Time
wounds all heels.”
On a septic tank truck:
“Yesterday’s
meals on wheels”
At an optometrist's
office:
"If you
don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a plumber's truck:
"We
repair what your husband fixed.”
On another plumber's
truck:
"Don’t
sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a car dealership:
"The
best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a muffler shop:
"No
appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
At the electric
company:
"We
would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However,
if you don't, you will be de-lighted.”
In a restaurant window:
"Don’t
stand there and be hungry, come on in and get fed up.”
In a radiator shop:
"Best
place in town to take a leak.”
An apartment building is
on fire and a woman screams out the window for help.
“Just jump out the window,” a man yells. “I’m a baseball player. I can catch
you.”
“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”
“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.
“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”
------
Three farmers were sitting
at the local cafe drinking coffee. The subject of the lottery and what they
would do if they won came up.
"I think I would take some time off and go on a cruise. I've always wanted
to go on a cruise." said the first farmer.
"First thing I would do is buy a fancy sports car. I've always wanted
a fast car." said the second farmer.
The third farmer was sitting quietly, fidgeting a little. "Come on, what
would you do with your millions?" Asked the other two farmers.
Reluctantly the third farmer answered "I reckon I would just go on farming
like I have been until the money runs out."
+++++
The CEO at Euro A Bank Ltd
got economists thinking when he said:
"A cyclist is a
disaster for a country's economy. He does not buy a car and does not take out a
car loan. Does not buy car insurance. Does not buy fuel. Does not send his car
for servicing and repairs. Does not use paid parking. Does not become obese.
Yes - and he stays well, damn it!! Healthy people are not needed for an
economy.
They do not buy drugs. They do not go to hospitals and doctors. They take too
long to die, depriving funeral homes of high casket charges. They add nothing
to a country's GDP.
On the contrary, every new McDonald's outlet creates at least 30 jobs: 10
cardiologists, 10 dentists, 10 weight-loss experts apart from the people working
in the McDonald's outlet.
Walking is even worse.
These people don't even buy a bicycle!!"
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