Medico JOW #1108

 I consider myself a lifelong learner.  I certainly enjoy learning new things.  I learned two weeks ago, for example, that I needed another stent, which was duly installed.  During my recovery I got to learn all sorts of acronyms like CHD and CHF.  Interesting stuff if somewhat alarming.  I also learned that a cardiologist is not a doctor who brings you cards.  All that got me thinking on the subject of the medical profession.  There is an abundance of humor on that sometimes grim theme.  Here are a few jokes on that theme:

·         Why is the President demanding everyone get vaccinated?  He likes to call the shots.

·         You should look up to surgeons who successfully help people lose weight through liposuction? What they do takes guts.

·         Why does everyone love cardiac surgeons? They touch so many people's hearts.

·         How did a junior surgeon get entry into a prestigious surgical conference? He made the cut.

·         Where do plastic surgeon get all of the new noses from? They buy them from the olfactory.

·         How did your friend's hepatectomy go? We weren't sure that it was going to be successful at first, but thankfully the surgeons de-livered.

·         What did the nurse tell the surgeon when he asked her how the girl who swallowed some coins was doing? ‘We haven't seen any change yet.’

 

Some ‘self-help’ medical jokes

 

Have you heard about that new do-it-yourself orthodontist? Brace yourself

 

My doctor was really supportive when the patient told him that he was going to administer anesthesia to himself before the surgery. He told me to knock myself out.

 

And then the patient demanded that he sew up his own wound? ‘Fine, suture self,’ said the doctor.

 

A doctor come in to see his new patient.  “You tell me you have neurofibromatosis.  Can you please tell me what that is?”

^^^^^^

A doctor was checking his schedule two hours before his shift was over to see how many operations he had left. "Three done, tumor to go", muttered the doctor when he saw the schedule.

 

I've decided to drop the idea of being a cardiac surgeon. I don't have the heart to complete medical school.

^^^^^^

I’d never had surgery, and I was nervous. “This is a very simple, noninvasive procedure,” the anesthesiologist reassured me. I felt better, until he continued … “Heck, you have a better chance of dying from the anesthesia than the surgery itself.”

Before heading off to Mexico on vacation, a woman asked her doctor for medicine to ward off any potential stomach troubles. Instead, the doctor prescribed bottled water and electrolytes, “which have simple sugars and salt.”

She liked that. “Oh, like a margarita?”

 .....

A woman was in the emergency room when a young male nurse came in to ask routine medical questions.

Nurse: Have you ever had a hysterectomy?

Woman: Yes.

Nurse: When?

Woman: 2011.

Nurse: Do you think you could be pregnant?

Woman: Do you think this is the right career for you?

========

Our doctor’s office called to let my husband know that the results from his blood tests came back and he was just fine. That didn’t suit my husband.

“What’s my cholesterol level?” he asked.

“Mr. Crocker, you are just fine,” insisted the nurse.

“Still, I’d like you to mail me the results.”

A few days later, he received a postcard from the doctor’s office. It read, “Mr. Crocker, you are just fine!”

+++++

Phlebotomist: I’m here to draw some blood. 

Patient: But I just received blood yesterday. 

Phlebotomist: You didn’t think you’d get to keep it, did you?

~~~~~

After a checkup, a doctor asked his patient, “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”

“Well,” said the patient, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”

“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”

“Yes, we took a vote … and they’re in favor of it 9 to 2.

-----

Three guys are fishing when an angel appears and offers healing for them.

The first guy says, “I’ve suffered from back pain for years. Can you help me?”

The angel touches the man’s back, and he feels instant relief.

The second guy points to his thick glasses and begs for a cure for his poor eyesight. When the angel tosses the lenses into the lake, the man gains 20/20 vision. As the angel turns to the third fellow, he instantly recoils and screams,

“Don’t touch me! I’m on disability!”

Some pet medico jokes

The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter – he's got to just know.  - Will Rogers

It was time for my dog's annual checkup. Following the vet's instructions, I collected a stool sample and dropped it in a plastic container before we left for his office. When we arrived, I handed the sample to the receptionist, who immediately cracked a smile. The container read "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter."

 

And finally on of my favorite jokes

An elderly man goes in to his clinic for a checkup. After examining him and reviewing his labs, his clinician tells him, ‘Everything is fine, especially for your age.’

‘For my age?’ asks the patient. I am only 71. Do you think I can make it to 90?’

‘Well’, said the clinician, ‘do you drink or smoke?’

‘No’, said the man.

‘Do you eat fatty meat or sweets?’

‘No’, the patient replied. ‘I am very cautious about my diet.’

‘Do you engage in any high-risk behaviors like skiing or sky-diving?’

‘Of course not! I always play it safe.’

The clinician thought a moment. ‘Well, then why in the world would you want to live to be 90?’