Book'em JOW #1128

 I recently read an article that commented that certain books define a generation: for the Boomers; Lord of the Rings – a story of heroes overcoming an evil empire.  For the Millennials it was Harry Potter – a plucky, diverse set of young people saving their world mostly in spite of their stogy elders.  For the Zoomers, AKA Gen Z, it was the Hunger Games, a grim dystopian tale of a female overthrowing a corrupt and brutal society.  Of course, Zoomers probably didn’t read the books but saw the movie as Zoomers don’t read (said the novelist whose books only sold a few hundred copies). I wish more people read.  Dinosaurs didn’t read. Now they’re extinct.

My jokes this week focus on books and bookish things.

 

Modern literature

Youth dystopian novel protagonist: “I guess you could say there’s a darkness in me. I’m not normal, never have been.”
Barista at Starbucks: “Ma’am are you going to order anything?”

Writing of authors,

I love that Charles Dickens got paid by the word. It is hard to be mad when he’s boring and long-winded because you would do exactly the same? I wouldn’t use contractions or colors at all. Do you want to say the word red? Too bad. We are now only using “the color of freshly-spilled blood on snow; the hue of the horizon when the sun sets over the deserts of sub-Saharan Africa” BOOM guess who can afford to eat now?

What I love about Alexandre Dumas, in contrast, is he got paid by the line. So it’s not really wordy, it more like 80% dialogue which makes it sound pretty modern but also ends up like-

“Where are we going now?”

“We are going to the city.”

“Which city?”

“Paris.”

“We are going to Paris?”

“Yes.”

 

And then there is Shakespeare.  Comparing your relationship to Romeo and Juliet to express how in love you are is kind of like using Hamlet to demonstrate how close and well-adjusted your family life is

 

What do you get when you mix alcohol and literature? 

Pick one of three

·         Tequila mockingbird

·         F. scotch Fitzgerald

·         Ernest Hemingway

 

Some fun authors and their books.

o   Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face

o   All You Need to Know about Explosives by Dinah Mite

o   Improve Your Target Shooting by Ms Completely

o   The Insurmountable problem by Major Setback

o   The Worst Journey in the World by Helen Back

o   How to Diet Successfully by M. T. Cupboard

o   Separation anxiety by Miles Apar

o   Making the Most of Life by Maxie Mumm

o   Outsize Clothes-buying by Ellie Fant

o   The World of Vegetables by Artie Choak

o   A Call for Assistance by Linda Hand.

o   At the South Pole by Anne Tarctic

o   Garden Water Features by Lily Pond

o   Winning the Lottery by Jack Potts

o   Shipwrecked by Mandy Lifeboats.

 

Quick riddles

Why are books so afraid of their sequels? Because they always come after them.

 

What did the man say when a book fell on his head? I only have my-shelf to blame.

 

What do you say when your thesaurus is stolen? Nothing, you'll be lost for words.

 

Where does a librarian sleep? Between the covers.

 

What does a librarian take to go fishing? Book worms.

 

What’s the difference between a boring person and a boring book? You can shut the book up.

 

I love bookstores.  Too bad they are dying out.  Here are some bookstore quotes:

No one ever shouts in a bookstore.
- Lillian Jackson Braun
It is clear that the books owned the shop rather than the other way about. Everywhere they had run wild and taken possession of their habitat, breeding and multiplying, and clearly lacking any strong hand to keep them down.
- Agatha Christie
When I visit a new bookstore, I demand cleanliness, computer monitors, and rigorous alphabetization. When I visit a secondhand bookstore, I prefer indifferent housekeeping, sleeping cats, and sufficient organizational chaos.
- Anne Fadiman
What do I miss? Second-hand bookshops where I can find things I had no idea I wanted.
- David Mitchell

 

Which led to other book quotes

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
- Woody Allen
One trouble with developing speed reading skills is that by the time you realize a book is boring you've already finished it.
- Franklin P. Jones

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading contest. I hit a bookmark.
- Stephen Wright

Reading made Don Quixote a gentleman. Believing what he read made him mad.
- George Bernard Shaw

I have been told by hospital authorities that more copies of my works are left behind by departing patients than those of any other author.
- Robert Benchley

I think it is good that books still exist, but they do make me sleepy.
- Frank Zappa

A good novel tells us the truth about its hero; but a bad novel tells us the truth about its author.
- Gilbert K. Chesterton

A library is a place where you can lose your innocence without losing your virginity.
- Germaine Greer

Never judge a book by its movie. —J. W. Eagan

 

Honest book covers

A Game of Thrones by George R.R. Martin

All the best characters die or go bad

War and Peace by Leo Tolstoy

Pretend you have read this book to impress your friends

It by Stephen King

Clowns are scary

Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll

Alice experiments with drugs

Twilight by Stephanie Meyer

Three books about a teen-aged girl and her first boyfriend

Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone by J.K. Rowling

Get rewarded for ignoring the teachers at your fancy boarding school

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory by Roald Dahl

Sugar induced hallucinations

The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald

Money can’t buy you love

The Wind in the Willows by Kenneth Grahame

Talking animals do very British things

Gone Girl by Gillian Flynn

Horrible, horrible people