For the Birds JOW #1126

 A typical sign of spring rolling around is the return of songbirds who retire to places in the south where they can find food.  Now they are headed back north, with literal flocks of robins, cardinals, and other migratory songbirds stopping by my fountain for a drink and short bath.  So with birds on my mind I thought I would use birds for my theme this week.  Enjoy.

 

Two marijuana users were killed when an aircraft collided with a large buzzard and crashed into a house shortly after takeoff.

Experts are saying it's the first recorded instance of killing two stoners with one bird.

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A blonde was walking with her friend, when her friend said "look! A dead bird! That's so sad!"
The blonde then quickly looked up in the sky and said "Where?"

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A traveling sideshow put up a help wanted ad. A man walked in and applied for a job.
The sideshow owner brings him in for an interview and asks, "Ok, what's your talent? What can you do for me?"
The guy says "I do a really great bird impression!"
The owner responds, "Pff, no thanks. Plenty of people can do that."
So the guy says "Oh..ok...well thanks anyway,' and flies away.

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My friend was harassing me with bird puns

But toucan play at that game.

>>>>> 

Dad: "A little bird told me you are doing drugs"

Son: "You're talking to birds, and I'm the one doing drugs?"

<<<<< 

A blonde woman was trying to do a Jigsaw Puzzle

She got very frustrated that she struggling so she decided to ask her husband for help.
She said "Can you help me finish this puzzle, It’s supposed to be a Bird"
Her husband replied "Put the Froot Loops back in the Cupboard"

^^^^^^

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten or fifteen minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the birds to get off of the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this, and graduated.

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A mummy calls a restaurant.

- Hello, I'd like to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakhrakhotep I.
- Could you spell it out, please?
- Of course. Bird, two triangles, wavy line, the sun, bird again, jackal's head and a scarab.

Some bird riddles

What's got two eyes, but can't see, two wings, but can't fly, and two legs, but can't walk?

A dead bird.

 

What do you call a bird that's afraid of heights?

A chicken

 

What do you call a bird who never remembers song lyrics?

A hummingbird

 

What do you call a bird born in the 90s?

A Millennial Falcon

 

What's the difference between a fly and a bird?

A bird can fly but a fly can't bird.

 

What's the difference between Swine flu, and Bird flu?

One requires 'oinkment' and the other needs 'tweetment'.

 

What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonade

(Okay, not a bird joke but I always like that one)

 

What kind of bird works on a construction site?

A Crane.

 

What's the difference between the USA and a bird?

On a bird, the left wing and the right wing work together to benefit the whole bird.

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A mother had a son who was lazy and wouldn’t wake up early.

His mom wanted to teach him a lesson about the benefits of waking up early.
She said: Son, I am going to tell you a little story and then i want you to tell me what did you learn from it ok?
Son: Ok
Mom: Imagine two birds. First bird always wakes up early and can find bugs to feed himself and his family. The second bird wakes up late every day and can’t find anything to eat. So what did you learn from this.
Son: I learned that the bugs that wake up early gets eaten by birds

~~~~~~~

A woman walks into a pet store, and is perusing through the various animals when she comes across one of the most beautiful parrots she has ever seen. She's taken aback by the tropical beauty of this bird, and when she looks on the price tag on the cage it says 50$. The woman turns to the man at the front counter and asks "Why is a bird this beautiful being sold for this little?"

The man looks up and says "Oh, that bird was originally kept in a house of prostitution, and boy does he have a mouth".

The woman takes the words to heart but buys the bird anyway. She buys it, and takes it home with her. She puts the bird in the living room. Suddenly the bird squawks "NEW HOUSE NEW MADAME!" The woman is put off by this but she figures that in a few days the bird will get over it. Her daughters come home from school and the bird speaks again "NEW HOUSE, NEW MADAME, NEW GIRLS!" Again the woman is off put but she assures her kids that the bird will grow out of its old habits. The woman's husband gets back in from a day at work. The parrot takes one look at him and squawks: "HI PAT!"

And in conclusion

I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of Free Bird being played. I headed to the stage to find my local magistrate behind the guitar. I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his cover.