Social (media) Disease #1129

I have made jokes about Social Media in the past. I have now been social media-free for over 150 days.  I never really got hooked on Social Media.  I stayed away from the hard stuff: Twitter, Instagram, Tic Toc and Reddit.  Now I find I my mind is clearer and I am not so angry at things all the time.  We used to get along without social networks.  When I was kid, my social network was called “outside”.  

Here are a few jokes about social media.

 

What’s the opposite of social media? Social life.

 

Social media is like waking up in a mental asylum. You have no idea you’re committed until you try to leave.

 

 Have you heard about the social media stars who have the flu? They’re Instagram Influenzas

 

Do you remember how before social media nobody cared what, where and with whom you ate? Nobody cares now, either.

 

As part of a promotion, we set up two of our Facebook fans on a blind date. The program was a failure because they didn’t click.

 

Sociologists say that social media is creating the laziest generation ever.

I expressed my opinion in great detail by hitting the “Like” button.

 

When social media bans images of women breast feeding it shows a real intolerance…lactose intolerance.

 

What’s Forrest Gump’s social media password? 1forrest1

 

What do you get when you cross a social media site with a Chinese investor? [redacted]

 

 I hate it when people outright copy and paste somebody’s joke on Twitter and post it on a different social media platform. Retweet if you agree.

 

The amount of advertising on the net is super surprising. What’s not surprising? How much money you can save with GEICO Renters Insurance.

 

Golden rule of social media, “Tweet others the way you want to be tweeted”.

 

There’s a new social media app created by the bakers’ union called “breadit”. You can buy a loaf on it but only if it’s stale and has been posted by 6 bakers in the last week.

 

My doctor refuses to post my diagnosis to social media…He says my disease is untweetable…

 

What do social media Influencers and flashers have in common? They both think people want their exposure.

 

Why do trolls no longer live under bridges, but instead live above them?

They get a better signal.

 

The redditor says “I think I am going to go home and spend time with the wifi.”

 

I tried to start a religious social media page called Faithbook…but it was deemed offensive by the American Lisp Association.

 

A new social media site is sweeping over college campuses. Mysafespace.

 

A Social Media Consultant walks into a bar and orders a drink. He copies-and-pastes the drink to five other bars and requests that they become a fan of it, then bills the first bar for six drinks.

 

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar - You won’t believe what happens next. It was shocking!

 

I tried making an anti-social media platform. But it never went anywhere.

 

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals. It’s the TikTok Tic Tac tactic.

 

How can you spot the losers in a social media War? They’re the ones yelling, “Retweet! Retweet!!”

 

For the younger crowd

Being on social media is like having sex: it’s fun until you know your parents do it too

 

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods. He told me I can’t just Thoreau my life away.

 

I told my Dad I am going to delete all of my social media accounts, throw away my electronics and go live in the woods. He told me I can’t just Thoreau my life away.

 

I told my mother my wife was pregnant. That was the moment she became an Instagram.

~~~~~

A social media researcher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Have you ever noticed that women have fewer complaints in the month of February?" he asks the bartender.

"Really?" the bartender asks. "I hadn't noticed. Is it because of Valentine's Day?"

"No," the researcher replies. "Near as we can tell it's because February only has 28 days."

A true social media story

A woman from Quebec on long-term sick leave has stopped receiving monthly benefits after she posted Facebook photos of herself having fun. A year and a half ago the woman was granted leave from her job because of a depression diagnosis and has been receiving sick-leave benefits every month from her insurance company.
However, the pictures posted on the networking site showed her frolicking on a beach, having fun at a Chippendales show and enjoying her birthday party, made her look rather happy. So the insurance company assumed she was no longer depressed and stopped paying the benefits.

 

Enough social media.  Here are a few amusing plurals of groups, some of which are real.

A Glory of Larks

A Congress of Baboons

A Bloat of Hippopotamuses

A Staph of Doctors.

A Clog of Plumbers.

A Facade of Politicians.

A Crash of Stockbrokers

A Smirk of Puns from fan.

A Sneak of Weasels from fan

A Shaker of Salt-Truck Drivers

A Brace of Seatbelts.

A Bevy of Chevys.

An Orbit of Saturns

A Hodgepodge of Dodges. 

And finally

It's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so here is my last joke:
An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Dutch, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Chinese, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Portuguese, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Czech, a Slovak, a Bosnian, a Jordanian, an Armenian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a South African, a Pilipino, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Dane, a Norwegian, an Argentinian, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African all went to a fancy night club.
The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."