Deep Quotes JOW #1143

We are still luxuriating in the cool Rockies while the rest of the country swelters.   But I am not going waste my vacation with meaningless rest and relaxation.  So here are some humorous (I hope) bits starting with some deep quotes from one of my favorite characters, Homer Simpson.

 

·         “Facts are meaningless. You could use facts to prove anything that's even remotely true.”

·         “Books are useless! I only ever read one book, “To Kill A Mockingbird,” and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds! Sure, it taught me not to judge a man by the color of his skin… but what good does that do me?”

·         “Lisa, if you don't like your job you don't strike. You just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.”

·         “Son, if you really want something in this life, you have to work for it. Now quiet! They're about to announce the lottery numbers.”

·         “What's the point of going out? We're just gonna wind up back here anyway.”

·         “I believe that children are our future. Unless we stop them now.”

·         "Dear Lord, the gods have been good to me. As an offering, I present these milk and cookies. If you wish me to eat them instead, please give me no sign whatsoever...thy will be done."

·         “I'm normally not a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me Superman.”

·         “When I first heard that Marge was joining the police academy, I thought it would be fun and zany, you know like that movie... "Spaceballs". But instead, it was dark and disturbing, like that movie "Police Academy”.”

·         “The information superhighway showed the average person what some nerd thinks about Star Trek.”

·         “If something’s hard to do, then it’s not worth doing.”

·         “Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.”

·         “Oh my god, space aliens. Please don't eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!”

·         Sensitive love letters are my specialty. 'Dear Baby, Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: you.'

·         “I’m going back in time to when dinosaurs weren’t just confined to zoos.”

·         “I’m like that guy who single-handedly built the rocket & flew to the moon. What was his name? Apollo Creed?”

·         "Marge, this ticket doesn't just give me a seat. It also gives me the right - no, the duty - to make a complete ass of myself."

·         “Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa's teeth, he gets to break yours.”

·         "Yes, honey... Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

·         “I can’t even say the word ‘titmouse’ without giggling like a schoolgirl.”

·         “Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!”

·         “All my life I've had one dream, to achieve my many goals.”

·         “Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.”

·         “When will I learn? The answers to life's problems aren't at the bottom of a bottle, they're on TV!”

·         “Aw, people can come up with statistics to prove anything, Kent. 14 percent of all people know that.”

·         “Marge don't discourage the boy! Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It's what separates us from the animals! Except the weasel.”

·         “Remember that postcard Grandpa sent us from Florida of that Alligator biting that woman's bottom? That's right, we all thought it was hilarious. But it turns out we were wrong. That alligator was sexually harassing that woman.”

·         “It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

·         “Maybe, just once, someone will call me 'Sir' without adding, 'You/re making a scene’.”

And my all-time favorite Homer quote:

·         “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life's problems.”

 

I haven’t done any knock knock jokes for a while.  Here are a few just for fun.

Knock knock.

Who's there?

Yoda lady.

Yoda lady who?

I didn't know you could yodel!

 

Knock knock.

Who's there?

To.

To who?

It's to whom.

 

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Cook.

Cook who?

Yeah, you do sound kinda crazy.

 

Knock knock.

Who’s there? 

HIPAA.

HIPAA who? 

I’m sorry, I’m not authorized to release that information.

 

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dejav.

Dejav who?

Knock, knock.

 

Some of you might be familiar with ‘Pluggers’, a cartoon strip that highlights creatures he calls ‘pluggers’; a plugger is a blue-collar working critter espousing the working-class lifestyle.

Here are a few examples:

·         You might be a Plugger if you miss drinking Tab

·         A Plugger hangover is the one that ‘hangs over’ his belt

·         A Plugger isn’t ever sure whether his beach towel shrank in the wash or his beach bod grew in the winter

·         You know you are a Plugger when you can comb your ‘hair’ with a towel.

·         Plugger cologne: AKA bug spray

·         Pluggers know how much a sawbuck and two bits are worth

·         A plugger remembers when the gas gallons meter numbers went faster than the dollars meter numbers.

·         You might be a plugger if you go to the beach and do everything you can to avoid getting a tan.

·         Pluggers are not talking to themselves.  They are just thinking out loud.

·         You have become a plugger when you notice all curbs are now higher and take longer to step over.

·         A plugger’s golf handicap is arthritis.

·         When a plugger’s computer starts acting up, you can be sure the problem is the connection between the chair and the mouse.

·         You’re a plugger if you walk with a limp and you don’t even know why.

And finally, an actual joke.

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night.
It was her turn, she rolled the dice and landed on "Science & Nature".
Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"

She thought for a time, and then asked, "Is it on or off?"