Mindlessness JOW #1146

I have a somewhat spiritual JOW this week, specifically, a lot of jokes about Buddhism.  There are lots of good jokes about Buddhism.  Of course, in order to get the jokes you need to have some understanding of that philosophy.  Alas, my karma ran over my dogma, but I do know enough to poke some gentle fun to our gentle Buddhist neighbors. 

 

Zen koans for the Internet age

·         If an anonymous comment goes unread, is it still irritating?

·         What is the sound of no hands texting?

·         If nobody likes your selfie, what is the value of the self?

·         To see a man’s true face, look to the photos he hasn’t posted.

 

Zen GPS:

·         Follow your bliss

·         The Obstacle is the path

·         If you aim for it, you are turning away from it.

·         Wherever you go, there you are. Your luggage is another story.

 

Buddhist complement: I have never met anyone so thoughtless.

 

Buddhist conundrum: What do you do when you have freed yourself of all desires except the desire to be free from desire?

 

Boomer Buddhist: ‘Guru’ is so passé.  I prefer Wisdom Consultant.

 

Millennial Buddhist: the best way to achieve enlightenment is to argue with people on Facebook

 

Gen Z Buddhist: Today I will live in the moment.  Unless the moment is unpleasant. Then I will eat a cookie.

 

Cat Buddhist:  Imagine the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball.

 

Buddhist Greeting Card – Not Thinking of You.

 

Zen crossword puzzle.

1. Across          Nothing 

1. Down           Nothing

 

Drink tea and nourish life.

With the first sip… joy.

With the second… satisfaction.

With the third…. peace.

With the fourth…. a Danish.

 

One Zen student said, “My teacher is the best. He can go days without eating.”

The second said, “My teacher has so much self-control, he can go days without sleep."

The third said, “My teacher is so wise that he eats when he’s hungry and sleeps when he’s tired.”

 

A Buddhist monk walks up to a hotdog stand and says...

"Make me one with everything."
Despite this being an overused statement, the vendor serves him a hotdog as he is a customer. When the monk asks if he has 27 cents, the vendor replies "Change comes from within."
The monk then pulls out a pistol from inside his robe shows it to the vendor and states "I have found my inner piece."

=====

I was glad to see my Buddhist friends to joining and chant in protest.

Everyone knows the more Ohms, the greater the resistance.

Buddhist riddles

Q: Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

A: He only made it to Nearvana.

 

Q: Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

A: He kept marking the cause of death as “birth.”

 

Q: How many Zen Buddhists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Three — one to change it, one to not-change it and one to both change- and not-change it.

 

Q: How many Buddhists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: None, they enlighten themselves.

 

Q: Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

A: He kept marking the cause of death as “birth.”

 

Q: What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?

A: Inquire within!

 

Q. What did the Buddhist tell the door-to-door sales person who came to his home selling vacuum cleaners?

A. Too many attachments!

 

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?

A: He enters Nerdvana.

 

Q: What did the sign in the monastery searching for new monks say?

A: Inquire within!

Q: Why can't Buddhists learn binary code?

A: Because they are at one with everything.

^^^^^

 

A Zen student asked his master: “Is it okay to use email?”

“Yes”, replied the master, “but with no attachments.”

 

The Master instructed his pupil: “Do you understand that you don’t really exist?”

Upon which the pupil replies: “To whom are you telling that?”

 

Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon. Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!” he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”

 

Zen master told me, “Do the opposite of what I tell you.” So I didn’t.

 

If your plane of consciousness is too high an oxygen mask will descend from the ceiling.

 

Then there are hillbilly Buddhists.  They believe in reintarnation.

 

First Buddhist: "How's life?"

Second Buddhist: "I've had better."

 

An ad posted on Craigslist

One slightly used ego for sale. This ego runs well and has been meticulously maintained.  It comes complete with attachments, false ideas about what defines you, hopes, fears, and anxieties.  Great at distracting you from seeing things as they really are.  Comes with a lifetime warranty.

I have begun meditating so I am looking to get rid of it as soon as possible to make room for the present moment.

Enough with the Buddhist jokes

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” he says.

“Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

 

The editor of a Vermont weekly sent to one Hiram Sparks a notice that his subscription had expired.

The notice came back with the laconic scrawl: “So’s Hiram.”

 

 “I don’t think I look thirty, do you, dear?” asked the wife.

“No, darling, not now,” her husband replied. “But you used to.”

 

Comedian W.C. Fields, describing a dry town that did not sell whiskey: “We lived for days on nothing but food and water.”

 

Finally, an old English joke.

Mrs. Smythe was making final arrangements for an elaborate reception. “Nora,” she said to her veteran servant, “for the first half-hour I want you to stand at the drawing-room door and call the guests’ names as they arrive.”

Nora’s face lit up. “Thank you, ma’am,” she replied. “I’ve been wanting to do that to some of your friends for the last 20 years.”