WeightyJOW #1145

 Like many people I keep trying to lose weight, but it keeps finding me.  I could lose weight if I wanted to; but I hate losing.   But I am on a diet now.  Of course, the only difference in my life when I’m on a diet is instead of saying, “I ate some nachos,” I say, “I accidentally ate some nachos.”  Here is a collection of jokes about dieting; can the collective of that be referred to as: ‘a binge of jokes’?

 

My doctor told me to lose some weight.

I said, "How?"
He said "Don't eat anything fatty."
I said, "You mean pies, chips, that sort of thing?"
He said, "No, just don't eat anything, fatty."

 

Nutritionist: You should eat 1,500 calories a day. 

Me: OK, and how many a night?

 

If we’re not meant to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

 

You can’t lose weight by talking about it. You need to keep your mouth shut.

 

I recently visited a website with tips for losing weight and a popup asked me if I accepted cookies. Is that a trick question?

 

Wouldn’t it be so great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 minutes and come out wrinkle free and a couple of sizes smaller?

 

I started a new diet where I only eat things I can pronounce. I thought it would help me lose weight, it expanded both my waist and my vocabulary.

 

The closest I’ve been to a diet this year is erasing food searches from my browser history.

 

Did you hear about the criminal who wanted to lose weight to fit into smaller clothes?

Last I heard, he was still at Large.

 

Did you know LSD can make you lose weight?

Because you can't get to the fridge if there's huge, knarly dragon guarding it.

 

What do you call a Greek god who wants to lose weight?

A Diety

 

Contrary to popular beliefs, losing weight is a piece of cake.  Just don't pick it up.

 

I discovered a shortcut today. If you put your Fitbit in the dryer, you can get a head start on your steps. I had 3,800 steps in before I put on my pants!

 

Why did the diet coach send her clients to the paint store? She heard you could get thinner there.

 

Q: How does the Energizer bunny stay in shape?

A: The Alkaline diet.

 

If you think eggplant is good, you should try any other food; it’s much better. 

 

“Nothing looks good on me anymore,” wailed a customer modeling an outfit in front of the department store’s mirror.

“Nonsense, ma’am,” soothed the salesclerk. “That dress says it all.”

“That’s the problem,” the woman replied. “I need a dress that keeps its mouth shut.”

 

Some Aussie idioms.

Floordrobe - Someone who spreads their clothes around the bedroom floor.

Fitness centre - A place where they leave no stern untoned.

Salad dodger - Fatso.

 

And some random words that desperately need to be invented.

Chairdrobe (n.): piling clothes on 
a chair in place of a closet or dresser. 

Epiphanot (n.): an idea that seems like an amazing insight to the conceiver but is in fact pointless, mundane, stupid, or incorrect. 

Internest (n.): the cocoon of blankets and pillows you gather around yourself while spending long periods of time on the Internet. 

Textpectation (n.): the anticipation felt when waiting for a response to a text. 

Unkeyboardinated (adj.): when you’re unable to type

Tanorexia - Devoted to getting a suntan.

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A man loved to eat and did so with gusto—to the distress of his wife, who worried about his weight. One evening he was devouring a snack of cheese spread and crackers. As he scraped the last bit of spread from its container, he asked his wife if she wanted to save the jar.

“No, it’s okay,” the wife replied. “Go ahead and eat it.”

 

Here is a joke from an earlier time.  Remember the old ‘Tunnels of Love’?  They were like Disney’s “It’s a Small World’ ride, only without the annoying song the robots sing.  I heard that ride was used to elicit confessions from terrorists before it was stopped by the UN.  Anyone, once upon a time, young couples would snuggle up in the warm darkness of a boat ride in the private darkness.

 

A gawky lad from New England came to New York with his girl, and took her to nearby Playland Amusement Park. They had heard a lot about the Tunnel of Love and were especially anxious to try it out. But when they got home, the kids expressed disappointment.

“Shucks,” the boy said, “It was dark and damp and uncomfortable. Besides, we got soaking wet.”

“How come?” asked a friend. “Did the boat leak?”

The kid looked amazed. “There’s a boat?”

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Neighbors of ours had a terrible disagreement over a patio they wanted for their backyard. The wife had rather grand ideas, while the husband wanted costs kept to a minimum. The wife won out, and the construction bill climbed higher and higher. A friend dropped by one day, when the patio was near completion, and was surprised to find the husband smiling from ear to ear as the workmen smoothed over the surface. He remarked how nice it was to see a grin replace the frown he had been wearing lately.

“You see where they’re smoothing that cement?” he replied. “I just threw my wife’s credit cards in there.”

And finally, fittingly, a couple of slow turtle jokes

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police show up, they ask him what happened. The shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.” 

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One day a man showed up at the office wearing a pair of new shoes made of turtle skin. When a co-worker asked him how he liked them, he replied thoughtfully, “Well, they’re the most comfortable shoes I’ve ever worn but I do have one unusual problem with them. It took me an hour and a half to walk out of the store.”