The world has become a very serious place recently. I noticed it when I sat down to do my JOW this week. I try to keep my eyes (and ears) open for humorous bits, but this is hard when you are on the road, coming back from the high country to the sweltering coast Gulf plains. Thus my jokes are bit late and discombobulated this week. I hope you can find a few of them amusing.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit
Wisdom is knowing not to put tomatoes in a
fruit salad
Philosophy is wondering if ketchup is a
smoothie
Common sense is knowing that ketchup is not a smoothie
Roombas can’t live in the wilderness. Nature abhors a vacuum.
If you had told me when I was a kid I would have robots calling my house I would have thought it was neat. Now robots ARE calling me several times a day and I find it really annoying.
What rock group has only four members but none
of them sing?
Mount Rushmore. They were supposed to have five members but they forgot to plan ahead.
Cows kill more people than sharks. Of course, I am surprised cows kill any
sharks at all.
There is a new restaurant in town called the
Manhattan Project. It’s a fusion
restaurant.
Most people don’t know plutonium is
edible. Once.
SETI is looking for intelligent life. All its antenna are pointed away from Earth.
Does anyone else wonder that the name of the
first ‘man’ on the moon, Neil A. is alien spelled backward.
Fact: There is a species of mushroom that if
eaten once is enough to feed a person until the end of their life.
I love the way the Earth rotates. It really makes my day.
I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just
going to ask where they're going and hook up with 'em later.
Did you know that camels can last longer
without water than sex?
They can go three weeks without water, but
can't go a day without a hump.
I can run faster than a shark, but a shark can
swim faster than me.
So in a triathlon it would come down to who is
the better cyclist.
I love watching programs about lakes and
rivers on the internet. Anything water
related, really. Right now I am watching
a live stream right now.
Oops, it just stopped.
Dam.
When asked for his name by the coffee shop
clerk, the customer answered, “Marc, with a C.” Minutes later, he was handed
his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark.
A friend’s wife just completed a 40 week body
building program. He weighed in at 7
pounds six ounces. The gains are
becoming a parent.
Therapist: I’ve concluded that you are
incapable of describing your feelings.
Patient: I can’t say that I am surprised!
Here is a question for all you mind readers…..
Some social media exchanges
Mother: My son
keeps eating electric cords.
Therapist: Ground
him until he learns how to conduct himself.
Him: Good socks
don’t need shoes.
Her: Other way
round
Him: Shoes need
don’t socks good.
I know pronounce
you husband and wife. You may now update
your Meta status.
Private eyes are
now being asked to follow people on Twitter.
An old witch joined a bunch of Millennial
witches and noticed that she was the only one riding a broom, the rest were on
vacuum cleaners.
“Am I the only one who still drives a stick?”
The younger witches sneered, “Okay Broomer.”
^^^^
Bouncer: “Sorry, I need to see an ID.”
Girl: “I told you I’m 30. Why would anyone lie
about that?”
>>>>
If you grew up watching movies in the ’80s how
come you and your friends haven’t found a treasure map by now?
``````
A woman was on her way to meet her husband at
a restaurant, when realized that she didn’t have her phone and immediately
panicked. She needn’t have worried. Her husband had seen her phone as he left
home and brought it to her. She checked
texts. There was only one, and it was from her husband: “I’m on my way, and I
have your phone.”
Before google, there were librarians. Here are
some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:
• A woman wanted “inspirational material on
grass and lawns.”
• “Who built the English Channel?”
• “Is there a full moon every night in
Acapulco?”
• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take
place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”
• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a
good forger?”
And finally:
A young Seattle college student flying in the
right seat of a small plane with an elderly pilot.
The pilot has a heart attack and dies. The young lady passenger frantically
grabs the controls and the mike and calls out..... "May Day! May Day! Help
me! Help me! The pilot just had a heart attack and is dead and I don't know how
to fly. Someone help me! Please help me!"
She then hears a calming voice on the radio saying..... "This is Sea-Tac
Air Traffic Control and I hear you loud and clear. I will talk you through this
and get you back on the ground. I've had experience with this kind of problem.
Now, just take a deep breath, stay calm, and everything will be fine!"
"Now give me your height and position."
The young blonde replies, "I'm 5' 2" and I and sitting
down."
"O.K."....says the calm voice on the radio. "Now slowly repeat
after me........
“Our Father, who art in Heaven.................”
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