Oxymoron JOW #1157

 

I do love wordplay.  I am especially fascinated my oxymorons, where you combine seemingly contradictory terms.  Of course, there are phrases that can mean something entirely different depending upon the context or delivery; for example the phrase, ‘Did you eat’ can be a friendly invitation in North America or an urgent question or even a threat in Somalia.  I have a list and some quotes on this subject.  Some of them are awfully good, I mean seriously funny. 

·         Exact estimate

·         Original copies

·         Pretty ugly

·         Fully empty

·         Only choice

·         Civil war

·         Definite possibility

·         Exact estimate

·         Grow smaller

·         Only choice

·         Random order

·         Jumbo shrimp

·         Old news

·         Original copy

·         Plastic silverware

·         True fiction

·         Virtual reality

·         Working vacation

Some short oxymoron jokes

An oxymoron walked into a bar

And the silence was deafening.

 

Bumper sticker: Honk if you love peace and quiet. 
If the pen is mightier than the sword, why do actions speak louder than words?

 

If James Bond is the world’s most famous spy, doesn’t that make him the worst one?

Oxymoron quotes

I am a deeply superficial person. - Andy Warhol

Of course I can keep secrets. It’s the people I tell them to that can’t keep them. - Anthony Haden-Guest

Hegel was right when he said that we learn from history that man can never learn anything from history. - George Bernard Shaw

Always be sincere, even when you don’t mean it. - Irene Peter

Live within your income, even if you have to borrow to do so. - Josh Billings

We must believe in free will. We have no choice. - Isaac B. Singer

It usually takes more than three weeks to prepare a good impromptu speech. - Mark Twain

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. - W.C. Fields

I always avoid prophesying beforehand because it is much better to prophesy after the event has already taken place. - Winston Churchill

We must believe in free will. We have no choice. - Isaac Bashevis

I distinctly remember forgetting that. - Clara Barton

You’d be surprised how much it costs to look this cheap. - Dolly Parton

I never said most of the things I said. - Yogi Berra

Why don’t you pair ‘em up in threes? - Yogi Berra

Sam Goldwyn was a famous Hollywood executive who could give Yogi lessons.  Here are some of his quotes:

·         A hospital is no place to be sick.

·         Anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.

·         Don't worry about the war. It's all over but the shooting.

·         Gentlemen, I want you to know that I am not always right, but I am never wrong.

·         Give me a smart idiot over a stupid genius any day.

·         If I could drop dead right now, I’d be the happiest man alive!

·         It’s more than magnificent-it’s mediocre.

·         If Roosevelt were alive, he’d turn over in his grave.

·         I’ll give you a definite maybe.

·         If you fall and break your legs, don’t come running to me.

·         I never put on a pair of shoes until I’ve worn them for five years.

·         I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.

·         I was always an independent, even when I had partners.

·         I paid too much for it, but it’s worth it.

·         It's absolutely impossible, but it has possibilities.

·         Our comedies are not to be laughed at.

·         I never liked you, and I always will.

·         Spare no expense to save money on this one.

·         The scene is dull. Tell him to put more life into his dying.

·         Tell them to stand closer apart.

·         We’re overpaying him, but he’s worth it.

 

Can you imagine what would happen if a grammar book walked into a bar?

* An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television, getting drunk, and smoking cigars.

* A dangling participle walks into a bar. Enjoying a cocktail and chatting with the bartender, the evening passes pleasantly.

* A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

* An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

* Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

* A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

* Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

* A question mark walks into a bar?

* A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

* Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Get out -- we don't serve your type."

* A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

* A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

* Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

* A synonym strolls into a tavern.

* At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar -- fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

* A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

* Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

* A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

* An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

* The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

* A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

* The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

* A dyslexic walks into a bra.

* A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

* A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

* A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.