Big Fat JOW #1158

 Do you know what I am going to get from Christmas?  Fat – that is what I am going to get.

We really shouldn’t make fun of fat people.  They have enough on their plate as it is.  Besides, I am pretty much there myself. I have still have a six pack, though.  It is protected by a thick layer of fat, but it is there.   As you can probably tell, my theme this week is a weighty one.  I don't normally make fat jokes because they wouldn't be appreciated by the wider audience.  But here are a few

 

·         Why can’t we donate fat like we do blood?

·         If you are what you eat, I think I need to eat a skinny person.

·         I have tried losing weight, but it always finds me again.

·         The fat psychic became a large instead of a medium.

·         Life is like a box of chocolates. It doesn't last as long for fat people.

So was at a bar last night and saw this fat chick wearing a shirt that said, "Caution, I'm a maneater". I walked up to the girl and timidly said, "Excuse me, Miss...about your shirt."

She interrupted me before I could continue and furiously shouted, "Oh let me guess, you're here to make a comment about how I'm so fat and how I actually eat men. I can't help my weight you know. I have feelings too and your comments can really hurt."
I looked at her, confused and said, "That's actually not what I was going to say at all."
"Oh…" she replied as a smile started to come across her face. "What were you going to say?"
"That's not how you spell manatee."

 

A man went to a pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing on a table

He said "Nice legs"

The girl giggled and smiled and said "Do you really think so?"
"Yeah definitely, most tables would've collapsed by now"

 

As an American, I am deeply offended whenever I hear non-Americans call America a nation of fat idiots- then I remember that we had a national panic when they quit making Twinkies.

 

Fat riddles

What do you call a fat bee?

Chub-bee!
What do you call an even fatter bee?
O-bees!

 

What was the name of that fat man who was knighted?

I believe it was Sir Cumference

 

What do you call two fat people having a chat?

A heavy discussion

 

Why are there no fat painters?

Because they all went to the paint store to get thinner

 

What did the Avocado say to itself in the mirror?

You are 'fat' but you are 'good fat'

=====

So when Aphrodite sprawls out bare-ass naked in a giant clam shell, she's a "goddess."

But when I do it, supposedly I'm "a drunk" and "no longer welcome at the aquarium."

 

A woman noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach. “Ha­­! That’s not going to help,” she said.
“Sure, it does,” he said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

 

A short, ugly, fat man approaches a beautiful woman in a bar...

He says to her:
"Ma'am I know that I'm a bit older than you, and I'm not particularly easy on the eyes, but I would love to buy you a drink."
She flatly tells him: "No. Go away. I'm not interested"
But the man persists. He tells her: "But wait! I'm a smart guy with a great job, a nice house, and a new BMW outside!"
Once again the beautiful woman rejects him saying: "Listen creep, I said no. Now leave me alone."
The man is discouraged, but he saved the best for last. He tells the woman:
"Okay fine, I'll leave you alone, but you should know this last bit. I'm an only-child and my ill father is my only family. You see, he is going on 80 years of age, and his will leaves his entire $500 million dollar fortune to me!"
The woman's eyes widen with intrigue and a coy smile strikes her face.
"Well sir," she now says flirtatiously, "I think I'll have that drink. Do tell me more!"
Now, after this great success, do you know what that short, ugly, fat man had nine months later?
A new step-mom.

 

Brandon was walking around at the carnival. A man called out from a booth and said, “If I can write your exact weight on this piece of paper, you have to pay me $50. If I can’t do it, I’ll pay you $50.” Brandon checked the booth for a scale but saw nothing, so he agreed. Since your weight can fluctuate by a pound or two, he decided that no matter what number the man wrote, he would just say he weighed a pound more or less. In the end, the man in the booth won the $50. How did he do it?

The man in the booth wrote the words, “Your exact weight” on the piece of paper.