Battle Redux JOW #1156

 It is easier for me to do my jokes if I have a theme.  One of my recurring themes is the never-ending battle between men and women.  Here are a few jokes on that subject.  I hope they bring a smile to your face. 

 

Women have to deal with menstruation, pregnancy, childbirth, breastfeeding, menopause, hot flashes, etc. 

Men have to deal with women.

I call it a tie.

 

Then there is the latest feminist book ‘Women are from Venus, Men are Idiots’

 

If a woman says "smell this", it usually smells nice.

 

Not all men annoy feminists.  Some men are gay.

 

Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake whole relationships.

 

Men, unlike women do not use sex to get what they want.  Sex is what they want.

 

Male or Female non-living objects.

You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS**: These are female, because once turned off, it takes half an hour to warm them up.

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Also a male object. Because to get them to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under their ass.

**SPONGES**: These are female, because they are soft, squeezable and they retain water.

**WEB PAGES**: Female, because they're constantly being looked at and frequently getting hit on.

**TRAINS**: Definitely male. Because they always use the same old lines for picking up people.

**EGG TIMERS**: Egg timers are female because over time, all the weight shifts to the bottom.

**HAMMERS**: Male. Because in the last 5000 years they've hardly changed at all and are occasionally handy to have around.

**THE REMOTE CONTROL**: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would be male....but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push, he just keeps trying

^^^^^^^^

Men on first dates wonder if she will like him.

Women on first dates wonder if he wants to murder her.

 

Men have sex when they can, marry when they want to.

Women have sex when they want to, marry when they can.

 

The difference between Charles Manson and every woman I've dated is that Manson had the decency to look like a crazy the first time you meet him.

 

Young daughter: “Mommy, why does that sign say, ‘Men at work?”

Mother: “Because women work all the time.  When men work they need to put of signs.”

 

A man came in to buy hooks for hanging plants. But there were only two hooks left in the gold color that he needed.

A young male employee trying to be helpful, suggested, “Could you maybe use the silver or the white instead?”

The customer scrutinized him and said, “You’re not married, are you?”

 

*****

What do you call a group of Norwegian monarchs who ride motorcycles and enjoy both men and women?

The Bikings.

 

I've got a friend, who weighs 300 pounds and dates both men and women.

He's bi and large, a good person.

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The wife-to-be, woke up on her wedding day and panicked.  She immediately begins to organize things, making sure everything is in proper order. In her mind she repeats what she has to do: "Go down the aisle, get to the altar, and marry him."
She repeats this over and over again, until she begins to shorten it to three words which she continues to repeat, "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him." "Aisle, altar, him..."

 

A successful man is one who makes more money than can be spent by his wife.
A successful woman is one who can marry that man.

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.

 

There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them were talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remained quiet. After a while one of the first two turns to the third and said, "Well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"

The third fellow says "I'll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees."  The first two guys were amazed.  

"What happened then?" they asked.  

"She said, 'get out from under the bed and fight like a man!'"

``````

Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.

"You're running around with other women," she charged.

"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You're the only woman on earth!" The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.

"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.

"Counting your ribs," said Eve.

And finally

Dave was thinking about men and woman and had an Epiphany.

He ran downstairs to tell his wife.
“Hey honey, I think I have figured out the difference between men and women!” Dave said.
“Oh?” she replied with a concerned inquisition.
“Yeah see, it’s like wisdom vs intelligence. Guys, we’re pretty dumb, but we know how to handle tough situations. But girls, they’re super smart, but they fight all the time and get all emotional and upset. So you see, girls are smart but foolish, and guys are dumb but wise.” Dave tells his wife.
She looks at him, ready to snap “Just what does that mean?”
Dave assesses the situation and retorts, “You see, I’m wise enough to know not to answer that, and stupid enough to have said it in the first place.”