Dead Funny JOW 1182

 I lost a couple friends this week.  As I grow older this will probably happen more frequently.  There is a Latin phrase ‘Memento Mori’ - remember that you die - one of the primary stoic principles. For obvious reasons, the concept of death has grown into something we dread. Death is most people’s biggest fear - they see it as the end.  Memento Mori reminds us that realizing our time is short helps us focus and appreciate what we have. Life is precious because it is fragile. Without death, life might be meaningless.  One thing for sure, I will find out for myself some day.  Knowing my luck I’m going to be reincarnated as me again. I have made jokes about lots of disparate subjects - well here are some jokes about death

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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.

 

Do you know what the death rate around here is? One per person.

 

Roses are dead, violets are dead, I am a bad gardener.

 

Do you know the last thing my grandfather said to me before he kicked the bucket? “Grandson, watch how far I can kick this bucket.”

 

My obese parrot died. It was a real weight off of my shoulder.

 

My friend convinced me to visit Karl Marx’s grave. It turns out it’s just a communist plot.

 

I saw six men carrying a coffin in the cemetery. Each one of them was looking this way and that.

 

The Man Who Created Autocorrect Has Died. Restaurant In Peace.

 

The seven ages of man: spills, drills, thrills, bills, ills, pills, and wills.

 

I saw them again two hours later, and they were still carrying the coffin around the cemetery.  I thought to myself, “They’ve lost the plot.”

A few topical quotes.

·          “Always go to other people’s funerals. Otherwise, they won’t come to yours.” – Yogi Berra

·         “As soon as you’re born, you start dying. So you might as well have a good time.” -John M Mccrea

·         “At my age, I do what Mark Twain did. I get my daily paper, look at the obituaries page and if I’m not there, I carry on as usual.” —Patrick Moore (astronomer)

·         The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades, especially if your teammates are bad guessers.” —Demetri Martin (comedian) (Redd Fox actually died just that way, while on a set.)

·         “I intend to live forever or die trying.” —Groucho Marx (comedian)

·         “Either this man is dead, or my watch has stopped.” -Groucho Marx

·          “Death is a very dull, dreary affair, and my advice to you is to have nothing whatsoever to do with it.” —William Somerset Maugham (author)

·         “The art of dying graciously is nowhere advertised in spite of the fact that its market potential is great.” —Milton Mayer (author)

·         "My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping." —Rita Rudner (comedian)

 

A man walks into a magic forest and starts to cut down a tree when it suddenly speaks. “You can’t cut me down,” the tree complains. “I’m a talking tree!”

The man responds, “You may be a talking tree now, but you will dialogue.”

 

No one has ever complained of a parachute not opening. Think about it.

 

For sale – parachute. Only used once.  Never opened.

 

Where can you find a good lawyer? In the cemetery.

 

Why couldn’t the T-Rex clap? Because he’s dead.

 

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Chuck Norris, you may be only seconds away from death.

 

Smallpox, the Spanish Flu, and the Black Death have already done the whole global pandemic thing… What Covid was just plagiarism.

 

They say that breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Well, not if it’s poisoned. Then the antidote becomes the most important.

 

At the boss’ funeral, a disgruntled employee kneeled next to the coffin and whispered, “Who’s thinking outside the box now, Gary?”

 

The Bourbonic Plague is probably the most likely Black Death version that would hit any person with alcoholic abuse.

 

For all my life, my dad kept messing with the ledge above the fireplace, lengthening it, shortening it, sanding it, painting it. But he died last week. After I got home from the funeral, I compulsively got my tools out and raised the fireplace ledge six inches higher. I guess you could say I’ve taken up his mantel.

 

Lenny went on vacation and asked Bobby to watch over his house. About a week later, Lenny calls home and asked Bobby, “How’s my cat?”

Bobby hesitated a moment, then said “Your cat died.”

“What?! You shouldn’t have broken the news to me like that! You should have done it slowly. The first time I called, you should have told me she was on the roof. The second time I called, you should have said there was no way to get her down. The third time I called, you should have told me that you tried to get her off the roof, but she fell and died,” explained Lenny.

Bobby apologized and went about his day.

About a week later, Lenny called again and asked, “How’s my Granny?”

There was a long silence. Then Bobby answered, “Well, she’s on the roof.”

And finally

A man attended a funeral for his best friend. He approached the grieving widow,  and asked, “Do you mind if I say a word?”

“Sure. Go ahead,” she replied.

“Plethora,” he said and sat back down.

“Thank you,” the widow replied. “It means a lot.”

 The man nodded and then said “Bargain.”

“Thanks,” the woman responds. “That means a great deal.”