Dumb Old JOW #1183

 It seems like we live in a time when smart people are being silenced so that stupid people won’t be offended.  Well based on some of my past actions, I am well qualified to speak for stupid people so go right ahead and offend.  For example sometimes I will click on the remote several times for extra ‘lockiness’.   Here are some jokes about dumb people and some of the dumb things they do.

 

People write ‘conrats’ because it is too hard to spell congadjlashions’

 

Arguing with idiots is like playing chess with pigeons.  No matter how well you play, it will still crap on the board and strut around like it won.

 

Remember back before cell phones when we had to remember phone numbers?  I can still recall my old home phone.  Why didn’t that talent extend to remembering passwords?

 

I woke up this morning resolved to exercise more, drink less, and go on a strict diet.  But that was this morning when I was younger and still full of hope.

 

I don’t need glasses anymore, I drink right out of the bottle.

 

My winter fat has been replaced by spring rolls.

 

Police officer.  “Sir, I think you have been drinking.  Say the alphabet starting with ‘M’.

Scientist.  “Okay, Malphabet”

 

If a Lama with one L is a holy man in Tibet and a Llama with two L’s is a beast of burden what is a Lam with three L’s?

A big fire in Boston

 

When asked for his name by the coffee shop clerk, the man answered, “Marc, with a C.”

Minutes later, he was handed his coffee with his name written on the side: Cark. 

 

How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Need to know ASAP

 

We had to have the garage door repaired.

The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'

Yes, there is a thin line between a numerator and a denominator

 

The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.

I was crossing with a co-worker of mine.

She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

 

A patient came to the hospital with a burned right hand. As the doctor took down his medical history, he asked the injured man, "Do you smoke?"

"Yeah, a pack and a half a day," said the patient.

Concerned, the doctor told him, "You should consider quitting."

"No, it's OK," said the patient. "I smoke with my left hand."

 

After football fans in Philadelphia were treated to a particularly excruciating loss earlier in the season, a man phoned a sports-radio talk-show host to say, “Everyone should call in and give one word for that game.”

“What’s your word?” the host replied.

“Bored out of my mind,” said the caller. 

 

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza.

Customer: I ordered a Pizza & Came with no Toppings on it or anything, It’s Just Bread 

Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this! 

Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down 

 

Just before the final exam in my college finance class, a less-than-stellar student approached the professor.

“Can you tell me what grade I would need to get on the exam to pass the course?” he asked. “The exam is worth 100 points. You would need 113 points to earn a D.”

“OK,” he said. “And how many points would I need to get a C?” 

 

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my research paper? 

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in a research paper. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours. These words clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. You didn’t submit a research paper; you submitted a hostage situation.

Some quick unrelated jokes:

What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up their own incision? Suture self.

 

When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, they gave me a blank stare.

 

I was going to cook an alligator but then realized I only had a croc pot

 

My half-brother and I can’t play with chainsaws anymore.

 

Husband – “Why do you keep buying plants when you just end up killing them?

Wife – “Just to remind you what I’m capable of.”

 

How do you make a pirate angry? Take away the p.

 

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

 

And finally another one of my favorites

A farmer had a three legged pig and his neighbor asked him why the pig had only three legs. "Well, I'll tell you" the farmer replied. "One day I was plowing my field and the tractor turned over and pinned me underneath. That pig ran for help. He saved my life".

"Oh, that's how he lost his leg?" the neighbor drawled.

"No. One night my wife and I were sound asleep and the house caught on fire. That pig woke us up. He saved our lives!"

"So that's how he lost his leg", stated the neighbor.

"No, that wasn't it" the farmer affirmed.

Exasperated, the neighbor demanded "Then how did he lose his leg?"

The farmer replied, "When you have a pig that good, you don't eat him all at once!"