The background music of my life, the music I hear in the gym, the grocery store, on radio stations, and generally in public tends to be what we used to call ‘Golden Oldies’. I just realized that most of that music is half a century old! Imagine growing up in the 60’s and listening to 50-year-old songs like ‘Mares Eat Oats’, or hits by Al Jolson. Although there are some good new songs being made today there is nothing like the depth of quality from the music scene in the 60’s and 70’s. Even though I admit I have Van Gogh's ear for music, you must admit music was better then. All this pondering let me to my twin topics of music and getting older. Do I dare mix twin topics? Well, I do have some standards for the JOW.
Specifically:
There are three unwritten rules for JOW jokes:
1.
2.
3.
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I am so old I knew Ice Cube when he was called Water.
Does music make you wonder? Because it certainly made Stevie Wonder.
What kind of a prize do you get for getting
old?
Atrophy.
What’s green and sings?
Elvis Parsley.
How many concertmasters does it take to change
a light bulb?
Just one, but it takes four movements.
What is the difference between a fish and a
piano?
You can’t tuna fish.
An orchestra was hit by lightning.
The only one who died was the conductor.
A while ago, my friend told me not to listen
to loud music or I would go deaf.
I haven’t heard from that guy in a while.
What do you get when you play country music
backward?
You ain’t drunk anymore and get your wife and job back.
What do you get when you drop a piano down a
mine shaft?
A flat minor.
An attorney once drafted two sets of wills for
an elderly husband and wife who had been somewhat apprehensive about discussing
death. When they arrived to sign the documents, he ushered the couple into his
office.
"Now," he said to them, "which one of you wants to go
first?"
A woman was turning 40 and decided to
celebrate by fulfilling her longtime dream to go skydiving.
Exasperated, one of her girlfriends asked her
"Why don't you just get a boob job like everyone else?"
Turning 50 two years ago, a woman took a lot
of good-natured ribbing from family and friends. Her husband, who was a few years older than
her decided to needle her himself. He
sat her down, looked deep into her eyes, then said,
“I’ve never made love to anyone who was over
50 years old.”
"Oh, well, I have," she deadpanned. "It's not that great."
During my younger days I really enjoyed playing
softball. I remember one game; I was
playing third base when a batter ripped a shot over my head. I leapt as high as
I could, but the ball tipped off the end of my glove and fell safely for a hit.
At the end of the inning, I was heading for the dugout when our left fielder
caught up with me. "That much!" he called, holding his thumb and
forefinger a couple of inches apart.
"I know," I replied. "I almost had it."
"No," he said. "I mean that's how far you got off the
ground."
Then there was that western singing group from
Tombstone called the Okay Chorale.
Bandits hit the music store and got away with
the lute. Police believe they were
students as they were also seen taking notes.
Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
A little old lady.
A little old lady who?
I didn’t know you could yodel.
Accordion to one study, people don’t notice when you replace any given word
with the name of a musical instrument, but I don’t believe that tuba true.
In the hardware store, a clerk asked, “Can I help you
find anything?”
“How
about my misspent youth,”
joked the customer.
The clerk shot back, “We keep that in
the back, between world peace and winning lottery tickets.”
I asked my 91-year-old father, “Dad, what were
your good old days?”
His thoughtful reply: “When I wasn’t good, and
I wasn’t old.”
“This is your great-grandma and great
grandpa,” I told my grandson as I handed him a photo of my parents. “Do you
think I look like them?”
He shook his head. “Not yet.”
While my parents were making their funeral
arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they
would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the swan pond,” he assured them.
Dad wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t
know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
^^^^^^^
They are expecting a major outbreak of cicadas
this summer. But beware if you see any
of these insects carrying AK47s. Those
are Al-cadias.
Induction – the act of inserting a duck.
Deduction – the act of removing a duck.
Reduction – the act of replacing a worn-out
duck with a new one
After her mother’s passing a daughter tried
having her mother’s phone account disconnected, but the customer-service rep
told her that since the account was in her mom’s name, she’d have to be the one
to put in the request. The fact that she was dead didn’t sway the rep. Then a
solution hit the daughter: “If I stop paying the bill, you can turn off the
service, right?”
“Well, yes,” she said reluctantly. “But that
would ruin her credit.”
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