Happy New JOW #1213

 We are now into 2024, which seems like a pretty futuristic date.   The year slid in quietly here.   There are some reasons to stay up to see the new year begin.  An optimist stays up until midnight to see the new year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.  I am sort of relieved the holidays are done.  The holiday season for me was about personal growth.  Just not the kind growth I needed.

 

I made a resolution to lose 15 pounds. Only 20 more to go!

 

 I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It's a nice reminder of what I did all year.

 

A phone and a firework were arrested on New Year's Eve.

One was charged, the other was let off.

 

What did the woman say when she was offered a raisin on New Year’s Eve?

‘No thanks, I already have a date.’

 

What is a New Year’s resolution?
Something that goes in one year and out the other.

 

What was Dr. Frankenstein’s New Year’s resolution?
To make new friends.

 

I see no need to make more New Year’s resolutions when the ones already on the books aren’t being enforced.

A few knock knock jokes, just to stay in practice

Knock Knock.
Who’s there?
Radio.
Radio who?
Radio not, it’s a new year.

 

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Abby.
Abby who?
Abby New Year!

 

Knock knock!

Who's there?

Razor. Razor who?

Razor glass and toast to a happy new year.

 

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a ‘k’ instead of a ‘c’?

Because you can’t C in the dark.

 

I fanaticized about being a plumber when I was a kid.  It was just a pipe dream

 

A woman walks into a bar and orders a double entendre. The bartender gives it to her.

 

How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb? 

Two, one to change the bulb, one to hold the penis.

 

A man walks into a bar with a parrot on his shoulder. The bartender asks him, “Does he talk?” The parrot replies, “Does he talk? He won’t shut up.”

 

They are going to try a remake of Snow White for older people.   The Seven Dwarves will be Nappy, Wrinkly, Squinty, Saggy, Farty, Leaky, and of course all old men’s favorite, Doc.

 

A man visits his Chinese friend in a hospital. “Li kai yang qi guan,” says the Chinese friend. The man doesn’t understand him and becomes desperate about what to say next. “Li kai yang qi guan!” gasps the patient, as his face becomes red.  The man flees the room in confusion. Going up to a Chinese in the lobby he asks the Chinese the meaning of “Li kai yang qi guan”:

“Get off my oxygen tube.”

 

A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes”?

The bartender says, “No, we only sell beer here.”

The duck leaves. The next day the duck walks back into the bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any grapes”?

The bartender says, “No, I told you we only sell beer, and if you ask me again, I’m going to nail your flat feet to the bar.” So the duck leaves.

The next day the duck walks back into the bar once again and asks the bartender “Do you have any nails”?
The bartender says “no.”

The duck asks, “Good.  Do you have any grapes”?

 

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instructions?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing his tasks correctly?" So they created the Quality Control Department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.
Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created a time keeper and a payroll officer position. Then hired two people.
Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired two more people: An Administrative Officer and a DEI compliance officer.
Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $48,000 over budget.  We must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

 

And finally

Once upon a time there was an island kingdom whose people became fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home living in their traditional grass huts.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe’s elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king’s home was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up to stow in the attic, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: “People who live in grass houses should not stow thrones.”