The US has been in for a lot of rough weather lately. It is that time of year. My sister kindly recommended that I use the weather as a theme. There are lots of jokes about the weather; unfortunately, not many of them are funny. But I did the best I could to find a few that meet my admittedly low standards. I tried to make up for it with a Yoda joke at the end.
Today: Sunny, 76. Tonight:
Not so sunny, 55.
Red sky at night, sailor’s
delight. Blue sky at night, day time.
Where do you get the cold
weather report? The winternet.
Swedish astronomer Ander
Celsius died in 1744 aged 43, though his rival, Fahrenheit was convinced he was
109
Why was the man so surprised
at all the downed trees in his garden considering the severity of the storm?
Mostly because he didn’t have any trees in there before the storm.
Why was the man denied
storm insurance for his campsite?
They said that if his tents get blown away, he won’t be covered.
As we waited for a bus in
the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of
mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
Why were the people urged
to avoid the cheese factory during the storm?
Reports say flying debrie is the main cause of concern.
What do you call a
funnel-shaped storm made of ketchup?
A tormato.
Did you hear about the
tornado chaser that lost all their camera when they got too close to the storm?
Their photos were uploaded to the cloud.
Did you hear about the
king who was found dead after the storm?
His rain was over.
How was the snow globe
feeling after the storm?
A little shaken.
What do you call a snowman
with abs? An abdominal snowman.
What do you call an old
snowman? Water.
Some less weathered jokes
Why do Storm Troopers shop
at Wal Mart? Because they couldn’t find the Target.
I told a group of storm
troopers “Happy Pew Year.”. But they totally missed the punchline.
There are better things
than alcohol, but alcohol sort of compensates for not getting them.
A Zen student went to a
temple and asked how long it would take him to gain enlightenment if he joined
the temple. “10 years,” said the master. “What if I work very hard and double
my effort?” asked the student. “20 years,” replied the master.
I visited a sick friend
and took some presents and a bottle of whiskey.
I hope he doesn’t notice they are gone.
I have learned how to
avoid stress at work.
Make a cup of your favorite coffee
Enjoy that first sip of coffee
Don’t go into work.
Modern definitions
·
Flabbergasted
-Appalled over how much weight you’ve gained.
·
Abdicate – to
give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach
·
Esplanade – to
attempt an explanation while inebriated
·
Willy-nilly –
Impotent
·
Negligent –
Absentmindedly answering the door in a flimsy nightgown
·
Lymph – to walk
with a limp
·
Gargoyle – a
gross olive-flavored mouthwash
·
Flatulence – the
emergency vehicle that recovers people who have been run over with a
steamroller
·
Balderdash – a
rapidly receding hairline
·
Rectitude – the
formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
·
Pokémon – a
Rastafarian proctologist
·
Circumvent – the
opening in front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
A serious mother to
daughter trailer park conversation
“Mom, I’m dating that
older guy next door.”
“What! He could be your
dad.”
“Age isn’t an issue for
me.”
“No…. I don’t think you
understand me….”
Racecar backwards is
racecar. Racecar upside down is
expensive
With great power
comes…. Great electric bills
A blind man turned down a good
job offer. He just couldn’t see himself
doing the job.
The day I turned 42, my
daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on
her watch. After a long silence she said......40 second birthday". I was
so proud.
"Hey!! How long have
you been chopping wood for?"
"Not sure, let me
check my logs."
I just read a long article
comparing the different versions of the crucifixion in the Bible.
There was a lot of cross
referencing.
I had a weird dream where I
met a long snake-like fish who had been knighted by the queen.
It was Sir Eel.
What is made of leather, a
foot long and sounds like a sneeze?
A shoe.
WebMD is updating its
server because of a virus. Well, they think it was a virus, but it could also
be malaria, kidney failure, a heart murmur, gallstones, or possibly
appendicitis.
And to wrap it up here
is the Yoda joke
Yoda and Luke are doing their usual training course involves
shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge
that they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.
He reaches into his bag
and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks
together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get
across.
When they get back to
Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature had chewed a hole in the fence
around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for
this.” Yoda says again. Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag
and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s
home, where Yoda looks through his bag. He’s used all his forks but one.
“That’s ok Master."
Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy
more.”
So he writes the note and
uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda
expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks.
“What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A
Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
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