Grab Bag JOW #1214

 People have asked me where I get my jokes of the week.  I hear some, I read some, and some I make up.  As those who know me can attest, I have a good memory for jokes. I remember jokes by topic; that is why I like to have a theme for my JOW; writing jokes reminds me of other jokes.  Some weeks, however, I am fresh out of topics - weeks like this week.  So, I just collected a bunch of unrelated jokes for your amusement.

I just got fired, and as severance, my company gave me a bag of used coffee.

They said it was grounds for termination.

 

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, it's a good thing, but if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Is a Ruger 10-22 a good squirrel rifle?

No, their little arms are too short to reach the trigger and the rifle is too long to conceal in their nest.

 

If you’re ambushed after noon …

Then technically you’ve been pmbushed.

 

Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?

Because it requires two i’s.

 

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there's myrrh.

I googled “Rorshach test.”
But for some reason, all that came up were pictures of my parents fighting.

 

Did you hear about the polygamist cat?

He had nine wives.

 

What do you call a pirate wearing a sombrero?

A sea señor.

 

My cabinet installer was arrested last week.

He was charged with counter fitting.

 

If you buy a cucumber, always buy Vaseline.  That way people don’t think you’re vegan.

 

Pessimist: Oh, this can't get any worse! 

Optimist: Yes, it can! 

 

If a woman sleeps with ten men, she’s a slut.  But if a man does it is he… gay?

Yup.  He’s definitely gay.

 

Ever watch that 4x4 offroad truck with aggressive 30” tires and a lift kit creeping ever so carefully over a little speed bump in the parking lot?

 

I don’t know why everyone hates the NSA.  It is the one government organization that actually listens to you.

 

Did you hear about the contortionist who passed away?
He died in his own arms.

Son: “Dad, did you get the results of the DNA test back?”
Dad: “Call me George.”

Question: How much should I spend on a really good bottle of wine?
Half an hour? Twenty minutes?

What happens when a police officer gets into bed?
He becomes an undercover cop.

The arithmetic teacher had written 10.9 on the blackboard and had then rubbed out the decimal point to show the effect of multiplying this number by ten.
"Johnny," the teacher asked, "where is the decimal point now?"
"On the eraser!" came back the quick reply.

 

A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”

So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.

“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”

“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”

 

I went into a pet store to buy my parrot a new stand. They wanted $500 for it. I told them that was ridiculous.

Nevertheless, they said, that is the perch’s price.

 

We were playing Scrabble during breakfast this morning and I think my wife spilled syrup all over the letter tiles.

She denies it, but I’m sticking to my words.

 

I arrived early to the restaurant and the manager asked, “Do you mind waiting a bit?”

I said, “No”.

“Good,” he said. “Take these drinks to table nine.”

Church bulletin notices:

 

·         A new loudspeaker system has been installed in the church. It was given by one of our members in honor of his wife.

·         Next Sunday, a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and get a piece of paper.

·         Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

·         Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

·         The outreach committee has enlisted 25 visitors to make calls on people who are not afflicted with any church.

·         Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered. The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

·         On the main page of the Internet web site for the Evangelical Lutheran Church in Canada: "In a show of near anonymity, the convention approved full communion with the Anglican Church of Canada."

·         Father is on vacation. Massages can be given to church secretary.

·         The audience is asked to remain seated until the end of the recession.

·         Announcement: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals."

·         The agenda was adopted. The minutes were approved. The financial secretary gave a grief report.

And finally:

One evening, a man gave his tipsy secretary a ride home after an office party. His wife was prone to jealousy, so he didn't mention the incident to her.
Later that night he was driving his wife to a restaurant when he noticed a stiletto-heeled shoe half-hidden under the passenger seat. Gripped with terror, he took advantage of a moment when she wasn't looking to grab the shoe and throw it out of the window.
The rest of the journey went well until they arrived at the restaurant.
"That's strange," said his wife, looking a little agitated. "Have you seen my other shoe?"