Poetic (?) JOW #1216

I try to mix up my Jokes of the Week; I haven’t done poetic jokes in a long time, and when I saw a funny limerick, I decided to feature them for this week.  Limericks date back to the 14th century allegedly originating in the Irish town of Limerick. The limerick is a humorous five-line poem with two rhymes: one shared by the first, second and fifth lines, and the other shared by the shorter third and fourth lines.  Limericks have a well-deserved reputation for being bawdy and downright obscene, but my limericks below use their bouncy rhyme scheme to explore concepts like science and philosophy, and even the form of the poems themselves.

 

I set my hand to the plow,

To provide funny jokes in my JOW.

These are silly, it’s true,

But the best I can do,

And I hope you enjoy these right now.

How to spell the potato has tried,
Many minds, sometimes mine, I’ll confide.
Though it may have an eye,
There’s no E—don’t ask why!
Not until it’s been baked, boiled or fried.

 

There was a dear lady of Eden,
Who on apples was quite fond of feedin’.
She gave one to Adam,
Who said, “Thank you, Madam,”
And then both skedaddled from Eden.

 

A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill holds more than his belican.
He can take in his beak,
Enough food for a week,
But I’m damned if I see how the helican.

 

The incredible Wizard of Oz,
Retired from his business because,
Due to up-to-date science,
To most of his clients,
He wasn’t the Wizard he was.

 

One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree,
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.

 

There was a young lady whose chin,
Resembled the point of a pin.
So she had it made sharp,
And purchased a harp,
And played several tunes with her chin.

 

Some limericks are made in the form of a tongue twister.  Try and say them aloud.

 

A flea and a fly in a flue,
Were imprisoned, so what could they do?
Said the fly, “Let us flee!”
“Let us fly!” said the flea,
So they flew through a flaw in the flue.

 

A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny,
"A canner can can
Anything that he can;
But a canner can't can a can, can he?"

 

"There's a train at 4:04," said Miss Jenny.
"Four tickets I'll take; have you any?"
Said the man at the door,
"Not four for 4:04,
For four for 4:04 is too many."

 

A tutor who tooted a flute,
Tried to teach two young tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it harder to toot, or …
To tutor two tooters to toot?”

 

Silly semi-scientific limericks

There once was a runner named Dwight,
Who could speed even faster than light.
He set out one day,
In a relative way,
And returned on the previous night.

 

An amoeba named Max and his brother,
Were sharing a drink with each other;
In the midst of their quaffing,
They split themselves laughing,

And each of them now is a mother.

 

 

And some failed limericks

A forgetful old gasman named Dieter,
Who went poking around his gas heater,
Touched a leak with his light;
He blew out of sight—
And, as everyone who knows anything about poetry can tell you, he also ruined the meter.

 

There once was a man from the sticks
Who loved to compose limericks
But he failed at his sport
They were always too short...

 

A crafty young bard named McMahon,
Whose poetry never would scan,
Once said, with a pause,
“It’s probably because,
I’m always trying to cram as many additional syllables into the last line as I possibly can.”

 

I think I better abandon the limericks for now.

 

Yesterday I changed a lightbulb, walked into a bar with a priest and a rabbi and crossed a road…
My whole life has become a joke!

I got hit in the head with a can of Coke today.
Don’t worry, I’m not hurt. It was a soft drink.

I am looking for someone to brush their teeth with me because I found out that 9 out of 10 dentists say brushing alone won't reduce cavities.

I thought it was a real question when the teacher asked me if I knew any words that had all the vowels in order.
Turned out it was facetious.

I tried to rob a bank by blowing up the safe.  Things were going well but there was just one problem.  I bought some cheap dynamite that was advertised as:
"The inexpensive explosives that won't break the bank."

English lesson…

Tsunami
T is silent

Psychology
P is silent

Knife
K is silent

Honest
H is silent

Wife
Husband is silent

I was in Costco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped up in a barcode.

I said, “Are you two an item?”

 

What do you get if you combine Potassium, Nickel and Iron?
KNiFe.

I was having dinner with a chess champion.  There was a checkered tablecloth on the table. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

A skunk, a deer and a duck went out to dinner and when it came time to pay the skunk didn't have a scent and the deer didn't have a buck. So, they put it on the duck's bill

I recently paid $1 for a wig.
It was a small price toupee.

 

I took my dog to the park today to play frisbee with him.  It didn’t work.
I need a flatter dog.

 

People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.

I phoned my wife earlier and asked her if she wanted me to pick up Fish and Chips on my way home from work, but she just grunted at me.
I think she still regrets letting me name the twins.