Car JOW #1258

 We drove up to enjoy our annual Thanksgiving feast with family in our new car, a nice bland white hybrid SUV.  We sold my red Chevy pickup (Grandpa’s Big Red Truck). It was a bit too high for easy egress for us at this point in our lives.  Getting down from it felt like you were parachuting out of an airplane.  But all that holiday driving got me thinking about automobiles in general so here are some more or less auto-related jokes this week.

 

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

 

What type of car does a chicken farmer drive?
A coupe.

 

If a piano player is called a pianist, wouldn’t a racecar driver be called a racist?

 

If I owned a DeLorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.

 

Why do chicken coops have two doors?
If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

 

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

 

Man: “Will this car fit five people?”
Salesman: “Of course, without any problems.”
Man: “Oh, that is unfortunate.  My friends have lots of those.”

 

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

 

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree.
He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

 

If I owned a DeLorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.

 

Why did the suicidal man cross the busy road?
To get to the other side.

 

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together?
Carpet.

 

Never get into a lane-merging game of chicken with a person who has a garbage bag for a car-door window.

 

Honda is the oldest car made in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
The apostles were all in Accord.

 

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and six trash bags full of recyclable cans?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

 

That’s not a leak on the garage floor.
My car just marking its territory.

 

Porsche will sell electric sports car specifically for environmentally conscious owners who are experiencing a midlife crisis.

 

Wanted: A man who has been stealing wheels from police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

 

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember that there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

 

Robin: The car Batmobile won’t start
Batman: Did you check the battery
Robin: What’s a tery?

 

My car was stolen. I was stuck with just my phone, No Kia.

 

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

 

My 35-year long boycott of Ferrari and Lamborghini is still going strong!
And will continue until they lower the price.

 

Did you know that Fiat is making a new heated tailgate?
It’s so your hands stay warm when you are pushing it back home in the winter.

 

Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together.

 

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

 

My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”. That way he doesn’t hit anything.

 

A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything. Police are combing the area.

 

A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”

“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!” 

 

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door, and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Man, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”
The drunk says, “Yup, that’s why I took my car!”

 

Shifting gears, here are some lesser-known knights

 

The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render

The knight from a different reality: Sir Real

The overweight knight” Sir Round.

The knight who designed the round table: Sir Cumference

The knight who was never killed in battle:  Sir Vivor

The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Passed

The knight who was unexpected: Sir Prize

The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount

The knight who collected for the kingdom: Sir Tax

The knight who made accurate maps: Sur Veyor

The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis

The knight who excelled: Sir Perb

The knight who performed in the big top: Sir Cus

The knight who was the saddest: Sir Rowful

The knight who wasn’t needed” Sir Perluous

 

Vegans claim that “People who sell meat are gross!”

But if you think about it, people who sell veggies are grocer. 

 

Sad after the funeral of a friend, a man ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended when he read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.”

 

A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.

“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks.

“Well!” responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”

“OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.” 

And finally:

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hired a call girl for him. When he answered the door, a hooker was standing there in a slinky black dress.

She smiles and says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”