This and That JOW #1259

 I have been sending out my Jokes of the Week since way back in the 20^th Century.   I have a very good memory for jokes, I am not sure how many jokes I know but it is a lot.   I have been posting them on my blog ( thospinneyjow.blogspot.com ) since 2008.  Each JOW is about a thousand words so that is a lot of jokes.  Have I ever used a joke more than once?  Yup.  Well, usually not exactly the same, but similar.  In fact, there are not many new jokes, just variations of jokes that have been around for decades if not centuries.  Here are a variety of jokes, some almost new, for your amusement.

 

Elon Musk is such a dumbass.

He paid $40 billion for Twitter & all he got in return was 3 branches of government.

 

I went to a psychic and accidentally broke her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

 

Many will know about Samson, the strong biblical warrior.

His dad, Samsonite, was even more of a hard case.

 

We do not throw away perfectly good food in my house.

We put it in Tupperware and wait for it to go bad and then we throw it away.

 

I tried to feed my pet Aardvark some flying ants today.

He turned his nose up.

 

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint.

 

Did you hear about the massive sale at the Lego store?
People were lining up for blocks!

I suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble.

But if there is, I’ll eat my words.

 

My parrot recently died. Its last words were, 'Awwk, I think my parrot's about to die.’

 

What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe

 

What do you call a unicorn that’s had its horn removed?
Eunuchorn.

 

What do you name a woman that burns all her bills?
Bernadette.

 

I once walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a boobie trap.

 

What kind of music do ballons hate? Pop.

 

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, ‘You to drive this thing while I load the cannon.’

 

A man tells his doctor, 'Help me doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter!' The doctor responds, 'Sorry, I don't follow you...'

 

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one...or two? One...or two?

 

A man went to the doctor and said 'I think I have hearing problems.'

The doctor asks 'can you describe the symptoms?"

'Sure! Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.’

 

I saw an ear doctor today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion.

Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

 

A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers.

The doctor says, 'Oh, this is a strange one.' ...

The lady says, 'And that's just the tip of the iceberg.'”

 

If artists wear Sketchers …

Do linguists wear Converse?

 

My perfume store got robbed!

They took every scent I had.

 

A friend wanted to start collecting dogs.

I gave him a couple of pointers.

 

Yesterday I wore something from my old Navy uniform, and it still fit!!!

It was a pair of socks, but still.

 

I just received a mind-controlled calculator for my birthday.

Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.

 

So the family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra. We were all okay with it, but Grandma has been taking it hard.

 

 

Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job.

 

I bought a wooden car. It’s got wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden seats, wooden wheels, even a wooden key. Guess what?
Wooden start.

 

I still think Airplane! was one of the funniest movies ever:

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain today?"

And she replied, "Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley."

That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.

 

A guy who had forgotten the dates for several of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to get something to help him remember.  He went to a few computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck.  Finally, he asked one of the clerks, "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" 

"Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded.
~~~~~

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

``````

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” 

The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks, Dad,” the son says.
The father shakes his head and says, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

 

And finally

Two priests walking see a drunk who staggers over to them and says, “I am Jesus Christ.”
“No, you are not,” responds a priest.
The drunk says, “I’ll bet you a drink that I am Jesus Christ.”

The priests are speechless.

“Follow me and I’ll prove I am Jesus Christ,” says the drunk, who walks into a pub. The priests shrug and follow the drunk into the pub.
As soon as the bartender sees the drunk, he exclaims, “Jesus Christ, what are you doing back in here? I told you to leave until you sober up!”