Ho Ho Holidays #1261

 It is Christmas once again when stores try to convince us to be happy by buying *stuff* for people.  While it is popular to denigrate the commercial aspects of the season I, as an extrovert, do enjoy the crowds which are generally in a happy, festive mood.  I especially like the chance to connect with family and friends as the year comes to a nice chilly close.  I hope all of you are as fortunate as we are and that you all have a Merry Christmas.  Here are some topical bits of humor for your enjoyment.

 

Bob – I love these cookies.

Glenn – They are a secret family recipe

Bob – You have a secret family?

Glenn – Please don’t tell my wife

 

If a snow man went from the North Pole to the South Pole would he be bipolar?

 

Are the Christmas lights working?

Off and on

 

Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?

He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.

 

As a man bought a Christmas Tree the salesman asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”

“No, I’m putting it up in the living room.” the man replied with a wince.

 

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there’s myrrh.

Then there was the rebellious teen who rejected Santa.  He was a rebel without a Claus

 

Why not get dead batteries for the holiday?
They’re free of charge.

 

Some Christmas Knock Knock jokes

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Chris.
Chris who?
Christmas is almost here!

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to sing with me?

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Honda.
Honda who?
Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me …

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Dexter.
Dexter who?
Dexter halls with boughs of holly 

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Avery.
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas to you!

 

A pastor fell into the habit of using a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he entered a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer would locate the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replace it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.

Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name “Mary” and replace it with “Edna.” The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the printed program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”

 

A man in a high-end department store pointed to an elaborate train set and said to the salesgirl, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.’

Like the old joke goes:

How are boobs like train sets?  They are for children, but men still want to play with them.’

 

A twenty something miss buttonholed a mall Santa and asked if older girls could make a wish.

‘Of course,’ replied Santa, ‘What would you like?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. What would you like me to bring her?’

Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

 

A Dubliner proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
“You cheap bum!” she yells. “This isn’t even real.”
“I know,” he replied. “But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock.”

 

A couple were out Christmas shopping.  The mall was packed with people picking up last minute gifts for their loved ones.   The wife was so involved in her shopping that it was a while before she noticed that her husband had disappeared in the crowds.  After looking around for him for a while she picked up her cell and gave him a call.

“Where are you, honey?” she asked.

“Relax.  Do you remember that jewelry store with the blue front we went into a year ago?”

“You mean the one that had the diamond necklace that I loved so much?” she replied, her heart beating faster.

“Yeah, that’s the one. I am in the bar right next to it.”

 

It was just before Christmas, and the jailer was in a good mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early’.

‘That’s no crime’, said the jailer. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

 

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans. I kill their plants and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I guess I’m a gnome.” 

 

A man went up to an ice cream vendor and asked, ‘Large cone please’ in a quiet, croaky voice."

"Vendor says, ‘Raspberry syrup?’

‘Yes please,’ replies the man in the same painful sounding voice.

'Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ says the bloke, pointing to his throat, Laryngitis.’"

 

And finally

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may also pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”