Toothful JOW #1295

 

I am getting oral surgery today so dental matters are on my mind, or should I say, in my head.   I know a fair number of jokes about dentists and thought I would share them with you this week.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Some dental riddles

 

What did the lawyer say to the Dentist?

"Do you promise to take the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth?"

 

What did the lawyer demand before the dentist worked on him?
A retainer.

 

If a kid has 25 candy bars and they eat 22 of them, what do they have?

Cavities.

 

What award did the dentist win?

A little plaque.

 

What’s the dentist’s favorite kind of dinosaur?

A floss-iraptor.

 

Why did the dentist and the manicurist break up?
They fought tooth and nail.

 

Why do social justice warriors hate dentists?

Because they make teeth straight and white.

 

How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

The drill slipped.

 

Patient: How much does it cost to have a tooth pulled? 

Dentist: $100. Patient: All that for only a few minutes of work? That’s expensive. 

Dentist: Don’t worry, I can pull it out slower if you’d like.

 

My dentist said my teeth were stained and then asked me "Do you smoke or drink coffee?"

I said ... "I drink it"

 

Until it came out in conversation, no one knew he had a loose crown.

 

I referred to my dentist as an orthodontist by mistake.

It was acci*dental*.

 

Patient: How much does it cost to have a tooth pulled? 

Dentist: $100. 

Patient: All that for only a few minutes of work? That’s expensive. 

Dentist: I can pull it out slower if you’d like.

 

A little girl was talking to her dad about what she wanted to be when she grew up. She was thinking about either becoming a heart doctor or a tooth doctor.

“Dentist,” said her father.

“Why?” the little girl asked. “

“We only have one heart, but we have 32 teeth.”

 

A dentist in my town just got arrested for selling drugs!

It's amazing what secrets people can keep. I've been going to him for over ten years and I never knew he was a dentist.

 

Once upon a time there were two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to get off
his lazy behind and go get them some food. After some protest, the lazy brother takes the car and leaves for the store. In the meantime, the dentist takes
a nap. He turns off his phone so he won't be interrupted.
About 30 minutes later, the lazy brother gets into a head-on collision in the intersection by the grocery store. His vital signs are fading; he's unconscious
and barely moving. An ambulance picks him up and rushes him to the hospital. He ends up in the Emergency Room under observation, but his condition is critical.
They try calling his dentist brother, but he doesn't pick up because his phone is off.
The dentist wakes up to a knock on the door. At first, he ignores it, but the knocking continues. Eventually, he resolves to get up and yell
at the person at the door. When he does, he reveals--- the grim reaper. He is just as he appears in movies; a full skeleton underneath a tattered cloak.
The grim reaper swears. "Oh no, wrong brother! This sometimes happens with identical twins".
"What do you mean?" asks the dentist.
"Well... if you must know, your brother was in a critical car accident, and I've come to take him to the underworld. I'm afraid his time on Earth has ended.
I'll take my leave now."
The dentist is obviously upset. He says "Wait! Isn't there some way I can challenge you for my brother's life? After all, YOU made the mistake. Certainly
there must be a way I can bargain for his life."
The grim reaper asks "What do you have in mind?"
The dentist thinks. "How about a challenge? If I beat you, you let my brother go free."
The grim reaper laughs. "I will beat you in any challenge. What challenge do you propose?"
The dentist smiles. "I propose we see who has the cleanest teeth. Five minutes of brushing each, then we decide."
"Very well" says the grim reaper, who makes his way to the bathroom.

Once there, he pulls back his tattered cloak to reveal his skull. It's glistening. He takes a toothbrush from the bathroom, loads it with toothpaste, and
brushes. After five minutes, the shiniest teeth anyone has ever seen glisten and make the room bright.

The grim reaper grins. "You are foolish human. But you are entitled to your chance."
The dentist takes another toothbrush, loads it with toothpaste, and starts brushing like a madman. When his five minutes are up, he spits out the paste. He
smiles.
It's unbelievable.
The shine from the dentist's teeth is so beautiful that he can see the grim reaper's reflection in his perfectly clean teeth.
The winner is obvious. The grim reaper hangs his head in shame. "You win, human. This time. Your brother will live." He disappears in a puff of smoke.
At the same instant, the bed-ridden brother wakes up in the hospital. Not only is he uninjured, but he also seems perfectly healthy. Suddenly, the phone by his
bed rang. It's his brother, the dentist. He picks up. "Hey bro. You'll never believe what happened. Apparently, I went out to the market and got hit by a car. They say I almost died."
The dentist smiles on the phone and replied "That's interesting, bro. Today you might say that I also had a brush with death."

 

 

An August JOW #1294

 August is a crappy month.  I hate August even more than I hate September because at least in September cooler weather is coming.  All you have to look forward to in August is…. September – which is still too hot.  August is the month that studios open movies that aren’t good enough for either Christmas or summer blockbusters.  School starts.  It’s hot.  All In all, it is an awful month.  Here are some jokes to help get you through these trying times.

 

August is nature’s way of saying you were too comfortable

 

August in 1972 was hot.  And so was your grandma.

 

And if you are looking for a hot date, any day in August will do

 

It’s so hot, it smells like bacon. 

The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!

 

I bought this hipster jacket last August! I got a really good deal on it because I bought it before it was cool.

 

August is here so I guess it’s time to fire up the Christmas music.

 

My neighbors just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. They call her Summer for short.

 

The only responses to your August birthday party invitations are out-of-office replies.

 

It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar and Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

 

Pride month should really be moved to August...

Because pride cometh before the Fall

 

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August 2024”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

 

A tourist was passing through a Texas town in the heat of summer.
He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him.

The tourist then asked the locals what made them so sure.

“Well,” they answered, “first we filters it, then we takes out the harmful minerals, then we puts it through some chemical process, and then we drinks it. Only around here, people calls it beer.”

 

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on The 4th of July. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought some red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear sunscreen, it’s hot outside.’”

 

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller. “Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”
“Fantastic!” says the guy.
“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”
“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”
“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber comeback concert… What is 2 + 2?”
And the guy says, “Seven.”

 

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing…. The Fall of the Roman Empire.

 

Julius Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion: "8/2, Brute..."

 

Which led to some dark jokes

The doctor has given me two months to live. I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

 

A boy asked his mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."
The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

 

Kid: "Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

 

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island, and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

“Without this lighthouse, ships would often wreck on these rocks,” the old lighthouse keeper told the new man.”
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food and bulbs stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern.”

Dog Days Again JOW #1293

Every year during the Dog Days of summer I try to send out jokes about our canine companions.  I like dogs.  In fact, I think that the secret to life is to handle every situation like a dog: If you can’t play with it, eat it, or bury it; just pee on it and walk away.  I hope these jokes cause you to wag your figurative tail a bit.

 

Dog Riddles

What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a rose?

A collie-flower

 

What do you call a dog who likes baths?

A shampoo-dle.

 

What to a call a very small dog with a very big bark?
A “sub-woofer.”

 

Why are dogs afraid to go to space?

Because of the vacuum

 

Why can’t humans hear dogs whistle?

Because dogs can’t whistle.

 

How do dog catchers get paid?

By the “pound.”

 

Why do all hot dogs look the same no matter where you see them?

They’re in bread

 

Why are border collies such good listeners?

Because you can tell they really herd you.

 

What’s a herding dog’s favorite game?

Hide and sheep.

 

A police man with a sniffer dog came up to the druggie and said, "This dog tells me you're on drugs.''

The druggie said, "I'm on drugs? you're the one talking to dogs."

 

Dogs might be “man’s best friend” but cats won’t show the cops where your drugs are.

 

In America, dogs are K9...

In China, dogs are E10.

 

What are your dog’s names?"

"Calvin and Klein"
"Like the underwear?"
"They are boxers."

 

I have a smart dog. 

I asked my dog what’s two minus two.

He said nothing.

^^^^^

Once upon a time, a palace minister served a despotic king.  The minister gave an opinion which was wrong and which the king didn’t like at all, so he ordered that the minister to be thrown to a pack of fierce wild dogs.
The minister said, "I served you loyally ten years and you do this to me?”
The king was unrelenting.
Minister pleaded "Please give me ten days before you throw me to the dogs"
The king agreed.
The minister went to the keeper of the dogs and told him he wanted to take care of the dogs for the next ten days.
The guard was baffled but he agreed.
So the minister started feeding the dogs, caring for them, washing them, providing everything for them.
When the ten days were up  the king ordered that the minister be thrown to the dogs as sentenced .
When he was thrown in, everyone was amazed at what they saw.
The dogs were wagging their tails playing with the condemned minister.
The king was baffled at what he saw. ” what happened to the dogs? !!!” He growled.
The minister then said, “I served the dogs for only ten days, and they didn’t forget my service, yet I served you for ten years and you forgot all at the first mistake!”
The king realized his mistake. He then replaced the dogs with crocodiles 

 

And finally:

A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one white and the other black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?".

The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".
The old lady is a little confused by this question since they looked similar, but figured there was a reason. She goes along,

"The White One?”.

The blonde proudly says, "It is a Hungarian Puli".

The old lady continues "And the Black one?", to which the blonde answers

"Also, a Hungarian Puli".
The old lady finds the line of answering a little odd but she's still curious and has more questions, so continues. "Look at that coat of hair. Do they shed a lot?".

To which the Blonde goes "Which one? The black or the white?".

Frustrated a little, the old lady goes along again "The White One?". The blonde chimes in "No, she doesn't shed".

So the old woman continues "And the Black one?".

"He doesn't shed either".
The old lady shakes her head at this but continues her line of questioning. "It must be challenging keeping them groomed. How often do you have to bathe them?". The blonde recites, "The White One or the Black one?".

Hoping the answers are different this time, the old lady plays along again, "The white one".

The Blonde goes "Twice a week.”

The old lady continues "and the black one?".

The Blonde goes "Twice a week as well".
The old lady has finally had it. She melts down. "Why do you keep wanting me to separate my questions when your answers are the same for both of them? It would be different if they were a different breed or you didn't know the answers to one of them because you didn't own them."
Now a little terrified, the blonde goes "Well, the white one is mine".

The old lady, now a little repentant at her outburst, goes "And the Black one?".
"Also mine".

 

 

 

 

An anteater walks into a bar! The bartender, who is extremely famous, asks if he can get him a drink. The anteater responds "noooooo." This surprises the bartender as no one has ever declined a drink before. He decides to ask the anteater if he'd like a basic drink, a rum and coke! The anteater responded "nooooo" once again. The bartender thinks to himself "hmmm, maybe this anteater doesn't like alcohol," so he offers the anteater a water. The anteater responds "noooo." The bartender is very curious with the anteaters answers and asks the anteater "why the long no's?"

 

Mountainous JOW #1292

My JOW is a bit later than usual this week because I have been visiting friends and family in Colorado.  I used to be pretty active here in the mountains, but these days I see people out there climbing mountains and doing all those exciting things like ziplining and here I am feeling good about myself, because I managed to get my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.  Here are a few jokes starting with some ones that are mountain related.

 

Mountain riddles

Why did the girl break off it with the mountain climber with frostbitten feet?

She was lack-toes intolerant.

 

What did the climber call his son? 

Cliff.

 

Why do mountains get so big? 

They have no natural predators.

 

What world-famous group has four guys that don’t even sing? 

Mount Rushmore

 

What do you call a mountain goat with a fear of heights?

A goat

 

do you call an amazing day up a mountain? 

A peak experience.

 

Why didn't anyone hear Helen Keller when she fell off a mountain?

Because she was wearing mittens

 

What is the most dangerous type of cloud in the mountains?

Cumulo granite

 

Did you hear about the pilot that flew in to a mountain?

He had a bad altitude.

 

What do you call a paper airplane that doesn’t fly?
Stationery.

 

Some deep thoughts

Up the mountain, a Japanese asked the wise man: "Master Akira, why does every westerner think that we Japanese all look alike?"

"I am not Master Akira."

 

Time is like a mountain.  It is very difficult to budget

 

Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don’t want to take them for granite.

 

I like mountains.

But volcanoes are ash holes.

 

I used to be afraid of rock climbing…

But now I’m feeling a little boulder.

 

Two mountaineers pass a crevasse during a mountain tour.  One climber says to the other: "My travel guide fell into this crevasse last year."
The other mountaineer says: "That is terrible!"
The first mountaineer replies: "No, it was already very old anyway, and besides, some pages were missing."

 

A Swiss mountain guide gave his tourists the final instructions on how to behave when climbing the Matterhorn.

"So when crossing from the summit ridge to the Hörnligrat, you have to take good care that you don't slip. If a mishap should still happen to you, then look to the left after about 100 meters of free fall and you have a fantastic view of Dufour peak on the way down."

 

A Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada. After a hard day on the slopes, he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain. After a few whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the bartender, "What the hell is that?"
The bartender replies, "It's a moose."
The Scottish chap is aghast, "Good Lord!! How big are the cats?"

 

And now for something completely different

 

A journalist asked a Russian soldier

 ‘How is life in Russia?’

‘I can’t complain,’ replied the soldier

 

A king and queen walk into a casino bar.

The bartender says, “Sorry, you’re not 21.”

 

I had to stop my origami classes.

There was just too much paperwork.

 

There’s no point adding an extra ‘s’ to the end of the word ‘needles.’

It’s needless.

 

I was gonna tell a joke about a broken clock…

But it’s not the right time.

 

I thought I managed to fix my friend’s broken microphone.

Still waiting for some feedback.

 

My favorite superhero is Typo Man.

He writes all the wrongs.

 

My friend asked me to finish his drawing of a bird. He had already drawn the head, chest and legs.

To be honest, I just winged it.

 

I hate it when I see an old person…

And then realized we went to high school together.

 

Two unwritten rules of life.

1.

2.

 

Did you hear about that semi-colon that broke the law?

He was given two consecutive sentences.

 

Following the protests, Iran has announced a controversial move to reopen outdoor markets.

Experts have described the move as a bazaar decision

 

The Mafia don of a city dies. His family held a public funeral allowing friends family and enemies to come and pay their respects.

They take it in turns to come up take a handful of earth to scatter and say a few words.

The chief of police takes a handful of earth; scatters it then turns away crying.

The Mafia don’s family turn to each other asking why the police chief was so upset, until

a journalist attending pipes up: “The police chief is upset because he’s got the dirt on him now but never could while he was alive.”

 

In Korea, a man avoided military service every year by failing his health test.
Since he was in perfect health, the official in charge of conscription asked him how he avoided military service.
The man replied, “Why, I don’t know. I always bet the doctor $500 that I’ll pass my medical test, but he always fails me for some reason.”