An August JOW #1294

 August is a crappy month.  I hate August even more than I hate September because at least in September cooler weather is coming.  All you have to look forward to in August is…. September – which is still too hot.  August is the month that studios open movies that aren’t good enough for either Christmas or summer blockbusters.  School starts.  It’s hot.  All In all, it is an awful month.  Here are some jokes to help get you through these trying times.

 

August is nature’s way of saying you were too comfortable

 

August in 1972 was hot.  And so was your grandma.

 

And if you are looking for a hot date, any day in August will do

 

It’s so hot, it smells like bacon. 

The heat index is somewhere between OMG and WTF!

 

I bought this hipster jacket last August! I got a really good deal on it because I bought it before it was cool.

 

August is here so I guess it’s time to fire up the Christmas music.

 

My neighbors just had a daughter and named her JuneJulyAugust. They call her Summer for short.

 

The only responses to your August birthday party invitations are out-of-office replies.

 

It’s so hot, the Betty Ford Clinic opened a wet bar and Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.

 

Pride month should really be moved to August...

Because pride cometh before the Fall

 

I had a beer last night and on the side of the can, it said, “Best drunk before August 2024”.

I want to thank the beer company for this prestigious award.

 

A tourist was passing through a Texas town in the heat of summer.
He wanted to be sure the water was good to drink, so he asked a local. “Oh, yes,” they assured him.

The tourist then asked the locals what made them so sure.

“Well,” they answered, “first we filters it, then we takes out the harmful minerals, then we puts it through some chemical process, and then we drinks it. Only around here, people calls it beer.”

 

Three men gathered together for a round of golf on The 4th of July. The men were quite surprised at being “let out” for the day, and each wanted to know how the other got away from their wife.
The first man said: “I bought some red roses for my wife, and she was so happy that she let me go.”
The second man said: “I purchased a ring for my wife, and she was so thrilled with me that she let me go.”
The third man said: “I woke up this morning, rolled over, looked at my wife, and said to her, ‘Golf course or intercourse,’ and she said, Wear sunscreen, it’s hot outside.’”

 

A guy gets a call from a local radio station. “Congratulations,” says the caller. “Your phone number has been selected randomly. We’re with KCLA, and we’re having a contest. All you have to do is answer one question correctly, and you win the grand prize.”
“Fantastic!” says the guy.
“It’s a math question,” says the caller. “Feeling confident?”
“I am,” says the guy. “I have a degree in math, and I teach it at the local school.”
“Great!” says the caller. “Okay, to win backstage passes and two VIP tickets to the Justin Bieber comeback concert… What is 2 + 2?”
And the guy says, “Seven.”

 

One day in August, Julius Caesar was standing on the balcony in his palace, watching the leaves drop silently from the trees.

He was witnessing…. The Fall of the Roman Empire.

 

Julius Caesar was famously killed on the Ides of March, but he wasn't expecting the attack until August 2. His final words embodied his dismay over the scheduling confusion: "8/2, Brute..."

 

Which led to some dark jokes

The doctor has given me two months to live. I've chosen August and December, because I like summer but don't want to miss Christmas.

 

A boy asked his mom "Mom, what is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."
The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

 

Kid: "Mommy, why am I getting Christmas presents in August?"

Mother: "because it's cheaper than chemotherapy."

 

An old lighthouse keeper was nearing retirement and decided to hire a younger man to take over for him when the time came.
He invited the young man for a tour of the structure, a tall building sitting on an isolated island miles away from shore. The voyage to the lighthouse was a rough one with high waves and heavy rain making the voyage difficult. Eventually, the young man safely made it to the island, and the two men commenced the tour, going around the island and its sights.

“Without this lighthouse, ships would often wreck on these rocks,” the old lighthouse keeper told the new man.”
They made their way to the lighthouse afterward as the old man demonstrated the inner workings of the structure before climbing up to the large lantern itself.
“…and that is the gist of it,” the keeper said, having finished the tour. “Any questions?”
“I do have one,” the young man replied. “Are the waters here usually this choppy? I’m just concerned about supplies and keeping food and bulbs stocked.”
“Ah, yes, you would be right to be concerned,” the keeper replied. “These are not friendly waters, and you may have to wait days, if not weeks, for any vessels to reach the island. Of course, there is a trick to getting more supplies.”
“And that is?” the young man asked.
“Just turn off the lantern.”