Auto JOW #1348

 I tend to remember jokes by subject. This is why I try to have a theme for my jokes of the week.  For no particular reason I picked cars as my theme.  Here are about a thousand words of jokes generally connected to automobiles.

 

Teslas now come with a unique “new car” smell. They call it “Elon Musk.”

 

With the rise in self-driving cars,
It is only a matter of time until there is a country song were a guy’s truck leaves him.

 

Some silly car riddles

Why don't women in Arabic countries need car insurance

because they are already covered

 

What has 10 letters and starts with G-A-S?

Automobile.

 

What happens when you get hit by a rental car?
It Hertz.

 

What do you call a Spanish man who has lost his car?

Carlos.

 

Did you hear about the car they invented that moves only when the driver is silent?
It goes without saying.

 

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together?

Carpet.

 

What do you get when you mix a fly, a car, and a pet?
A flying carpet.

 

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household pet?

A very upset child.

 

What happens when Kermit the Frog’s car breaks down? 

It gets toad.

 

What kind of vehicle does a chicken drive? 

A coop

 

What do you call a used car salesman?

A car-deal-ologis

 

What kind of car does a shepherd like to drive?

A Lamborghini.

 

What kind of cars do people in Norway drive?

Fjords.

 

Where do Volkswagens go when they get old?

The Old Volks home.

 

What do you call a drunk guy trying to start his car?

An Uber. Friends don't let friends drive drunk.

 

What has four wheels and flies?

A garbage truck

 

What do you call it when only one digit can steer your car?

A thumb drive.

 

What type of pants do you need to start a car?
Cargo pants.

 

What's the difference between a condom and a car?

There's a big market for used cars.

 

What brand of car avoids accidents the best?
Dodge.

And the one who has the most accidents.

The Ram.

If Dodge made an electric car...would it be called a Dodge Chargeable

~~~~

I couldn’t work out how to fasten my seatbelt. Then it clicked.

 

If you run beside a car you’ll get tired.
But if you run behind the car you’ll get exhausted.

 

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching…to reverse and leaving the scene of the crash

 

I've already got a car, but I want to have a DeLorean as well.

I would drive my first car every day but only drive the DeLorean from time to time.

 

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

 

My friends convinced me I was too drunk to drive my car and to take the bus instead.  Turned out I was too drunk to drive that, too.

 

Are you sweating whilst putting fuel in your car? Feeling sick when paying?

You have got the carownervirus

 

Cop: I’m writing you a ticket for driving alone in the carpool lane.

Gangster: Oh, yeah?  Just look in my trunk.

 

A woman crashed car again. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes when he is sitting in his own living room.

 

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

 

A man drove his expensive car into a tree…And found out how the Mercedes bends.

 

My last relationship ended because I didn’t open the car door for her.
Instead I just swam for the surface.

 

Wife “I’m backing the car in the garage. Would you let me know when I hit the wall?”

Husband: Sure.
[BANG]

Husband: it’s 4 35 pm.

 

Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
The mechanical engineer says, “It’s a broken starter”
The electrical engineer says, “Dead battery”
The chemical engineer says, “Impurities in the gasoline”
The IT engineer says, “Hey guys, I have an idea, how about we all get out of the car and get back in, close and open the windows.

 

The Goldberg Brothers were the inventors of the automobile air conditioner.

Here's a little-known fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Maxwell, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. 
Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.  They persuaded him to get into the car, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately. 
The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $4 million for the patent. 
The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed. 
Now there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. 
They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $3 million and that just their first names would be shown.
And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.

Political JOW #1347

 There is an election coming up soon.  I know because the commercials on TV are now exclusively for politicians.  None of the ads for politicians say what they want to do if elected; just the horrible things their opponent will do if he gets in.  They each claim the other is a terrible crook who will ruin our state/country.   I believe both of them.  I miss the ads for drugs to counteract the side effects for other drugs for some obscure medical condition.  And how am I to know which hemorrhoid cream I am supposed to use?   And speaking of hemorrhoids, here are some jokes about politicians. 

 

What do you call a politician who is caught lying?

A politician.

 

What does a politician do when he dies?

He lies still.

 

What do you call an honest politician? A myth.

 

A left-learning politician walks into a bar

The bartender asks:
Have you received therapy for your scoliosis yet?

 

What's the definition of a politician?

A person whose skin is so thick they can stand upright even without a spine

 

What's the difference between a politician and a crook?

No, seriously, I can't tell.

 

The only time a politician tells the truth...

When he calls another politician a liar

 

Some politician light bulb jokes

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one, but it will take 10 others to American politician prove the funding.

 

How many politicians does it take to change a light bulb?

None. They will never change, even if it makes the world a brighter place.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb

Three. One to screw it in.

One to screw it up. One to screw an intern.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they’re too busy trying to screw the country.

 

How many politicians does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, they’re too busy trying to screw the country.

 

How many politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
None. They’ll just form a committee to discuss it.

~~~~~

A politician goes on trial

Before he goes to the stand, his lawyer tells him, “Remember, if you get asked a question you don't know how to answer, plead the fifth."
The bailiff asks him "Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you God?"
The politician pauses for a moment and says "Uh, I plead the fifth.”

 

What's the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter "F".

 

To those upset about comparing politicians to pigs, please stop.
It's really offensive and disrespectful. Pigs are not all that bad.

 

A politician visited a remote little rural village and asked the inhabitants what the government could do for them.

“We have two big needs,” said the village headman. “First, we have a hospital but no doctor.”
The politician whipped out his cellphone, spoke for a while and then said: “I have all sorted it out. A doctor will arrive here tomorrow. What is your other need?”
“We have no cellphone reception at all in our village.”

 

A Mexican politician and an American politician are having dinner

They are eating at the American politician's house. A six-bedroom house with a Mercedes Benz at the front and a nice, big garden.
The Mexican politician remarked how nice his house was and how he was able to afford it.
The American politician said: "see that highway over there? It was funded for four lanes instead of three."
A few months later the Mexican politician invited the American over to his house down in Mexico. When the American arrived he saw the Mexican had a ten bedroom mansion a lush orchard and a massive garden with bodyguards and a Mercedes, a Porche and a few SUV's at the front.
Awe struck the American asked "how could you afford all of this?"
To which the Mexican replied: "see that bridge there?"
Confused the American said: "what bridge?"
"Exactly" the Mexican said

And finally…

A politician died and ended up at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked at him and found his name in his book.
"So, you're a politician..."
"Well, yes. Is there a problem?"
"Oh no, there is no problem. But we have a policy for people in your profession, you spend a day each in heaven and hell and then you will be free to choose where you want to spend the rest of eternity."
"Why can't I choose now? Why do I have to spend a day in hell?"
"Well, that is the policy."
First, the politician spends a day in heaven. He sees angels singing and people playing harps. He finds heaven very boring for him.
Next, he spends a day in hell.
Upon arriving there he expects to see barren wastelands with rivers of lava but instead sees lush greenery and a large five-star hotel in front of him. At the hotel entrance, he sees Satan wearing a tuxedo and sipping on a martini.
"This isn't what I expected hell to be."
"Oh, hell has been completely misrepresented. We have a luxury five-star hotel with seven-course meals prepared by the best chefs. And we have all the sporting facilities you could imagine with a very large pool. All this is for free."
So the politician spends the entire day playing golf and eating his meals by the poolside. At the end of the day, he sleeps in the most luxurious bed he could imagine in a very large suite. The next morning, when he wakes up, he is back at the pearly gates where St. Peter is waiting for him.
"So what will it be?"
"I can't believe I'm saying this, but I prefer hell."
So, the politician is transported back to hell, where he sees a barren wasteland illuminated only by the glow of rivers of lava and hears the screams of people being tortured. The air is full of the stench of sulfur.  Once again he sees Satan in his tux.
"What happened to the hotel, the golf course, the pool and all the greenery I saw yesterday?"
"Well, yesterday we were campaigning, today you have voted."

 

Sporting JOW #1346

It is that magical time of year when all four major sports are playing at the same time.  You can see every kind of sport on TV with the exception of whatever particular game you want to see.  Here are some jokes about as many sports as I could come up with.

 

What is the National Sport of the United States of America?

Depends on which one is on TV right now.

 

I am a little worried about the future of the sport of Olympic skiing.

It’s just going downhill - Fast.

 

Reverse origami is my favorite sport.

I love watching the action unfold.

 

What’s harder to catch the faster you run?

Your breath.

 

What’s the difference between the Washington Commanders and a dollar bill?
You can still get four quarters out of a dollar bill.

 

What happened to the joke that Carson Wentz told his receivers?
It went over their heads.

 

Where does a majority of a hockey player’s salary come from?

The tooth fairy.

 

I watched hockey before it was cool.
They basically were swimming.

 

I wanted to buy a hockey stadium.
But unfortunately, my realtor could only give me a ballpark estimate.

 

What’s the difference between hockey and wrestling?

In hockey, the fights are real.

 

How are hockey players paid?
With checks.

 

My neighbor told me his dog retrieved a pickleball two miles from the nearest courts.

 

Sounds far-fetched. I had to use my glasses while playing pickleball.
It’s a no-contacts sport.

 

I’m okay with my pickleball doubles partner poaching my shots, but we were in a bar

 

Which sport does the grim Reaper play?

Sickle Ball

 

What's a philosopher’s favorite sport?

Discuss

 

What do the Atlanta Falcons and possums have in common?
Both play dead at home and get squashed on the road!

 

It’s a good thing our favorite sports drink was invented at University of Florida…

If it was developed at Florida State University, Gatorade might have been called Seminole Fluid instead.

 

Have you guys tried the new sport of blindfold archery?

You don't know what you're missing.

 

What sport is played by angry French people?

Lacrosse

 

Paintball is a very violent sport

It involves a lot of dyeing

 

Why are tennis players bad at relationships?

Because love means nothing to them

 

What is Sean Connery's favorite sport, and what time does he like to play?

Tennish.

 

Why don’t grasshoppers watch soccer?

They watch cricket, instead.

 

What does a Bulls fan do after watching his team win?
Rewind the tape.

 

What’s the difference between time and a ball hog?
Time passes.

 

Did you hear the Atlanta Hawks don’t have a website?
They can’t string three W’s together.

 

Why can’t basketball players go on vacation?

They get penalized for travelling.

 

Why didn’t Jesus play hockey?

Because soccer and baseball are much more popular in Mexico.

 

What sport does the Kool-Aid man play?

Baseball. He's a pitcher.

 

Why does a pitcher raise one leg when he throws the ball?

If he raises them both, he’d fall down.

 

When should baseball players wear armor?

When they’re playing knight games.

 

Did you hear? Detroit is building a new stadium at an undisclosed location.

They’re keeping it a secret because they’re afraid the Tigers might find out and try to play there.

 

Where do you keep your baseball mitt while driving?

In the glove compartment.

 

An apartment building caught fire.  A woman screamed out the window for help.

“Just jump out the window,” a man yells.

“I’m a baseball player. I can catch you.”

“Wait,” she says. “What team do you play for?”

“The Cincinnati Reds,” shouts the man.

“Ehhhh,” shrugs the woman. “I’ll take my chances with the fire.”

 

I love the fall. It gives me a chance to sit at home and watch the World Series.

Just like the Mets.

 

What do you get when you cross a running back and the Invisible Man?

Scoring like no one has ever seen.

 

What is a boxer’s favorite part of a joke?

The punchline!

 

What’s the hardest part about skydiving?

The ground

 

I'm outfitting my large boat for sport fishing.

Ship just got reels.

 

Drag racing is an amazing favorite sport

I'm just so amazed at how fast they can run in heels.

 

Why did the basketball player go to jail?

Because he shot the ball.

 

At age 20 men play basketball
At age 40 men play tennis
At age 60 men play golf
The moral of the story is the older you get the smaller your balls get.

 

Soccer is famous for the rough behavior of the fans

A football hooligan appeared in court charged with disorderly conduct and assault. The arresting officer, giving evidence, stated that the accused had thrown something into the canal. `What exactly was it that he threw into the canal' asked the magistrate.

'Stones, sir.'

'Well, that's hardly an offence is it?'

'It was in this case, sir,' said the police officer. 'Stones was the referee.

 

And finally,

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor, and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.
Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.
The girl said she was.
A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.
Approaching again, Sandy offered "Would you like me to be your friend?"
The girl hesitated, then said "Okay." looking at the woman suspiciously.
Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"
"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation "I'm the goalie!"

 

Horsey JOW #1345

 I recently had a chance to ride some horses in Wyoming.  I really enjoyed it.  I had not been on a horse in 25 years.  My equine adventure got me thinking about horses and horse humor, and that resulted in these jokes of the week.

 

According to Greek Mythology, Chiron was a half-human, half-horse doctor.
This made him the Centaur for Disease Control.

 

Did you hear the joke about the 3-legged horse?
It was lame.

 

In the early 1900’s, everyone owned a horse, and only the rich had cars.
Today, everyone has a car, and only the rich have horses.
Oh, how the stables have turned.

 

Man: “This is my horse, Mayo.”
Friend: “Why did you call him that? He’s not even a white horse?”
Mayo: [neighs]

 

It takes some people hours to do the hair on their mares. 

They are high mane-tenance.

 

What do you call an Amish guy with his hand in a horse’s mouth?

A mechanic.

 

Have you heard about the runaway horse?

It’s a tale of WHOA!

 

What do you call a class about Viking horses with sore throats?
A Norse hoarse horse course, of course.

 

What do you call a horse and a bee that live in the same Boston neighborhood?
Neigh-buzz.

 

It’s incredibly easy to make a slow horse fast…
You just stop feeding it.

 

In medieval times, people used to attach a lamp to a horse when riding at night.
This is the earliest known form of saddle light navigation.

 

What did the horse say when it fell over?

I’ve fallen over and I can’t giddyup

 

What does a Jamaican horse eat?
Reghay.

 

Do you know why horse stalls at the racetrack are labeled A, B, D, and E?

Because no one wants to bet on a seahorse.

 

How do you disguise a horse in the desert?
With camelflage

 

What do you call a really long race ran by female horses?
A mare-a-thon.

 

What do you call a horse that can’t lose a race?

Sherbet.

 

Don’t order hay for your horse off Amazon.
After a couple of days they’ll ask for your feed back.

 

What goes “clopclopclop-clop-clop-clop-clopclopclop?”
Horse code.

 

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin.
And that’s how we got giraffes.

 

What did Obi-Wan say at the rodeo?
“Use the horse, Luke!”

 

A Tom Swift joke:

“I’m gonna shift to an all hay diet.” Tom said, balefully.

 

“Doctor, please help, my friend broke his leg.”
“Sorry, but I’m a vet, I specialize in horses.”
“Come on, please, it can’t be that big of a difference?”
“Ok fine, just let me get my rifle from the car.”

 

Then there are the ‘horse walks into a bar’ jokes

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, “Why the long face?”

In some versions of this old joke you add the following

The horse says, “My best friend just died.”

 

A horse walks into a bar.
He approaches the bartender and says, “If there is a triangle with three sides labeled x, y, and z, and x and z are perpendicular to each other, which side is the hypotenuse?”
The bartender thinks for a moment, then replies, “Y, the long face.”

 

A horse walks into a bar. The barman confuses idioms with jokes and offers him a glass of water…
But can’t make him drink.

 

A horse walks into a bar and orders a coke.
The bartender asks, “Straw?”
The horse replies, “No thanks, I already ate.”

 

A horse walks into a bar.

“Hey,” says the barman.

“Yes please,” says the horse.

 

A horse walks into a bar. The horse tells the bartender, “I don’t think,” and disappears.
This is a reference to the Descartes quote “I think, therefore I am.”
But if I had explained that earlier, it would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

~~~~

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.
“Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“Alright, I’m gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I finish, I’m gonna do what I done in Texas! And I don’t like to have to do what I done in Texas!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.
The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?”
The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home.”

 

And finally, an off-topic joke

A man arrived at the gates of heaven, where St. Peter greets him and says: "Before I can let you enter I must ask you what you have done in your life that was particularly good."

The man racks his brains for a few minutes and then admits to St. Peter that he hasn't done anything particularly good in his life.

"Well," says St. Peter, "have you done anything particularly brave in your life?"

"Yes, I have," replies the man proudly.

St. Peter asks the man to give an account of his bravery.

So, the man explains, “My wife just bought a new expensive pair of blue jeans.  She asked me if they made her butt look big.  I told her that anything she wore already did that."

"Yes," responded St. Peter, "I agree that was a real act of bravery. Can you perhaps tell me when this took place?"

"Certainly," the man replied, "about three minutes ago."