Good Swift Kick in the JOW #679

            Elmore Leonard, a gifted writer and pretty cool guy overall passed away last month.  He had ten rules for good writing.  "Never use a verb other than 'said' to carry dialog and never use an adverb to modify the verb ‘said," he admonished gravely.  (Sorry, that is like the saying ‘a preposition is something you should never end a sentence with.)

            I suspect Elmore may have been exposed to the Tom Swift books written before TV and computer games when people actually read for pleasure.  These Tom Swift books were cranked out by teams of writers who tended to share a specific style that absolutely shattered Elmore’s rules.  Tom always modified his dialog sometimes with inadvertently hilarious results.   

“I’ll have a martini,” Tom said dryly.  I have some of these things memorized but they are so easy to do it is better just to let them flow - downhill.

            By the way, Tom Swift was roughly based on the pioneering aviation genius Glenn Curtis who led an amazing if too short life. 

            Anyway, here are some more Tom Swifties along with some other stuff I thought was funny at the time. 

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I pulled a hamstring,” said Tom limply.

 “I’m just an average guy,” said Tom meanly.

“I compose music,” Tom noted.

 “Sesame,” said Tom openly.

“Let’s sort this out,” Tom ordered.

“I’ve been waiting to see the doctor,” said Tom patiently.

 “I’m here,” said Tom presently.

 “I teach at the university,” Tom professed.

“Once again, I read it on Wikipedia,” Tom recited.

 “I see myself,” Tom said upon reflection.

“I'm your second cousin,” Tom related.

“Here is your hot dog,” said Tom with relish.

 “"I will file a counter suit against you," Tom retorted,” Tom retorted.

“That's more or less correct,” Tom said roughly.

 “I only use one herb when I cook,” said Tom sagely.

“Wool is better than cotton,” Tom said sheepishly.

“So, it’s a duel you want!” Tom shot back.

 “It only looks like cocaine,” Tom snorted.

 “I'm from Missouri,” Tom stated.

“I'm not gay,” Tom said with a straight face.

 “I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly.

“If I die, you get everything,” said Tom willingly.

“Would you stop horsing around!” yelled Tom woefully.

“I feel a draft,” Tom said coolly.

 “I’m a broken man,” Tom cracked.

“Our situation is pretty grave,” said Tom cryptically.

I hate it when it rains on a camping trip,” Tom said intently.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Some kid jokes:

A man escaped prison by digging a hole from his cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl’ "I'm four."

Q. How to you catch a unique rabbit?

A. You ‘neak’ up on him.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A. Tame way: you ‘neak’ up on him.

Q. What is a wok?

A. It is what you throw at a wabbit.

Three more language jokes:

My English teacher once asked me to name two pronouns.  I answered “who, me?”

Dear women, we hate periods, too - Sincerely, Commas

Ambiguity – what happens in vagueness stays in vagueness

Here are some thoughts on things that shouldn’t bother me – but they do.

·         Isn’t it fruitless to eat your vegetables?

·         Isn’t the center of register the gist of the word?

·         Can lay people be upstanding citizens?

·         Like the wheel, wasn’t the lazy Susan a revolutionary idea?

·         Did you ever wonder why funeral starts with the word fun?

·         What are you vacating when you go on vacation?

·         If you are a host should you act hostile?  And would you guests be hostages?

·         Can you orient yourself out west?

·         Why are there interstates in Alaska and Hawaii?

·         Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

·         If you are just kidding, isn’t that childish?

·         Aren’t half-baked ideas rare?

·         How do you get off a non-stop flight?

·         During a heart attack, is the heart attacking or is it being attacked?

·         When sick, wouldn’t you go to a medical doctor to be ill-advised?

·         Shouldn’t the doctor be ill-prepared and the patient ill-mannered?

·         Aren’t doctor’s fees ill-gotten gains?

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And finally:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'

Football Again JOW #678

It is football season again.  Ah, football, the only sport I know that combines violence and committee meetings.  Former tight end Aaron Hernandez got arrested and dropped by the New England Patriots. Hernandez could serve years in jail – or even worse, get signed by the New York Jets.  NFL had so many legal issues in the last year they adopted a new honor system - "Yes, your Honor", "No, your Honor".  As Jay Leno put it “The statistics are not good: Twenty-seven NFL players have been arrested just since the last Super Bowl. In fact, this could be the first year we see a prison football team in the playoffs. You could have OJ coaching.”

So here are a few football-themed jokes to start the week.

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The Texas A&M college football player (no, not that player) knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

“I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said.

“Which one?” she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”

……………………………………….

"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don’t even cook."

Glaring back at him, she replied, "Then why do you watch football?"

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

The Catholic guy was partial to Notre Dame football but as Michigan State alumni, he also kept tabs on his old college team. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while he was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State.

"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.

"Gee, I don’t know," he replied. "I’m kind of torn between Church and State."

<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

This one predates cell phones

A coach was called at home one night by one of his players. When his wife informed the kid that the coach wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

"Just calm down and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach’s wife told him. "What’s your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Thirty three."

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At an Eagles football game a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

"There's nothing to worry about, son," said the old veteran sitting next to him. "It's like bullets - you won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."

"That's just what I'm worried about," said the fan,"my name's Johnny Walker."

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Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 

Have you ever noticed that unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you?
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And a few random jokes:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.....
Pat knew a guy who was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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In a Louisiana church one Sunday morning, the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your
hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Signs in English pubs

·         We have 1100 happy customers and one creepy guy who is not allowed back.  (You know who you are)

·         We distrust camels and anything else that can go a week without a drink

·         Alcohol!  Because good stories do not begin with a salad

·         Free air guitar with every pint of Guinness

·         Beer: so much more than a breakfast drink

·         Come in and meet your future ex-wife

·         We have some local crabs and are itching to pass them on.

·         We have free beer, topless waitresses, and false advertising

Answers from the Grammar JOW

1) What work becomes shorter when you add two letters: short

2) In the unusual sentence each word contains one more letter than the previous word. And even longer sentence is, “I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting, nevertheless extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness.”

Another stupid JOW #677

I have a few more stupid jokes.  I love stupid humor - ‘stupid humor’ is the kind of humor is not for stupid people;  by ‘stupid humor’ I mean like things that make us laugh because we simply don't expect them, or because it’s ridiculous, or because it’s so outrageous that it entertains us.  Once these types of jokes were called Polack jokes and, perhaps after a few beefy Polish guys objected, they became Blonde Jokes. 

·         Why did the dumb blonde scale the chain-link fence?
To see what was on the other side.

·         Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
In case she locks the keys in her car.

·         What does a blonde owl say?
What, what?

·         How many blondes does it take to play tag?
One.

·         What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
“Oh look! Donut seeds!”

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Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered 6 offender

What did Zero say to number 8?

Sigh "Nice belt."

I have to have a stupid  ‘walk into a bar’ joke.  This one is better if you say it out loud.

Two whales go into a bar.

First whale says: ooooEEEEEEEEaaaayyyyyuuuuuuaaaaaaeeeooOOOOYAIIIAIIIEYOOOooooooo

Second whale says: Shut up Steve, you're drunk

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This joke is passed on from William

Pat and Tom, elderly two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.
One day Pat didn't show up. Tom didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Pat hadn't shown up for a week or so, Tom really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Tom didn't know where Pat lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Tom figured he had seen the last of Pat, but one day, Tom approached the park and--lo and behold!--there sat Pat!
Tom was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, 'For crying out loud Pat, what in the world happened to you?'
Pat replied, 'I have been in jail.'
 'Jail!' cried Tom. What in the world for?'
 'Well,' Pat said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?'
'Yeah,' said Tom, 'I remember her. What about her?
'Well, the little gold-digging witch figured I was rich and she filed rape charges against me.  I am 79 years old, and I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.
'The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.'

And here are a series of really stupid quotes

"I don't think you are a fool, but what's my opinion compared to that of thousands of others?"

"What goes around usually gets dizzy and falls over."

"Just when someone invents a foolproof thing, someone else invents a better fool!"

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re ok then it’s you!"

"Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?"

"Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once."

"If you think that something small cannot make a difference, try going to sleep with a mosquito in the room."

"If you think dogs cannot count try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and giving him only two."

"It takes 8,460 bolts to assemble and automobile - and one nut to scatter it all over the road."

"After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, ~You know, I was a fool when I married you!”

The husband replied “Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice!"

"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married - and then it was too late!"

"We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up."

"There’s a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot."

"Humor is a reminder that no matter how high the throne you sit one is, you still sit on your bottom!"

"Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he'll have to touch it to be sure."

"When somebody tells you nothing is impossible, ask him to dribble a football."

"You have the right to remain silent, because whatever you say will probably be stupid."

"I can sometimes resist temptation, but never mischief."
 
"A positive attitude may not solve all your problems, but it will annoy enough people to make it worth the effort."

"At all the weddings, my aunts would come up and poke me in the ribs, cackling 'You're next'! They stopped after I started doing the same thing at funerals."

"They say you shouldn't say anything about the dead unless it’s good. He's dead. Good!"

"Chickens, the only animal you eat before they are born, and after they are dead."

"People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it's safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs."

"To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it."

"Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups."

"It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens."

"Women like silent men, they think they're listening."

Ruth sent me some truisms

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that
professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
~ David Letterman
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I'm not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. God dammit, I'm a billionaire.
~ Howard Hughes
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After the game, the King and the pawn go into the same box.
~ Italian proverb 

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You know you're a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn't.
~ Jeff Foxworthy
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Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke.
~ Robin Hall 

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We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea.
~ WH Auden 

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I don't believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we're very skeptical.
~ Arthur C. Clarke 

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Home cooking - where many a man thinks his wife is.
~ Jimmy Durante
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The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
~ George Roberts
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If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
~ Jonathan Winters 

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I have kleptomania; when it gets bad, I take something for it.
~ Robert Benchley

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And finally this bit of wisdom from Tor:

"Many are called but few get up."