Academic Exercise #752

So when Ruth completed PA school she got another degree.  Her full official name is now

Virginia Ruth Pinney, Cdr. USN (ret.), PhD., MPAS., MS., BS., etc.   That’s a lot of letters.  This got my mind to thinking about academic jokes and intellectual jokes and such and these jokes just sort of popped out.

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A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer were each asked to establish the volume of a red rubber ball.

The physicist immersed the ball in a beaker full of water and measured the volume of the displaced fluid. The mathematician measured the diameter and calculated a triple integral. The engineer was unable to solve the problem because all he had was a Blue Rubber Ball Volume Table.

Reasons why Socrates wouldn't be hired as a Philosophy professor:

No Ph.D.
No publications.
Freely admits that he doesn't know anything.
No set curriculum, & no exams.
Will let anybody into his classes and doesn't charge for instruction.
Thinks teachers who take money for their instruction are immoral sophists.
No teaching experience.

Some semi-intellectual jokes:

·         What do Japanese pigeons sing?  High Coos

·         What’s the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist? An etymologist knows the difference.

·         A photon checks into a hotel.  The bellhop asks if he has any luggage.  “No, I am traveling light.”

·         The mathematician was so mean he had no standard deviation.

·         Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on technicality…

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A mathematician, a biologist, and a physicist are sitting in a street-side cafe watching people going in and coming out of a house on the other side of the street. First they see two people going into the house.
              Time passes. After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
             The physicist says, "The initial measurement wasn't accurate".
            The biologist says: "They have reproduced".
             The mathematician says, "If exactly 1 person enters the house, then it will be empty again."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are shown a pasture with a herd of sheep. They are told to put the sheep inside the smallest possible amount of fence.
    The engineer is first. He herds the sheep into a circle and then puts the fence around them, declaring, "A circle will use the least fence for a given area, so this is the best solution."
     The physicist is next. She creates a circular fence of infinite radius around the sheep, and then draws the fence tight around the herd, declaring, "This will give the smallest circular fence around the herd."
     The mathematician is last. After giving the problem a little thought, he puts a small fence around himself and declares, "I define myself to be on the outside!"

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There were two sophomores at Duke University who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did well enough on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that they had solid 'A's going into the final exam. These two friends were so confident going into the final that they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends on the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday.
    They did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and they didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning. Rather than taking the final then, they went Professor Aldric after the final and explained to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and they had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late getting back to campus.
    Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. They studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin. They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.
    It said, "(95 points) Which tire?"

……………………………………….

How many economics professors does it take to change a light bulb?

None. If it really needed changing, market forces would have caused that to happen.

But if you think about it, an economist is really someone who liked numbers as a kid but didn't have enough charisma to be an accountant.

++++++++++++++++

A linguistics professor, lecturing in class one day:
"In English, a double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

Voice from the back of the room:
"Yeah, right."

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A genetics professor was explaining to one of her colleagues from the humanities why her research focused on fruit flies. "Sure, we would rather use an organism closer to humans," she explained, "but fruit flies are great because they reproduce quickly so there are lots of them, and nobody cares what we do to them."

Her colleague pondered this for a moment and then asked, "Well, if you want something with a human-like physiology but that's superabundant, and unloved, why don't you use lawyers?"

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The Rabbit, the Fox, and the Wolf - a fable for Ph.D. candidates

    One sunny day a rabbit came out of her hole in the ground to enjoy the weather. The day was so nice that the rabbit became careless, and a fox sneaked up and caught her.
     "I am going to eat you for lunch!," said the fox.
    "Wait!" replied the rabbit, "You should at least wait a few days."
    "Oh yeah? Why should I wait?"
     "Well, I am just finishing writing my Ph.D. thesis."
    "Hah! That's a stupid excuse. What is the title of your thesis anyway?"
    "I am writing my thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
    "Are you crazy? I should eat you up right now! Everybody knows that a fox will always win over a rabbit."
    "Not really, not according to my research. If you like, you can come to my hole and read it for yourself. If you are not convinced you can go ahead and have me for lunch."
    "You are really crazy!" But since the fox was curious and had nothing to lose, it went with the rabbit into its hole. The fox never came back out.

     A few days later the rabbit was again taking a break from writing and, sure enough, a wolf came out of the bushes and was ready to eat her.
     "Wait!, yelled the rabbit, "you cannot eat me right now."
    "And why might that be, you fuzzy appetizer?"
     "I am almost finished writing my Ph.D. thesis on 'The Superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves'."
     The wolf laughed so hard that it almost lost its hold on the rabbit. "Maybe I shouldn't eat you, you are really sick in your head, you might have something contagious," the wolf opined.
     "Come read for yourself, you can eat me after that if you disagree with my conclusions." So the wolf went to the rabbit's hole and never came out.

    The rabbit finished writing her thesis and was out celebrating in the lettuce fields. Another rabbit came by and asked, "What's up? You seem to be very happy."
     "Yup, I just finished writing up my dissertation."
     "Congratulations! What is it about?"
     "It is titled 'The superiority of Rabbits over Foxes and Wolves.'"
     "Are you sure? That doesn't sound right."
     "Oh yes, you should come over and read for yourself."
     So they went together to the rabbit's hole.
     As they went in, the friend saw the typical graduate student abode, albeit a rather messy one after writing a thesis. The computer with the controversial dissertation was in one corner, on the right there was a pile of fox bones, on the left was a pile of wolf bones, and in the middle was a big old lion licking his chops.

     The moral of the story is:
    The title of your dissertation doesn't matter; what matters is who your thesis advisor is.

Cowboy Humor #751

I attended a church retreat this last weekend out near La Grange, which is at the edge of cowboy country.  There was a sign I read that said, “That boy is so confused he don’t know if he found a rope or lost a horse.”  That got me thinking about cowboy and other western jokes and humor such as: The only way to drive cattle fast is slowly.

So here are some western style jokes for your amusement.

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A Texas rancher was working hard at bragging up his great state to a visitor from back east. He finished up his oration with a final comment. “Why, all Texas needs to become the garden spot of the world is good people and water.”
The easterner, not buying a word of it, replied with a grin. “Hear tell, that’s all Hell needs.”

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An Oklahoma rancher and a Texas rancher were discussing their spreads. The Oklahoma rancher said, "From my front porch my land goes as far as the eye can see and a little bit farther."
The Texan nodded. "That's mighty impressive, but I can get up at five o'clock in the mornin', hop in my pickup truck and drive all day and not reach the end of my land before dark."
The Oklahoma rancher nodded in return. "Yeah..., I had a truck like that once, but I finally got rid of the damn thing."

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Texans claim that Oklahoma is just an outlying province of Texas, but Oklahomans say nobody can out lie a Texan.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Texas has the most beautiful women in the world.  Why?  Because if they are not pretty by the time they are 12, they ship them off to Oklahoma.

……………….

A tough old cowboy was counseled that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.  He did this faithfully to the age of 99.  When he died, he left 4 children, 12 grandchildren, 15 great grandchildren, and a 15 foot hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.

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An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a rancher. “Look at it this way,” he said finally. “How would your wife carry on if you should die?”
“Well,” answered the rancher after giving it some thought, “I don’t reckon that’s any concern of mine, so long as she behaves herself while I’m alive.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Old Jeb was slowly working his way back to the ranch after drinking all night at the local saloon. As he wandered along the river he notices a group of people gathered around and there seems to be some sort of a commotion.
Jeb heads his horse in their direction to get a better look and as he reaches the water’s edge he falls off his horse...Turns out the group was in the middle of a baptism.
The preacher grabs Jeb by the shoulders and asks him "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
Old Jeb, too drunk to realize what he was getting into answers "Sure."
Upon that the preacher dunks him under the water and then pulls him up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
Jeb says "no" so the preacher dunks him again and asks him "have you found Jesus?"
Again Jeb says "no" so this time the preacher dunks him and holds him under for almost a full minute and then brings him to the surface and again asks him "Have you found Jesus?"
By this time Jeb is half drowned. He coughs and hacks and spits up some water and says,
"Not yet! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

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The eastern lady who was all ready to take a horseback ride said to the cowboy, "Can you get me a nice gentle pony?" "Shore," said the cowboy. "What kind of a saddle do you want, English or western?"

"What's the difference?" asked the lady.

"The western saddle has a horn on it," said the cowboy.

"If the traffic is so thick here in the mountains that I need a horn on my saddle, I don't believe I want to ride."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Two cowboys went to a night club show. As the chorus girls pranced out to perform their number, one cowboy turned to the other and whispered, “See that fine lookin’ gal on the left end. I feel like taking her out again.”
“Why I didn’t know you had taken her out before,” answered the other.
“Well I ain’t,” came the reply. “But felt like that once before.”

SOME COWBOY INSULTS

His family tree was a shrub.

He didn't have nuthin' under his hat but hair.

His brain cavity wouldn't make a drinkin' cup for a canary bird.

She's so ugly, she could back a buzzard off a gut-wagon.

He was so ugly he had to sneak up on a dipper to get a drink of water.

He was so lazy, molasses wouldn't run down his legs.

He was ugly as a burnt boot.

---

Cowboy Computer Specialist

Log On: Making a wood stove hot

Log Off: Too much wood on fire

Monitor: Keep'n an eye on the wood stove

Down Load: Gitten the farwood off'n the truck

Mega Hertz: What ya git when ya git thrown offn yur horse

Floppy Disk: Whatcha git from tryin to tote too much farwood

RAM: That thar thang what splits the farwood

Hard Drive: Gitten home in the winter time

Windows: Whut to shut when its cold outside

Screen: Whut to shut when its black fly season

Byte: Whut dem dang flys do

Chip: Munchies fer the TV

Micro Chip: Whut's in the bottom of the munchie bag

Modem: Whatcha do to the hay fields

Dot Matrix: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

Lap Top: Whar the kitty sleeps

Keyboard: Whar you hang the dang truck keys

Software: Dem dang plastic forks and knifes

Mouse: What eats the grain in the barn

Mouse Pad: That's hippie talk fer where the mouse lives

Main Frame: Holds up the barn roof

Port: Fancy flatlander wine

Enter: Notherner talk fer "C'Mon in y'all"

Click: Whut you hear when you cock yer gun

Double Click: When you cock the double barrel

Reboot: Whut you have to do right before bedtime, when you have to go to the outhouse

And finally:

 New Mexicans always resented all the Texans who came over to ski.  I actually heard this in a ski line in Sante Fe:

“If God had meant for Texans to ski, he would have made bullshit white.”

“Yeah, well if God had meant for you New Mexicans to ski, he would have given you more money.”

Differcnces between Men and Women JOW #750

According to new research women like to date men who make them laugh due to evolutionary differences hard-wired into our brains.  Scientists found that women's brains show greater activity than men's in reward-related regions in response to humor.  The finding is consistent with the theory that women have evolved to appreciate humor, whereas men have evolved to produce humor.  According to this view, women use a man's ability to make them laugh as a way to judge his genetic fitness as a suitable partner and potential father.  Of course women say the real reason is because men so ridiculous that they are just easier to laugh at.  And come to think of it, the whole theory may be wrong - you don't see women trampling over Tom Cruise to get to Gilbert Gottfried, do you?

Science also indicates that that men tend to fall in love with things they see and women tend to fall in love with something they hear.  This is why women wear makeup and men lie.

George Carlin may have put it best: women are crazy and men are stupid.  And the reason women are crazy if because men are stupid.

Dave Berry had some insight between men and women

Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.

Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit, then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.

Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.

Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.

Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night, most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"

Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends. Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in the history of the world has a man excused himself from a restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take a leak. Do you want to join me?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

And from Clay:

Q: Why don’t cannibals eat divorced women?

A: Too bitter

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English, unlike languages such as Spanish or French, is a gender neutral language.  But if words did have a gender here are a few suggestions for those words’s gender:

·         Tire - male, because it goes bald and often is overinflated.

·         Sponges - female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.

·         Hammer - male, because it hasn’t evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.

·         Kidneys - female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.

·         Ziploc Bags - male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see right through them.

·         Web Page - female, because it is always getting hit on.

·         Shoe - male, because it is usually unpolished, with it's tongue hanging out.

·         Remote Control - female, because it gives men pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.

·         Swiss Army Knife - male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it spends most of it's time just opening bottles.

·         Copier - female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up, it is an effective reproduction device when the right buttons are pushed, and it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.

·         Hot Air Balloon - male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a fire under it... and of course, there's the hot air part.

·         Hourglass - female, because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.  (fooled you, didn’t I?)

·         Subway - male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.