Short Stupid JOW #864

My friend Dick sent me three really stupid jokes.  Of course, I loved them.  That got me off on more short, stupid jokes.  Most of these are word play including some really awful puns.  I hope you enjoy them.

·         What do you get when you cross a baby with a soldier?  The infantry.

·         How do you get these corn cobs to be smooth?  Kernel sanders.

·         Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?  No chemistry.

·         If I can’t find the key, I break into song

·         Your calendar’s days are numbered

·         Bakers trade their recipes in a knead to know basis

·         Once you’ve seen one enclosed shopping center, you’ve seen the mall.

·         RIP, boiled water.  You will be mist

·         So many herbs, so little thyme

·         If I can’t find the key, I break into song

·         Your calendar’s days are numbered.

·         My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

·         Spring is here and I am so excited I wet my plants.

·         I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

·         I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

While I am on the subject here are some stupid two liners

I drink a pint of water before going to bed every night. 

Why?  It gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

What is Mike the Pirate's favorite letter?

Ye'd think it be "R", but a pirate's first love always be the "C"

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"

I said, "No it doesn't."

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What's ET short for?

Because he has little legs.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

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A squirrel is relaxing in his tree when it suddenly starts to shake violently. He looks outside and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

The squirrel looks down and says, "Hey elephant, what are you doing?"

The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"

"You dummy," sayeth the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."

The elephant replies "I know, I brought my own!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dad – Go to your room!

Son – Jim Morrison was overrated!

Dad – What did I tell you about slamming the door.

Finally, more Dog jokes (left over from last week)

Airedale x Malamute = Airmal, litters that go first class 

Airedale X Spaniel = Airel, a dog that brings in good TV reception 

Akita x Shiba Inu = SHIKITA, a bright yellow, banana shaped dog

Basenji X Schipperke = Baserke, a dog that's mad about its owner

Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Bloodhound X Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Boxer X German Shorthair = Boxer Shorts, a dog never seen in public 

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed 

Cairn Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Cairjack, can never find him when you have a flat tire 

Chihuahua X Whippet = Chiapet, order from TV ads; 3 for $19.95 

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiler = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband 

Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work 

Collie X Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end 

Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 

Great Pyrenees x Jack Russell Terrier = Pyrajacks, don't bet on 'em

Harrier x Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found throughout Europe 

Highland Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Hijack, gets you in trouble on airplanes 

Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle 

Keeshond X Setter = Keester, you can't get this dog off its duff 

Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Kerry Blue Terrier X Bloodhound = Blueblood, a favorite with the upper crust in Society

Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists 

Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway 

Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Pekingese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog 

Pekingese X Dachshund = Peking Dach, owned by Chinese restranteurs

Pekinese x Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats everything you say 

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Poodle X Great Pyrenees = Poopyree, a dog that smells good 

Pyrenees x Akita = Pyrakita, a small brightly-colored South American dog that can be finger-trained, as well as trained to talk

Saluki x Shitzu = Suzuki, goes for miles on a gallon of gas 

Scotch Terrier x Water Spaniel = Scotch & Water, served throughout England (as opposed to watered scotch, served throughout the USA) 

Smooth Fox Terrier X Chow Chow = Smooch, a dog who loves to kiss 

Spaniel x Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms everywhere 

Spitz X Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes 

Wiener Dog x Rottweiler = Bratweiler, a German dog found at the snack bars at sporting events

Case of the missing JOW #862

You might have noticed there was no JOW last week.  This is because I drove the 1100 miles from Chinle, Arizona to The Woodlands and back last week. There were some things I had to do/pickup back home.  On my way back to Arizona last Friday, I was somewhat dismayed to find myself driving through sleet and snow; in late April.  I usually don’t have weather like that in April unless I am backpacking with Dave. 

Living in an RV trailer can be comfortable.  Perhaps cozy would be a better word.  If we do not quite have all the comforts of our house we certainly have enough of them.  Of course, a trailer can get cold up here this time of year – as Ruth reminded me a few times.  With all this going on, I thought to come up with some jokes related to RV’s. 

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Knock, Knock

Who’s there?

RV

RV who?

RV there yet?

^^^^^^^^^^^

Redneck RV definition - Rectum: “I had two RV’s before I rectum.

Which got me thinking about redneck jokes.

The sheriff pulled up next to the guy unloading garbage out of his class C motorhome into the ditch in Kentucky. The sheriff asked, "What'r you dumping garbage in the ditch? Don't you see that sign right over your head".

"Yep", he replied. 'That's why I dumping it here, 'cause it says 'Fine For Dumping Garbage'".

…………………………………

Q: How is a divorce in Arkansas like a tornado?

A: Somebody is going to lose a trailer

The colonel, the Army one, not the Air Force one, sends me a lot of good stuff.  Here are few redneck bits:

You're An EXTREME Redneck When
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, ‘Hey, guys, watch this.’
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are ‘Gentlemen, start your engines.’
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there’s a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk

Some unrelated bits.

A woman sued a hospital saying that after his surgery her husband has surgery he lost all  interest in sex.

The hospital replied that all the man had just had cataract surgery.  “All we did was correct his vision.”

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I read that by law you have to turn on your lights when it is raining in Sweden.  How the hell am I supposed to know if it is raining in Sweden?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I had a bad day.  First, my ex got run over by a bus.  Then I got fired from my job as a bus driver.

************

I wasn’t planning on going for a run today, but man! Those cops came out of nowhere.

From Ric the accountant:

Why does Sherlock Holmes pay so little income tax?

Because he is a master of deduction.

Finally here is a story about a happy marriage.

There once was a man and a woman who had been married for more than 60 years. They talked about everything. They kept no secrets from each other except that the old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she cautioned her husband never to open it or ask her about it.

For all these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said it was time to put her affairs in order. The little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed it was time that he should know what was in the box.

When he opened it he found 2 beautifully crocheted doilies and a stack of money totaling over $2500. He asked her about the unusual contents.

“When we were married," she said, " my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doily.”

The little old man was so moved, he had to fight back tears. Only two precious doilies were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with joy and happiness.

“Sweetheart," he said "that explains the doilies, but what about all this money? Where did it all come from?”

“Oh," she said, "that's the money I made from selling the doilies.”