Weird Science JOW #1298

 I always appreciate getting feedback from my JOW recipients.  My friend Charlie did an even better favor by sending me a joke which I have not heard before about numbers.  That got me to thinking about numbers, which lead to other scientific themes.

 

What do you call numbers that move around?

Roman numerals

 

Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?
They always ended up with X equals 10.

 

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

 

What do you call someone who makes numbers disappear?

A mathmagician

 

Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers?

They were outnumbered.

 

I’m in an army of even numbers

It’s a battle against the odds

 

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

 

I asked a German girl if Germans are afraid of numbers

She said 9

 

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

 

How do you make seven even?

Take away the S.

 

Everybody knows that 7 ate 9, but why?

Because he needed to eat three squared meals a day!

 

Why don’t numbers ever argue?
They just figure things out.

 

I really pushed to get an understanding of science and math.

But science and math pushed back

 

How many engineers does it take to change light bulb?

·        Electrical engineers – None.  We get a technician to change it

·        Mechanical engineers – Two.  One to change it and one to buy the six pack of beer

·        Civil engineers – Six.  One to change it and five to do the environmental impact statement

·        Aerospace engineers – I know the answer, but you do not have the clearance for that information.

·        Industrial engineers – Currently it is one, but we think we can get it down to .76 in 4 to 6 months

·        Systems Engineers – None.  We just redefine the standard as ‘dark’.

·        Network Security Engineers – First enter your name and password.  Then answer three security questions

 

What's 2 times 2?
    Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”
    Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”
    Engineer: “4, obviously, but let’s make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”

 

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland, they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.
“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”
“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”

 

There's a university called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

 

Some silly scientific ‘walks into a bar’ jokes.

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "well, you're not a very good host!"

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here."
The bacteria say, "But we work here! We're staph."

Some helium gas drifts into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve noble gases in this bar." The helium doesn't react.

A room-temperature walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve superconductors here."
The superconductor leaves without offering any resistance.

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve neutrinos here."
The neutrino says, "That's okay, I'm just passing through."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I really pushed to get an understanding of science and math.

But unfortunately science and math pushed back

 

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

 

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

“Oh science! Oh science! Oh science!!” screamed the atheist while she was having sex.

 

The substitute was fine with teaching math, science. even music.

But art class is where he drew the line.

 

I tried to donate my brain to science

They didn't want it

 

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

 

And finally, in breaking news, researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called dummies.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many dummies but twice as many morons.