At Last Long JOW #876

I have noticed that most jokes seem to be short these days.  I blame it on short attention spans, developed by Sesame Street education and cellular phones.  We have become prisoners to our phones; maybe that is why they call them ‘cell phones.’  In an effort to curb this trend I have a few longer jokes this week strung with some pearls of wisdom in the form of quotes.  Enjoy

·         Having more money doesn't make you happier. I have 50 million dollars now but I'm just as happy as when I had 48 million. ~ Arnold Schwarzenegger

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The world's leading expert on European wasps walks into a record shop.  

He asks the assistant “Do you have ‘European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2? I believe it was released this week.”

“Certainly,” replies the assistant. “Would you like to listen before you buy it?”  

 "That would be wonderful," says the expert, and puts on a pair of headphones.  

He listens for a few moments and says to the assistant, “I'm terribly sorry, but I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and this is not accurate at all. I don't recognize any of those sounds. Are you sure this is the correct recording?”

The assistant checks the turntable, and replies that it is indeed European Vespidae Acoustics Volume 2. The assistant apologizes and lifts the needle onto the next track.  

Again the expert listens for a few moments and then says to the assistant, "No, this just can't be right! I've been an expert in this field for 43 years and I still don't recognize any of these sounds."

The assistant apologizes again and lifts the needle to the next track.

The expert throws off the headphones as soon as it starts playing and is fuming with rage.

"This is outrageous false advertising! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps and no European wasp has ever made a sound like the ones on this record!"

The manager of the shop overhears the commotion and walks over.

"What seems to be the problem, sir?"

"This is an outrage! I am the world's leading expert on European wasps. Nobody knows more about them than I do. There is no way in hell that the sounds on that record were made by European wasps!"

The manager glances down and notices the problem instantly.

"I'm terribly sorry, sir. It appears we've been playing you the bee side."

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·         Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. ~ Harrison Ford

>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Once there was a desert tribe who lived a simple existence out in the wilderness.  Their leader, Benny, had risen to his rank due to his magnificent beard. His people believed a man's strength and courage came from his beard, and thus the man with the biggest beard was their chief.

After leading the band for many years, Benny began to feel uncomfortable wearing the beard, in his hot and dusty land. He wanted to shave it off, so he called his council together to get their advice.

When he said he wanted to shave, the councilmen were shocked. One said, "Do you now remember the ancient legend, dire? The leader who removes his beard is cursed and made into a piece of earthenware."

Benny had heard this legend but he scoffed at the tale.

Being headstrong, he went ahead and cut and scraped away his once magnificent beard. As the final whisker was cut off, a huge dust storm came up. It lasted only a few seconds, and when it cleared, there was a man-sized clay vessel where only moments before had stood their leader.

The council then knew the legend must be true. Their conclusion?

"A Benny shaved is a Benny urned."

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·         Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is. ~ Jimmy Durante.

^^^^^^^^^^^^

A man went to a psychiatrist with a problem.

"Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam, then I'm a teepee, then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"

The doctor replies, "Relax.  It's very simple. You're two tents."

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·         We are here on earth to do good unto others. What the others are here for, I have no idea. ~ WH Auden

 ...............

There was once an island kingdom whose people were all fabulously wealthy.

Even though they could have afforded to live anywhere they wanted, tradition dictated they stay on their tiny island home.

Eventually, their king became frustrated and called a meeting of the tribe's elders. He said he wanted them to figure out a way he could enjoy his wealth, and stay within traditional guidelines.

After much consideration, the elders suggested he build a magnificent throne. When he objected there was not enough room in his hut for a throne, the elders suggested he call in an engineer to solve the problem.

Soon, the king's tiny hut was rigged with an elaborate system of ropes and pulleys. He could lower the huge throne for use during the day, and at night, he could haul the throne up, and lower his bed. This was truly the best of both worlds for the king.

Unfortunately, after a few months of constant use, the ropes frayed, and one night, the throne slipped and came crashing down on the king, killing him.

The wise men of the island recognized a lesson in this experience and added to the lore of their people this statement: "People who live in grass houses should not store thrones."

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·         If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport. ~ Jonathan Winters

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's policies on Mexico?" 

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out and stay out!" 

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

The Good, the Bad, the JOW #875

The old Sergio Leone Spaghetti Western ‘The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly’ is a hugely influential movie not least because its title gave us an enduring meme.  I ran across some jokes recently on the good/bad/ugly theme that tickled my fancy so I thought I would share them with you, along with a few more bits.  I hope you enjoy them.

Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.

Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your daughter is taking them.

Good: Your son's finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.

Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

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One day, shortly after joining the PGA tour in 1965, Lee Trevino, a top professional golfer and married man, was at his home in Dallas, Texas, mowing his front lawn, as he always did.   A rather attractive lady driving by in a shiny Cadillac stopped in front of his house, lowered the window and asked, “Excuse me, do you speak English?"  

Lee responded, “Yes Ma'am, I do."  

The lady then asked, “What do you charge to do yard work?"  

Lee, being a great trickster said, "Well, the woman in this house lets me sleep with her."  

The lady hurriedly put the car into gear and sped off.

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In the news: a Southern California man who was put under 72-hour psychiatric observation when it was found he owned 100 guns and allegedly had 100,000 rounds of ammunition stored in his home. The house also featured a secret escape tunnel.  By Southern California standards, someone owning 100,000 rounds is considered "mentally unstable." 

 In Arizona, he'd be called "an avid gun collector." 

 In Arkansas, he'd be called "a novice gun collector."

 In Utah, he'd be called "moderately well prepared," but they'd probably reserve judgment until they made sure that he had a corresponding quantity of stored food." 

In Idaho, he'd be called "a likely gubernatorial candidate." 

 In Georgia, he'd be called "an eligible bachelor." 

 In North Carolina, Virginia, WV, Mississippi, Tennessee, Kentucky, South Carolina and Minnesota he would be called "a deer hunting buddy."

 And, in Texas he'd just be "Bubba; who's a little short on ammo."

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Bill sent me a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.  What’s the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here’s her story in her own words:  "While out walking in the woods with my soon to be ex-husband, discussing property settlement and other divorce issues, we were surprised by a huge bear which suddenly emerged from the woods and began charging us with its large jaws wide open.  She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

 If I had not had my little Beretta .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today! Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.  The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.  The amount I saved in lawyer's fees was really incredible.  His life insurance was a big bonus.”

Some problems I have with certain words.

I object to this object.

I need to read what I read again.

Excuse me but there is no excuse for this.

Minute and minute should not be spelled the same way.

I’m not content with this content.

I am close to having to close this JOW

I should wind up this post and toss it to the wind.

And to end on a positive note, Dick sent me some old Farmer's Words of Wisdom

"Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong."
"Keep skunks and bankers at a distance." 
"Life is simpler when you plow around the stump." 
"An angry bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor."
"Words that soak into your ears are whispered…....not yelled." 
"Meanness don't just happen overnight." 
"Forgive your enemies; it messes up their heads." 
"Do not corner something that you know is meaner than you." 
"It don't take a very big person to carry a grudge." 
"Every path has a few puddles." 
"When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty."  
"Most of the stuff people worry about, ain't never gonna happen anyway"
"Don't judge folks by their relatives.
"Remember that silence is sometimes the best answer."  
"Live a good and honorable life, then when you get older and think back, you'll enjoy it a second time. 
"Don't interfere with somethin' that ain't bothering you none."  
"Timin' has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance." 
"If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'" 
"Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got. 
"The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with, watches you from the mirror every mornin'."
"Always drink upstream from the herd." 
"Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment." 
"Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin' it back in." 
"If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around." 

And my personal favorite
"Don't pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight or run, he'll just kill you."