The stories about Hurricane Harvey have
receded with the floodwaters, leaving behind over a hundred thousand structures
that were flooded. Local churches have
been providing support including distribution of cleaning supplies, food, and
clothing as things that get wet in the flood usually are better thrown
away. That is why on Sunday, all the
pews had donated clothing underneath them, clearing the space for worship,
before being brought out to be donated to local people in need.
So my mind was on churches and all the good
works they do. Bill sent me this news item and I thought it was apropos.
An interesting turn of events in Pahrump,
Nevada...
The Diamond D 's brothel began construction on
an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started
a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and
evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until
the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and
burned it to the ground!
After the brothel burned to the ground by the
lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging
about "the power of prayer."
But late last week 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond,
the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on
the grounds that the church ... "was ultimately responsible for the demise
of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine
actions or means."
In its reply to the court, the church
vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection
to the building's demise.
The crusty old judge read through the
plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he
commented:
"I don't know how the hell I'm going to
decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a
whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer....and an entire
church congregation that denies it."
I found this old religious questionnaire:
Please fill in and return to God
God would like to personally thank you for your belief and continued patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to complete the following questionnaire.
God would like to personally thank you for your belief and continued patronage. In order to better serve your needs, He asks that you take a few moments to complete the following questionnaire.
Please keep in mind that your responses will
be kept completely confidential, and that you need not disclose your name or
address unless you prefer a direct response to your comments.
1. How did you find out about your Deity?
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ The Internet
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify):
___ Newspaper
___ Bible
___ Torah
___ Book of Mormon
___ Koran
___ Divine inspiration
___ Dead Sea Scrolls
___ My mama done tol' me
___ Near-death experience
___ Near-life experience
___ National Public Radio
___ Tabloid
___ The Internet
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other (specify):
2. Which model Deity did you acquire?
___ YHVH
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ God.com (Web based)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
___ YHVH
___ Father, Son & Holy Ghost
___ Jehovah
___ Jesus
___ Krishna
___ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]
___ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]
___ Allah
___ Satan
___ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature
___ God 1.0a (hairy thunderer)
___ God 1.0b (cosmic muffin)
___ God.com (Web based)
___ None of the above; I was taken in by a false god
3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with
all parts in good working order,
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?
___ Yes
___ No
If NO, please describe the problems you
initially encountered here.
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (not all things to all of creation)
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, the Kardashian clan)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ Plays dice with the universe
Please indicate all that apply:
___ Not eternal
___ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire universe
___ Not omniscient
___ Not omnipotent
___ Not infinitely plastic (not all things to all of creation)
___ Makes mistakes (Geraldo Rivera, the Kardashian clan)
___ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people
___ Plays dice with the universe
4. What factors were relevant in your decision
to acquire a Deity?
Please check all that apply:
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
Please check all that apply:
___ Indoctrinated by parents
___ Needed a reason to live
___ Indoctrinated by society
___ Hate to think for myself
___ Wanted to meet girls/boys
___ Fear of death
___ Desperate need for certainty
___ Like organ music
___ Need to feel morally superior
___ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it
5. Have you ever worshiped a Deity before? If
so, which false god were you
fooled by? Please check all that apply:
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Beelzebub
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ The Internet
___ Elvis
___ Kate Upton
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other:
fooled by? Please check all that apply:
___ Mick Jagger
___ Rajanish
___ Baal
___ The almighty dollar
___ Left-wing liberalism
___ The radical right
___ Beelzebub
___ The Great Spirit
___ The Great Pumpkin
___ The sun
___ The Internet
___ Elvis
___ Kate Upton
___ The moon
___ TV news
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other:
6. Are you currently using any other source of
inspiration in addition to
God? Please check all that apply:
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, and rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Tea leaves
___ Mantras
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other:
God? Please check all that apply:
___ Tarot
___ Lottery
___ Astrology
___ Television
___ Fortune cookies
___ Psychic Friends Network
___ Dianetics
___ Palmistry
___ Playboy and/or Playgirl
___ Self-help books
___ Sex, drugs, and rock and roll
___ Biorhythms
___ Alcohol
___ Tea leaves
___ Mantras
___ Pyramids
___ Wandering in a desert
___ Burning shrubbery
___ Other:
7. God employs a limited degree of divine
intervention to preserve the
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one:
A. More divine intervention
B. Less divine intervention
C. Current level of divine intervention is just right
D. Don't know; what is divine intervention?
balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
Circle one:
A. More divine intervention
B. Less divine intervention
C. Current level of divine intervention is just right
D. Don't know; what is divine intervention?
8. God also attempts to maintain a balanced
level of disasters and miracles.
Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 His handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
Please rate on a scale of 1 to 5 His handling of the following
(1=unsatisfactory, 5=excellent):
Disasters:
1 2 3 4 5 Flood
1 2 3 4 5 Famine
1 2 3 4 5 Earthquake
1 2 3 4 5 Hurricane
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the meat)
1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the email kind)
1 2 3 4 5 War
1 2 3 4 5 Pestilence
1 2 3 4 5 Plague
1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the meat)
1 2 3 4 5 SPAM (the email kind)
Miracles:
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever
1 2 3 4 5 Rescues
1 2 3 4 5 Spontaneous remissions
1 2 3 4 5 Crying statues
1 2 3 4 5 Water changing to wine
1 2 3 4 5 Walking on water
1 2 3 4 5 Getting any sex whatsoever
Finally, a non-religious joke
Back on July 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois, bikers were riding west
on I-74 when they saw a well-dressed girl about to jump off the Murray Baker
Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off
his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was
trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
"I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"
"I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,
"Wow!
That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're
wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell
are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
