Helpful Hints JOW #651

            

                This week I am passing on some wisdom from Tom, who offered these helpful hints.  I added a couple of quick ones, an unrelated joke that just came to me, and ended with a very punny story of lost romance.  Enjoy -

·         AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF WHEN SLICING VEGETABLES BY GETTING SOMEONE ELSE TO HOLD THE VEGETABLES WHILE YOU CHOP them.

·         If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic.  Simply pour a jug of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

·         FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE SUFFERERS ~ SIMPLY CUT YOURSELF AND BLEED FOR A FEW MINUTES, THUS REDUCING THE PRESSURE ON YOUR VEINS.  REMEMBER TO USE A TIMER.

·         A MOUSE TRAP PLACED ON TOP OF YOUR ALARM CLOCK WILL PREVENT YOU FROM ROLLING OVER AND GOING BACK TO SLEEP AFTER YOU HIT THE SNOOZE BUTTON.

·         Have a bad tooth ache? hit your thumb with a hammer. then you will forget about the tooth ache.

·         IF YOU HAVE A BAD COUGH, TAKE A LARGE DOSE OF LAXATIVES. THEN YOU'LL BE AFRAID TO COUGH. 

·         on the other hand, NEVER take a sleeping pill AND a laxative before you go to bed

·         Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.

Avoid social blunders at weddings with these helpful hints

·         Though uncomfortable, say yes to socks and shoes for this special occasion.

·         Livestock usually is a poor choice for a wedding gift.

·         If you try to french kiss the bride, expect to get punched – by many people

·         Is it okay to bring a date to a wedding? Not if you are the groom.

Handiman hints:

·         YOU NEED ONLY TWO TOOLS IN LIFE - WD-40 AND DUCT TAPE. IF IT DOESN'T MOVE AND SHOULD, USE THE WD-40. IF IT SHOULDN'T MOVE AND DOES, USE THE DUCT TAPE. 

·         IF YOU CAN'T FIX IT WITH A HAMMER, YOU'VE GOT AN ELECTRICAL PROBLEM.

And, to reduce stress, remember Captain Woody’s Corollary:

·         NEVER RUIN A GOOD STORY WITH THE FACTS.

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·         Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant? One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

·         Ironically, a man at a tool and die company died today when he was hit with a tool.

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At a retirement home a banker, a lawyer, and three physicians attended a sales pitch by man who wanted to give these men professionally-themed final resting places.  He showed the lawyer how he could be interred beneath a judge’s bench with scales of justice on it. For the banker there was a stone vault embossed with a dollar sign.  When he discovered the first doctor was a cardiologist he showed a place of internment shaped exactly like a heart.

The gynecologist began laughing.

The proctologist left in disgust.

Finally a romantic story with a sad ending

Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other; they got married and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam.' Of course, they wanted the best for Yam.

When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato,' and end up with a bunch of Tater Tots.

Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her! But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.  She would get plenty of exercise so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring cousins.

When she went off to Europe, Mr. and Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for the hard-boiled guys from Ireland. And the greasy guys from France called the French Fries.

Yam said she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Yukon Gold's, or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks that say, 'Frito Lay.'

Mr. and Mrs. Potato sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University) so that when she graduated she'd really be in the Chips. But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and announced she was going to marry Tom Brokaw.

Tom Brokaw! Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset. They told Yam she couldn't possibly marry Tom Brokaw because he's just ......

A common tater !!

Contractor JOW #650

I received a request to make my JOW this week about contractors.  We have all dealt with home contractors.  The very word ‘contractor’, of course, comes from the Latin root ‘contractus’ which means ’shoddy work’.  I should know: I once worked as a contractor for Bustagrape Masonary.  It is amazing that some of those buildings I worked on are still standing. 

So here are some jokes roughly connected to contracting.

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A contractor walks into his neighborhood bar and says to the bartender, “Hey Joe, you know how I’m always having to get rid of critters when I do crawl jobs?”

The bartender smiles, “You complain about it all the time, Bob.”

“Well, if I show you something really cool, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender considers it, then agrees. The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat.

“Check this out!” he says. “I found him last week while I was fixing Missus Jones’ ductwork.” He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues.

The bartender is amazed, and pours Bob a beer. After Bob finishes his drink, he asks the bartender, “If I show you an even cooler trick, will you give me free beers for the rest of the evening?” The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first.

The contractor reaches into his pocket and pulls out the tiny rat again. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out the tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The contractor reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat’s music.

Number after number, the frog sings his head off. Everyone in the bar is amazed.

While the contractor is enjoying his beers, a stranger walks up to him and offers him $10,000 for the bullfrog. “Sorry,” the contractor replies, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger increases the offer to $25,000 cash up front. “No,” he insists, “he’s not for sale.” The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500,000 cash. The contractor finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money.

“Are you insane?” the bartender demanded. “That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $50,000!”

“Don’t worry about it.” the contractor answered. “The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat’s a ventriloquist.”

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A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out
"GREEN SIDE UP!"
In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.
In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply. "But I have a new crew laying sod across the street."

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A builder was telling his friend about a property they were demolishing.

He said: "We found a skeleton behind a wall with a gold medal round his neck."

His friend asked what was on the medal.

The builder replied: "Hide and Seek Champion, 1991."

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I used to design cul de sacs but I stopped. It was a dead end job.

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A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London, and was in a hurry.
As they went by the Tower of London the cabbie explained what it was and that construction started in 1346 and it was completed in 1412, the Texan replied, "Shoot, a little ol' tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
House of Parliament next - Started construction in 1544, completed 1618

"Hell boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cabby was silent.

"Whoa! What's that over there?"

"Damned if I know,” replied the cabbie, “It wasn't there yesterday..."

And to end on a totally unrelated note:  

Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? 

The ‘p’ is silent

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Churchy JOW #649

I have been doing a fair bit of church stuff, it being the start of Lent and such so I decided to do a church-based theme.  Tom provided me with most of these although the first one is an actual occurrence dating from my youth.

On a separate note, after a hiatus of several years we will once again be hosting the Pinney Crawfish Boil and Beer Drinking Bacchanalia this year.  Ruth will be home on Spring Break in March and so we will conduct the event on the afternoon of Saturday, 16 March.  Feedingt will start around 1400 or so (that is 2:00 PM Glen) and go until we run out of food or beer.  We will be having crawdads, shrimp, brisket, and other informal goodies.  Bring your own beverages.  Since the JOW is distributed to about a hundred people all over the US and overseas I understand that many of you will be unable to attend this event, but let the record show – you have been invited.

Now for the jokes –

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A pastor was talking to some first graders about the story of the young Jesus with the elders in the temple.  He explained how his parents did not know where the twelve year old Jesus was for three whole days until they found him in the temple.

“What do you think they said to him when they finally found him?” asked the pastor.

A six year old girl, stood up to answer.  She put on fist on her hip and shaking her finger exclaimed, “Jesus Christ, where have you been?”

And a related one:

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied: "They couldn't get a baby sitter."

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters, we are in great  difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist.

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Father O'Malley answers the phone. "Hello, is this Father O'Malley?" 

"It is" 

"This is the IRS. Can you help us?" 

"I can" 

"Do you know a Ted Houlihan?"

"I do"

"Is he a member of your congregation?" 

"He is" 

"Did he donate $10,000 to the church?" 

"He will."

………………………………………………………………

There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.

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"Somebody has said there are only two kinds of people in the world. There are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's morning."

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday school lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming."

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

And finally

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

"Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life."

The child thought about this for a moment, then said "So why is the groom wearing black?"