Plagiarized JOW #659

Plagiarism is an ugly word.  I mean that literally.  It just sounds gross. Plagiarism is getting into trouble for something you didn’t do.  As Aristotle once said, ‘Most of us will never have an original thought during our lives.’ What he didn’t say was that he stole this line from Plato.  The modern ease of use of computers systems makes it easy to claim the work of others as your own.  As the recent graduating college student put it: “I’d like to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever invented cut and paste.”  After all, creativity is great but plagiarism is faster. 

I have been asked how I have been able to generate a number of jokes every week for over eleven years.  I do make some of them up.  I also remember a lot; I have a good memory for topical jokes.  Some I pass on from people who email them to me, (thank you very much).  And of course some I steal errr…. that is obtain from the Internet. 

I think this one was from Pat.

One of our Texas neighbors had a breathtakingly beautiful but somewhat naïve daughter of whom he was inordinately protective.  She was not permitted to date until Dad had met the young man and given his approval.  Of course, the approval was somewhat hard to obtain, as suitor after suitor was rejected and the comely maiden despaired of finding a candidate acceptable to Dad.

 She came home one day and told her Father that yet another fellow had asked her out, only to meet the standard demand:  “Who is he and what does he do?” 

Daughter replied that “He is very handsome, he’s from Norway, and he hasn’t decided what to do yet, as he told me he is just out of Yale.”

“A Yalie, eh,” said Dad.  “Finally, there’s a young man it will be a pleasure to meet, even if he is a Yankee.  Invite him over this evening and I’m sure we’ll get along fine.”

The young man shows up as expected, and in response to Dad’s outstretched hand says…

“’Ello, I’m Yim Yohannson.”

Many of us know the Jeff Foxworthy bit about ‘you might be a redneck’.  There is a new series of jokes going around which may or may not be his, but are in that style.

·         If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 

·         If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor, or check out a library book, but not to vote who runs the government, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 

·         If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives twenty F-16 fighter jets to the crazy new leaders in Egypt, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 

·         If, in the nation’s largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 

·         If an 80-year-old woman or a three-year-old girl who is confined to a wheelchair can be strip-searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 

·         If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while NOT working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing, and free cell phones, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by 
idiots. 

·         If the governments plan for getting people back to work is to provide incentives for not working through 99 weeks of unemployment checks without any requirement to prove they even tried to look for a job, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 

·         If you pay your mortgage faithfully, denying yourself the newest big screen TV while your neighbor buys iPhones, wall-sized plasma do-it-all TVs and new cars, and the government forgives his debt when he defaults on his mortgage, you might live in a nation founded by geniuses but run by idiots. 

And this bit is a donation from Tom

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dorothy. And Dot Com was a large powerful woman; indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators."
"YAHOO," said Abraham.
And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that's the truth.
 

Foghoot and Meme JOW #658

This week had National Talk like Shakespeare day, in part because this was the anniversary of his birth and death.  April is a good month for birthdays.  At any rate I had thought to do a Shakespeare-themed JOW but most of the humor about the Bard of Avon is way too esoteric for popular amusement.  While looking around I wound up falling into a ‘rabbit hole’ of feghoots and memes.  I barely escaped with my sanity. 

Here are a few jokes related to the Immortal Bard followed by some examples of low humor.

One blonde asks another blonde,” Have you read Shakespeare?”

“I dunno, who wrote it?”

…………………………..

Here are some actual student bloopers about the Bard of Avon collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

·         He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday.

·         He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays.

·         He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter.

·         Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet.

·         Romeo's last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There are a lot of Shakespearian feghoots - that is stories with awful puns related to well know sayings and quotes at the end; and nobody has more famous quotes than Shakespeare.   Of course you must know the quotation to get the joke.  So you have to know the quotation in ‘Julius Caesar’ about Cassius to get the comment about small cashews “Yon cashews hath a lean and hungry look.”

My favorite Shakespeare feghoot is the sign on the camping goods store: "Now is the discount of our winter tents!".

Here are some more non Shakespeare feghoots

Prof San Holo was busy at his lab. He was experimenting with splicing genetic material from rams into eggs of bees. With global warming, certain species of flowering plants flourish while others perish. The idea was to give bees the ability to digest leaves and grass to make honey and thereby reduce the need to be reliant on nectar and pollen from flowers.

The first splicing was a disaster. The bee digestive system became dysfunctional.

The second attempt disrupted the honey production with lactose contaminant

The bee grew tiny horns in the third!

He then tried DNA from a sheep and Eureka! Yes indeed. It worked because he 

Made the Fourth Bee with Ewe.

=========================

At 4pm, White Pawn Alice made it to the 8th rank. She simultaneously captured the Red Queen, was crowned as a White Queen and checkmated the Red King. This was surely a case of when the Reign is Canceled because of the Game.

-------------------------------------

"I dare you to stay in that haunted mansion at midnight" Timmy challenged Sammy "Ten bucks says you can't"

"I... I'll do it" Sammy stammered

At midnight a trembling Sammy slowly made his way into the courtyard and waited. It was here 20 years ago that an 8 year old child had fallen off her bicycle. She had hit her head on the concrete floor and died.

Thirty slow minutes ticked away. Suddenly, an apparition materialized. It was a ghostly image of a child cycling away in a circle! Sammy took out the camera with his jittery hands and clicked. Oh no! He had forgotten to charge the battery! The flash barely came on. The ghost quickly vanished and Sammy ran out.

Sadly, the photo was severely underexposed and nothing could be seen. It seems that the Spirit is Wheeling but the Flash is Weak.

Finally here are some annoying memes

A meme is an idea, behavior, or style that spreads from person to person within a culture.  Like the commercials with the old bearded guy who is supposed to be interesting.   Maybe he is Chuck Norris’ father or something.

·         “I don’t often drink beer, so you probably shouldn’t value my opinion of it.”

·         “I don’t always scan an important document, but when I do I always leave it, forgotten, on the scanner bed for a week or so.

·         “I don’t always drink cola, but when I do I enjoy Pensacola.”

·         “I don’t always do memes, but when I do it is to entertain my friends.”

Tax Day JOW

            Today is Tax Day, and more importantly, the date that marks the end of my daughter Tiffany’s youth; yes, she is thirty years old now.  However more people are concerned about paying taxes.  We once had a revolution based on ‘no taxation without representation’ but taxation with representation ain’t so hot either.  Actually there is one tax I think we should have: a tax on those who misuse the English language.  I would call it a ‘syn tax’.

Some tax quotes:

 

"Next to being shot at and missed, nothing is really quite as satisfying as an income tax refund."
                           —F.J. Raymond

"There's nothing wrong with the younger generation that becoming taxpayers won't cure." 
                           —Dan Bennett 

“A tax loophole is something that benefits the other guy. If it benefits you, it is tax reform.''
                           —Russell B. Long, former U.S. Senator

"Income tax returns: the most imaginative fiction written today. "
                           —Herman Wouk

“What's the difference between a tax collector and a taxidermist? A taxidermist only takes the skin.”

                              -- Mark Twain

"The present tax code is about 10 times longer than the Bible, a lot more complicated, and, unlike the Bible, contains no good news."
                          —Don Nickles, former U.S. senator

And anonymously

 

“When you look at ‘THE IRS’ it is actually ‘THEIRS’”

"There is nothing more permanent than a temporary tax."

"Optimist: Someone who sets aside two hours to do his income tax return."

“A fine is a tax for doing wrong.  A tax is a fine for doing well.”

Dave Berry had a great idea for reforming the tax code.

“What can we, as citizens, do to reform our tax system? As you know, under our three-branch system of government, the tax laws are created by Satan. But he works through Congress, so that's where we must focus our efforts.

Here's my proposal, which is based on the TV show Survivor: We put the entire Congress on an island. All the food on this island is locked inside a vault, which can be opened only by an ordinary American taxpayer named Bob.

Every day, the congresspersons are given a section of the Tax Code, which they must rewrite so that Bob can understand it. If he can, he lets them eat that day; if he can't, he doesn't.

Or, he can give them food either way. It doesn't matter. The main thing is, we never let them off the island.”

Stephen Willis, author of “Masks, Magic, and Games: the Use of Tax Law as a Policy Tool." wrote some amusing comments about actual verbiage in the tax code.  I am *so glad* I do not have to make my living reading this stuff.

1. Schedule J for Form 1118.
The title to this form, which must be important to someone, reads:

Separate Limitation Loss Allocations and Other Adjustments Necessary to Determine Numerators of Limitation Fractions, Year-End Recharacterization Balances, and Overall Foreign Loss Account Balances

According to IRS estimates, recordkeeping for this form should take approximately 89 hours and 15 minutes, learning about the form should take 1 hour and 5 minutes, and preparing the form should take 2 hours and 15 minutes.
Heck, it took that long to read the title.

Section 509(a).

The flush language to this important section, which defines private foundations, reads:
For purposes of paragraph (3), an organization described in paragraph (2) shall be deemed to include an organization described in section 501(c)(4), (5), or (6) which would be described in paragraph (2) if it were an organization described in section 501(c)(3).
President Reagan included this sentence in his speeches as as example of the Code being undecipherable. During his and subsequent administrations, we've seen 121 tax bills pass Congress. At least a dozen involved "simplification." However, the above sentence remains.
I guess they spent their time on the really complicated stuff.

Mother-in-law rule.

Frequently in tax law, the behavior of one person affects the tax consequences of family members. we are our "brother's keepers" so to speak.
For purposes of section 4946 - dealing with private foundations - a person's family includes:
his spouse, ancestors, children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and the spouses of children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
That means you are a member of your mother-in-law's family, but she is not a member of your family. Sound OK? It also means that what she does taints you, but what you do cannot affect her!

Luxury Automobiles.

We hear alot about how the tax system should tax the rich more than others. People should pay according to their ability to pay. Appropriately then, section 280F limits depreciation on "luxury" automobiles. That sounds fair, until you learn that, pursuant to section 280F(a)(1)(A)(iii),
a "luxury automobile" is one costing over $12,760.41.
Where did the 41 cents come from?

Charitable Contributions.

Section 170 allows deductions for charitable contributions. Computing the amounts can be difficult stuff. Luckily, the Treasury Department issues regulations helping to explain the Code, which is sometimes difficult to read.
Thank goodness for the fellow who helped draft Treasury Regulation section 1.170A-12(e)(2) to explain the "special factor" used for "the valuation of a remainder interest following two lives":

And finally, Mr. Willis closed with this”

An unorthodox, but to the point summary of my message is that these many games we play amount to a form of tax masturbation: sure they can be fun and exciting - even seductive - but, ultimately, are we not just abusing ourselves?