My wife asked me a question last night. “Why are there so many shows on TV like JAGS,
and NCIS that highlight the Navy but so few shows that deal with the other
services? There was MASH a few years
back but they always portrayed the regular Army as a bunch of bumbling
screw-ups.”
“Well,” I replied, “it must be that people in the navy
are just more interesting and, of course, better looking than those in the
other services.
“Yes,” Commander Ruth agreed, nodding her head in agreement. “That must be it. At least they have that part realistic.”
“Yes,” Commander Ruth agreed, nodding her head in agreement. “That must be it. At least they have that part realistic.”
With those wise words ringing in my ears, I thought to
provide you with some good old military-themed jokes.
```````````````````````````````
The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker
amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. As I have
mentioned before, just take the simple phrase “secure the building”.
The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.
The Army will post guards around the place.
The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option
to buy.
The Marines will assault the building and kill everybody
inside.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the recruits stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval
Air Station, the Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”
As the rest of the squad wandered away, one man remained
at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and
then just raised a single eyebrow.
He smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
A Sergeant addressed a squad of 25: "I have a nice
easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the
laziest."
Twenty four men raised their hands. The sergeant asked the other man "why
didn't you raise your hand?"
The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand,
Sarge."
############
At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had
been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical
fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone
else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are
extremely interested in how fast we can run?”
Here is another grim joke on notifying next of kin.
The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a
telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send
him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up
all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant.
“Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report
to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool
for maintenance. Except you Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”
Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his
office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother
died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”
“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the
Captain called the Sergeant in again with,
“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s
mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be
more tactful.”
So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok,
men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward.
NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”
==================
Q: What's it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?
A: Bestiality.
………………………………
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security,
super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late
one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a
Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the
aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was
that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was
about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on
the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day,
they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy.
They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying
"you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending
the rest of his life in prison, gave him a heading to Vegas, and sent him on
his way. The day after that to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same
Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this
time there were two people in the plane.
The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you
want to me, but my wife is in the plane.
You have to tell her where I was last night!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
And finally something off topic.
Some years ago a successful lawyer flew from Houston to
Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the big, and had nothing left but a
quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was
somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered to pay him by credit card (which they did not accept back then), his driver’s license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the lawyer was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the lawyer, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but the obnoxious cabbie who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The lawyer thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The lawyer leans into the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The lawyer went to each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The lawyer said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the lawyer gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered to pay him by credit card (which they did not accept back then), his driver’s license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the lawyer was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the lawyer, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but the obnoxious cabbie who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The lawyer thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The lawyer leans into the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The lawyer went to each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The lawyer said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the lawyer gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.
