Hip Hipster JOW #767

People who live in urban areas may have run into hipsters – (mostly) young people who are oh so cool, detached, retro.  They are sort of Twenty First Century beatniks.  And yes, they are imminently mockable. 

Hipsters do things like bring (and use) a portable typewriter at Starbucks.  Or plug their ear buds into an old 45 record player – also at Starbucks.  They take selfies using film cameras.  Texas hipsters sometimes do carry guns but they are from some obscure firearms manufacturer you probably haven’t heard of. 

So here is some hipster humor including a knock knock joke, ‘walk into a bar jokes’,  riddles, along with some other random jokes I like.

--Knock knock.
--Who's there?
--Hipster.
--Hipster who?
--Yeah, I didn't think you would have heard of me. I'm pretty obscure.

Hipster Riddles

Q: Why do hipsters love ice?

A: Because ice was water before it was cool.

Q. Who was the first hipster?

A. You’ve probably never heard of him.

Q. Have you heard the new hipster joke?

A. Yeah, I have it on vinyl

Q. How did the hipster burn his tongue?

A. He sipped his coffee before it was cool.

Q. How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?

A. Dude, the light bulb was cooler before it changed.

Q. How many hipsters did it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A. You don't know?

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If a tree falls in the wilderness and no one hears it, will a hipster buy the soundtrack?

Hipsters hate rivers – too mainstream

So a hipster walks into a bar - you've probably never heard of it.

Two hipsters walk into a bar.  One did it before it was cool and the other did it ironically.

Actually hipster jokes themselves are now just too mainstream.

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What hipsters say                              What hipsters mean

-I have issues                                       I don’t and wish I was more mysterious

-Check out this song                            I know lots of bands you’ve never heard of

-Is this vegan?                                     I am a person of strong convictions and weak bowel movements                                                                                       

-I’m near sighted                                I found these perfect Urkel glasses and I couldn’t resist

-I like your jeans                                 I don’t like your jeans

-Your neighborhood was                     If my parents knew how often I get mugged they would

cool, before it was gentrified               stop paying my rent

-Do you have any beer                        Do you have a can of Pabst?  Can you take a picture of me

                                                            drinking it?                                 

-I got this at Goodwill for $2.              I got this at American Apparel for $99.95

-I don’t have a TV                                I think I am better than you.

-I don’t know any Republicans            I think I am better than you.

-Cars are hurt the environment         I am too poor for a car, and I still think I am better than you.

-I don’t believe in labels                     I do – mine is ‘hipster’

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Non hip jokes.

I was in Costco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, ''Are you two an item?''

I had dinner with a chess grand master the other night and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, now it’s a Ford Focus.

Helen Keller walks into a bar, then a table, then a chair.

I saved a bunch of money on car insurance by switching to reverse and leaving the scene.  But before I did Ieft a note on windshield of the parked car I hit.  It read “I am sorry I backed into your car.  A lot of people saw me do it.  They think I am leaving you my insurance information.  I am not.”

A question for vegetarians – If you are trying to save the animals, why are you eating their food?

And finally

Marvin, was in the hospital on his death bed. The family called Marvin’s Preacher to be with him in his final moments. As the Preacher stood by the bed, Marvin’s condition seemed to deteriorate, and Marvin motioned for someone to quickly pass him a pen and paper. The Preacher quickly got a pen and paper and lovingly handed it to Marvin. But before he had a chance to read the note, Marvin died. The Preacher feeling that now wasn’t the right time to read it put the note in his jacket pocket. It was at the funeral while speaking that the Preacher suddenly remembered the note. Reaching deep into his pocket the Preacher said “and you know what, I suddenly remembered that right before Marvin died he handed me a note, and knowing Marvin I’m sure it was something inspiring. With that introduction the Preacher ripped out the note and opened it.

The note said “YOU ARE STANDING ON MY OXYGEN TUBE!”

Rainy Daze JOW #766

It has been raining a lot in Texas lately.  They say that all the rain that fell on Texas this month could flood the area of the entire state to a depth of eight inches. Naturally Houston felt compelled to better that.  Even my little rain gauge indicated we got about a foot of rain in a week.  Of course, The Woodlands is a planned community with good drainage so other than some mud, there were no real problems.  Excess water here is contained and diverted to areas like parks, golf courses, green belts, and wide irrigation ditches. On the other hand Houston is flat and cut through with bayous (Houston’s Nickname is The Bayou City and New Orleans is The Big Easy.  Seems like they ought to switch nicknames.)  Houston also the largest city in the US with no zoning laws.  The results are predictable - Houston is also the most flooded major city in the US. 

                That has nothing to do with my jokes this week.  We saw Tomorrowland and I am still on a scientific kick.

Scientists might be smart but they not necessarily good with pickup lines.

·         Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I am around you.

·         If I were an Enzyme, I'd be DNA HELICASE so I could unzip your genes!

·         Even if there were no gravity on Earth, I'd still fall for you.

·         You're more special than relativity.

·         Like the ideal vacuum, you're the only thing in my universe.

Some scientific riddles:

What happens when two tectonic plates bump into each other?
One says, “Sorry. My fault.”

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?
To get to the same side

Where does bad light land?
In Prism.

What is the fastest way to determine the sex of a chromosome?
Pull down its genes.

What do you call Iron blowing in the wind?
Febreeze.

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Think about it; Biology is the only science in which multiplication is the same thing as division.

_____________

A photon checks into a hotel.
The bellhop asks, "Can I help you with your luggage?"
It replies, "I don't have any. I'm traveling light."

A quote from Einstein that I like:

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."

Science Puns

·         Ratio of an igloo’s circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi

·         2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton

·         1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope

·         Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond

·         2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League

·         Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong

·         16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling

·         Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon

·         1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz

·         Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower

·         Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line

·         453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake

·         1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone

·         2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles

·         365.25 days = 1 unicycle

·         2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds

·         52 cards = 1 decacards

·         1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton

·         1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen

·         1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche

·         1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin

·         10 rations = 1 decoration

·         2 monograms = 1 diagram

·         4 nickels = 2 paradigm

·         A geologist's favorite saying: "Igneous is bliss, but being sedimentary is not gneiss."

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Random science-like thoughts

1. I’m reading a great book on anti-gravity. I can’t put it down.

2. I have a new theory on inertia but it doesn’t seem to be gaining momentum.

3. Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations? Because they don’t believe in higher powers.

4. Schrodinger’s cat walks into a bar. And doesn’t.

5. Do you know the name Pavlov? It rings a bell.

6. A group of protesters in front of a physics lab:
     “What do we want?”.
    “Time travel”
    “When do we want it?”.
    “Irrelevant.”

7.Physics Activist:
    There has been too much action in reaction to political scandals.
    Please write to your congressman to repeal Newton's third law.

8. What does a subatomic duck say? Quark!

And finally, a new statistical break through:  Bread Kills!
1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
2. Fully half of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
3. Every piece of bread you eat brings you nearer to death.
4. Bread is associated with all the major diseases of the body. For example, nearly all sick people have eaten bread.
The effects are obviously cumulative:
- 99.9% of all people who die from cancer have eaten bread.
- 99.7% of the people involved in air and auto accidents ate bread within 6 months preceding the accident.
- 93.1% of juvenile delinquents came from homes where bread is served frequently.
5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as a teaspoon of dough can be used to suffocate a lab rat. The average American eats more bread than that in one day!
6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a
low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.
7. Bread is often a "gateway" food item, leading the user to "harder" items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cold cuts.
In light of these frightening statistics, I propose the following bread restrictions:
1. No sale of bread to minors.
2. A nationwide "Just Say No To Toast" campaign, complete with celebrity TV spots and bumper stickers.
3. A 300 percent federal tax on all bread to pay for all the societal ills we might associate with bread.
4. The establishment of "Bread-free" zones around schools.
5. Pass a law to limit all use of bread to two slices.

Chemistry JOW #765

I like chemistry jokes – periodically.  I do remember geeking out back in high school chemistry, which I admit is the only training I ever got in chemistry.   But they do provide some goofy humor.  So here are some bad chemistry jokes because all the good ones Argon.

A Handy Guide to Modern Science:

If it's green or it wiggles, it's biology

If it doesn't work, it's physics

If it stinks, it's chemistry

The doctor tells a woman that she has only six months to live. He advises her to marry a chemist and move to Toledo.
The woman asks, "Will this cure my illness?"
"No," replies the doctor, "but it will make six months seem like a very long time."

……………………………………….

The optimist sees the glass half full.
The pessimist sees the glass half empty.
The chemist see the glass completely full, half in the liquid state and half in the vapor state.

David Letterman's Top Ten Reasons Why Network News Producers Do Not Give Science More Air time:

Number Ten: They are unable to locate file footage of the Big Bang.
Number Nine: They think that high-temperature superconductors are too hot to handle.
Number Eight: El Niño is covered by the weather department.
Number Seven: They already did the O.J. DNA story.
Number Six: They are unable to find information about semiconductors in the music section of the library.
Number Five: They are afraid of reporting on dark matter because they think it is contagious.
Number Four: They are waiting for cold fusion.
Number Three: They think that the greatest scientific achievement is Tang.
Number Two: They wouldn't know the superconducting supercollider from a hole in the ground.
And the number one reason why network news producers do not give science more air time: Scientists are from Mars . . . Journalists from Venus

Chemical one liners

Why are chemists so great at solving problems? Answer: Because they have all the solutions.

Chemist claim that if you are not part of the solution you are part of the precipitate

Old chemistry teachers never die, they just fail to react.

Does a radioactive cat have 18 half-lives?

Why did the hipster chemist get burned?  He touched his beaker before it was cool.

Where does bad light end up?  In prism

Why does a hamburger have less energy than a steak?  It is in its ground state.

What do you call a well-educated glass tube?  A graduated cylinder

Why are chemists great for solving problems? They have all the solutions.

Remember all the jokes you made up when you were studying the periodic tables in high school?  Me either.

·         Silver walks up to Gold in a bar and says, "AU, get outta here!"

·         What fruit contains Barium and double Sodium? BaNaNa!

·         Teen 1: Did you hear oxygen and magnesium got together?? Teen 2: OMg!

·         Dogs are made up of calcium, nickel and neon (CaNiNe)

·         If Fe is the symbol for iron and man is male the Iron Man must be Female

·         Want to hear a joke about Nitric Oxide?  NO

·         What is the show cesium and iodine love watching together?  CSI

·         What do you call a periodic table with gold missing? "Au revoir"

A neutrino walks into a bar...but he was just passing through.

A small piece of ice which lived in a test tube fell in love with a Bunsen burner.
"Bunsen, my flame! I melt whenever I see you!" said the ice.
The Bunsen burner replied, "It's just a phase you're going through."

Q: If a mole of moles were digging a mole of holes, what would you see? ?
A: A mole of molasses.

Q: If H-two-O is the formula for water, what is the formula for ice?
A: H-two-O-CUBED

Q: What is the chemical formula for the molecules in candy?
A: Carbon-Holmium-Cobalt-Lanthanum-Tellurium or CHoCoLaTe

Q: What is the name of the molecule CH2O?
A: Seawater

Q: What do you call a joke that is based on cobalt, radon, and yttrium?
A: CoRnY.

Q: Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
A: They're cheaper than day rates.

Q: How did the English major define microtome on his biology exam?
A: An itsy bitsy book.
Q: Anyone know any jokes about sodium?
A: Na

How does the failing chemistry student answer this exam question: "H2O is the formula for water. What is H2O4?"
"Washing, Cleaning and Drinking"

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Why do chemists like nitrates so much?
They're cheaper than day rates!

A chemical poem
Susan was in chemistry. Susan is no more, for what she thought was H2O was H2SO4.

Top Reasons to be a Chemistry Student

All the coffee you could want

Cool safety glasses

Exposure to all kinds of toxic and cancerous substances

Because it's pHun!

Access to 100% ethanol

Learn to completely dissolve the bodies of your enemies

Always have plans for Friday night: Work in lab

Desire to be blamed for all faults in the environment and causes of cancer

Become a master chef at poverty cuisine

The Question of 2+2
Several scholars were asked "What is 2+2?"

The engineer whips out his calculator and answers "3.99999."
The physicist pulls out some technical references, models the problem on the computer and proudly announces "The answer is between 3.98 and 4.02."
The statistician replied "I need more data points."
The philosopher replies "What is the meaning of 2?"
The psychologist replies "How does 2+2 make you feel?"
The medical student replies "4."
The others look at him and ask, "How do you know?"
He replies, "I memorized it."

The last words of a chemist?
"... and now for the taste test."

Why don't we take all these chemistry jokes and barium?