Ketchup JOW #791

I am back from my sailing adventure and ready to resume my JOW duties.  I tend to remember jokes by subject.  Once I have a theme the jokes come relatively easily.  I was casting about for a theme for this week that does not involve the holidays when my sister suggested (for some reason) to use ketchup as a theme.

I am not even sure of the correct spelling, and that matters.  For example, the old ‘knock knock’ joke:

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

Catsup.

Catsup who?

Catsup a tree!
See, it doesn’t really work if you spell the condiment with a K. 

So I started doing research.  I found out a lot about ketchup.  Henry J. Heinz began making ketchup in 1876. His recipe remains the same to this day. It became so popular that other manufacturers rushed to catch up to the ketchup craze. (Catchup to catsup might have been the slogan of the day.) Soon Ketchup, Catsup, Catchup, Ketsup, Catsip, Cotsup, Kotchup, Kitsip, Catsoup, Katshoup, Katsock, cackchop, Cornchop, Cotpock, Kotpock, Kutpuck, Kutchpack and Catchpuck were all available for sale. All were tomato-based and vied to become a household. Only three major brands survived: Heinz Ketchup, DelMonte Catsup and Hunt’s, who could not make up their mind and bottled under the names Hunt’s Catsup (east of the Mississippi), Hunt’s Ketchup (west of that same river) and Hunt’s Cornchops (in Iowa only).  Heinz originally referred to their product as catsup, but switched to ketchup in the 1880s to stand out. Eventually, ketchup became the standard spelling in the industry and among consumers, though you can still find catsup strongholds sprinkled across the U.S.

In doing the research I also discovered the following factoids:

Official veggie and official fruit. The tomato serves as both the official state vegetable and the official state fruit of Arkansas, in honor of the South Arkansas Vine Ripe Pink Tomato, sometimes known as “Bradley Pink.”

Official state beverage. Tomato juice is the official state beverage of Ohio.

Having solved the ‘ketchup’ spelling problem I tried finding something funny about this red condiment.  I have to confess that I keep the ketchup in the fridge, though from now on I’m going to keep in the bottle. Less messy.

I wonder - if a tomato is a fruit, is ketchup a jam? Actually if you think about it, ketchup is a tomato smoothie

And never forget
“Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.”

Some Grade School topical jokes:

Q: Why Did The Tomato Blush? A: Because he saw the salad dressing

Q: Why did Mrs. Tomato turn red? A: She saw Mr. Green Pea !

This joke was famously told in Pulp Fiction by Uma Thurman who warned John Travolta that the joke is not really very funny

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

And finally, because I have started writing again I have some grammar jokes

What do you call Santa’s Elves?

Subordinate Clauses

Some grammatical ‘walks into a bar’ jokes.

·         A question mark walks into a bar?

·         Two quotation marks “walk into” a bar.

·         A gerund and in infinitive walk into a bar drinking to drink

·         The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

·         Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar.  They sit.  They drink.  They leave.

·         The past, present, and future all walked into a bar.  It was tense.

·         A coma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves

·         A dangling modifier walks into a bar.  After finishing a drink, the bartender asks it to leave.

Since I just got back from sailing I remember this old pirate grammar joke

Crew: “We be ready for sea, Captain.”

Grammatically Correct Captain: “Are!”

Or the sign “This door is alarmed” 

Which quickly had two hand written notes added – ‘The window is startled’ and “The floor is taken aback.”

You know if women had apostrophes instead of periods they would probably me more possessive but prone to contractions.

A Dad Grammar joke:

Kid: What does this mean?

Dad: Why the meaning of ‘this’ is: it’s a pronoun.

I know, some of you think I am a geek.  But ‘geeks’ tend to super-passionate about their hobbies while ‘nerds’ are more academically inclined.  Of course, people who know the difference between those two are usually referred to as ‘dorks’.

Underway JOW #780

Before I regale you with my weekly bits of humor I have a couple of small notes:

First, as I have mentioned before, the third book in the Chronicles of Athan, ‘The New King’ is and available for purchase.  For those in the greater Houston area I can provide autographed copies at a significant discount.  There is also a special offering for those of you who like to read your books electronically.  If you are willing to write a (hopefully positive) review of The Old King I will forward you a code which will enable you to receive an electronic version of the book absolutely free!  Just reply to this address and say ‘yes, I will review your book.  Now gimme a free electronic copy.’  What could be easier?

Second, I will probably not be able to send out a JOW for a the next couple of weeks as I will be helping my friend –and your fellow JOW sufferer – Tor Pinney sail Silverheels from Green Cove Springs Florida to the Bahamas.  What with wind and sea conditions I am not sure where and when I will be for the next week or two, however, internet coverage in the Bermuda Triangle is notoriously spotty.  If you care to follow our adventures you can access Tor’s webpage - http://www.tor.cc/.  Tor has one of the best web pages I have ever visited.  I recommend you check it out, especially the link to Silverheels which will include a link to his logblog.

I used to sail a lot in my youth.  I told my Father that I when I grew up all I wanted to be was a sailor.

To which he replied, “Son, you have to do one or the other.”

The major difference between sailors and powerboaters is that powerboaters are always on their way somewhere;

Sailors, on the other hand, are always right where they want to be.

A sailing limerick

There once was a young man named Jay,
Who thought he'd try sailing the Bay.
The wind, it did blow, for just half a day.
So young Jay is still out there today.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A reporter was interviewing a Tugboat Captain who was celebrating his 82nd birthday. He was the oldest captain on the river. At the end of the interview the reporter said, "I would love to come back and see you again when you reach 90.

The captain said, " Don't see why not. You look healthy enough to make it.

 +++++++++++

Here are some sailing definitions

A guy who crosses the ocean twice without a shower is a dirty double crosser.

A sailor eating alphabet soup found the seven C's.

A sailor has ties to home but is knot there often.

Boom	Called boom for the sound that's made when it hits crew in the head on its way across the boat. For slow crew, it's called "boom, boom."
Bottom Paint	What you get when the cockpit seats are freshly painted.
Bow	A physical act performed to acknowledge those who are applauding your fine sailing skills.
Bulkhead	Discomfort suffered by sailors who drink too much.
Calm	Sea condition characterized by the simultaneous disappearance of the wind and the last cold beverage.
Chart	A type of map that tells you exactly where you are aground.
Clew	An indication from the skipper as to what he might do next.
Course	The direction in which a skipper wishes to steer his boat and from which the wind is blowing.
Cruising	Fixing your boat in exotic locations.
Cruising	Long periods of tedious boredom interspersed with moments of sheer terror!
Current	Tidal flow that carries a boat away from its desire destination, or towards a hazard.
Deck	A complete set of playing cards.
Dinghy	The sound of the ship's bell.
Flashlight	Tubular metal container used on shipboard for storing dead batteries prior to their disposal.
Fluke	The portion of an anchor that digs securely into the bottom, holding the boat in place; also, any occasion when this occurs on the first try.
Freeboard	Food and liquor supplied by the owner.
Head up	Leaving the boat toilet seat up. When boat skipper is female, leaving the head up is a serious offense.
Iron jib	Slang for engine. An engine thrown overboard for failure to start in a critical situation is known as a cast iron jib.
Jack Lines	"Hey baby, want to go sailing?"
Landlubber	Anyone on board who wishes he were not.
Maroon	Results of a red and a blue boat colliding.
Motor Sailer	A sailboat that alternates between sail/rigging problems and engine problems.
Noserly	What to call the wind direction when it comes from where you're going
Quarter berth	A bunk tucked up under the cockpit seats, usually near the navigators table and usually reserved for him or her, so that she can be the first into the life raft should a decision on her part bring the boat to an untimely end.
Ram	An intricate docking maneuver sometimes used by experienced skippers.
Rouge wave	Huge unexpected wave that grows in size each time you tell the story.
Rudder	More discourteous. Bob was rude, but George was even rudder.
Sailboat race	Two sailboats going in the same direction.
Sailing	The fine art of getting wet and becoming ill, while going nowhere slowly at great expense.
Sailing directions	Just like cooking directions except that it is usually a lot harder to eat your mistakes.
Starboard	A dull motion picture produced by George Lucas.
Steerageway	If a boat is moving through the water fast enough so that it will respond to pressure from the rudder, this is called steerageway. If the boat has no steerageway and is simply drifting with the wind or tide, this is called a potential insurance claim.
Stern	A facial expression frequently seen on the faces of very serious skippers.
Successful cruise	Returning to the dock with the same number of people you left with.
Swell	A wave that's just great.
Zephyr	Warm, pleasant breeze. Named after the mythical Greek god of wishful thinking, false hopes, and unreliable forecasts.

You might be a sailing bum if:

·         You think a Rhodes Scholar is someone who knows all about a famous boat designer.

·         You think girls look "hot" in foul weather gear.

·         You rather like wet underwear.

·         Your best shoes are Topsiders.

·         Your idol is Jimmy Buffett.

·         Your halyards are brand new, but your belt has two splices.

·         You've ever traded a Dramamine for a beer.

·         You have to dress up to go to Wal-Mart.

·         You've ever written your resume on a bar napkin.

·         You think Roe vs. Wade deals with boat ownership.

And finally this old salty joke.

A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns recounting their adventures at sea. Noting the pirate's peg-leg, hook, and eye patch the sailor asks "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"
The pirate replies "We was caught in a monster storm off the cape and a giant wave swept me overboard. Just as they were pullin' me out, a school of sharks appeared and one of 'em bit me leg off".
"Blimey!" said the sailor. "What about the hook"?
"Ahhhh...", mused the pirate, "We were boardin' a trader ship, pistols blastin' and swords swingin' this way and that. In the fracas me hand got chopped off."
"Zounds!" remarked the sailor. "And how came ye by the eye patch"?
"A seagull droppin' fell into me eye", answered the pirate.
"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?" the sailor asked incredulously.
"Well..." said the pirate, "..it was me first day with the hook."