Old Year Drinking JOW #897

This a time when you are supposed to set goals and resolutions for the coming year.  I'm actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything at all this year.   
I’m sure there have been times in 2017, when I have annoyed you, disturbed you, and just generally irritated you....I probably will continue to do that in 2018, too.   In that spirit here are some jokes and observations about New Year’s, alcohol, and getting older.

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On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

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·         Youth is When You're Allowed to Stay Up For New Year’s Middle age is when you're forced to. 

·         What's a Digital Camera's New Year’s Resolution? 1080p

·         I just heard that in 2018 there will be a new device that can turn thoughts into speech. I have had that for years, it's called alcohol.

A Senator in the USA was once asked about his attitude toward whisky.

'If you mean the demon drink that poisons the mind, pollutes the body, desecrates family life, and inflames sinners, then I'm against it.  But if you mean the elixir of a New Year toast, the shield against winter chill, the taxable potion that puts needed funds into public coffers to comfort little crippled children, then I'm for it.  This is my position, and I will not compromise.'

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The average age of people living a military retirement community is 85. Recently, a neighbor turned 100, and a big birthday party was thrown. Even the old man’s son turned up.

“How old is your son?” a tenant asked.

“He’s 79 years old,” he answered.

The tenant shook her head. “They sure grow up fast, don’t they?”

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When an old soldier came to the clinic for an MRI, he was put into the machine by an attractive, young technician.  When the examination was over, he was helped out of the machine by a far older woman. The soldier remarked, “How long was I in there?”

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After trick-or-treating, a teen took a shortcut home through the cemetery. Halfway across, he was startled by a tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, he spotted an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at a headstone.

“I thought you were a ghost,” says the relieved teen. “What are you doing working so late?”

“Oh, those idiots,” grumbles the old man. “They misspelled my name!”

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“What’s a hipster?” asked the seven-year-old.

“Someone who will wear something just to look different,” her mother explained. “They’ll often buy clothes in thrift shops and wear thick glasses.”

“Is Grandma a hipster?” he asked.

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Seeing her friend Sally wearing a new locket, Meg asks if there is a memento of some sort inside.

“Yes,” says Sally, “a lock of my husband’s hair.”

“But Larry’s still alive.”

“I know, but his hair is gone.”

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While the old couple were making their funeral arrangements, the cemetery salesman pointed out a plot that he thought they would like. “You’ll have a beautiful view of the pond,” he assured them.

The old man wasn’t sold: “Unless you’re including a periscope with my casket, I don’t know how I’m going to enjoy it.”
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A woman of a certain age walked into a bar; the bartender asks for ID.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” she said. “I’m almost 40 years old.”

The bartender apologized. The lady showed her ID, and had a drink.  When she paid she told the bartender to keep the change. “The tip’s for carding me,” she said.

The bartender put the change in the tip cup. “Thanks,” he said. “Works every time.”

Bill sent me a couple more that I will share.

The king wanted to go fishing, and he asked the royal weather forecaster the forecast for the next few hours.  The palace meteorologist assured him that there was no chance of rain.

 So the king and the queen went fishing.  On the way he met a man with a fishing pole riding on a donkey, and he asked the man if the fish were biting.

 The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace!  In just a short time I expect a huge rain storm."

 The king replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard.  He is an educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages.  He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him."

So the king continued on his way. However, in a short time a torrential rain fell from the sky.  The King and Queen were totally soaked.

 Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the meteorologist.  Then he summoned the fisherman and offered him the prestigious position of royal forecaster.

 The fisherman said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting.  I obtain my information from my donkey.  If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

 So the king hired the donkey.

 And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.

And finally

I have this fine old bull, but lately he is not doing his share – some of my cows did not have calves this year.
Anyhow, I had the vet come and have a look at him.
He said the bull was still healthy enough, and he gave me some pills to feed him every day.
The bull started to service the cows again within two days - all of them!  He was bouncing around the field like a youngster.
I don't know what was in the pills the vet gave him. But they kind of taste like peppermint.

Holiday Week JOW #896

We are just back from our little Christmas Vacation in historic Colonial Williamsburg, so my JOW is a bit late.  The week between Christmas and New Year’s is typically a non-productive time where working people don’t get much done – much like every week for retirees.  With New Year’s Eve coming upon us my thoughts turn to celebrations.  It’s too bad that brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Remember, there are some people whose job is just to make everyone feel better.  Those people are bartenders.

My jokes started with booze, then inexorably drifted into some Irish jokes.  Have a Merry New Year.

An obnoxious drunk stumbles into the front door of a bar and orders a drink, the bartender says, "No way, buddy, you're too drunk." A few minutes later, the drunk comes in though the bathroom.

Again he slurs, "Give me a drink," and the bartender says, "No, man, I told you last time, you're too drunk"

Five minutes later the guy comes in though the back door and orders a drink, again the bartender says, "You're too drunk" The drunk scratches his head and says "Dang, I must be. The last two places said the same thing."

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Boy: "I love you so much, I could never live without you."

Girl: "Is that you or the beer talking?"

Boy: "It's me talking to the beer."

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I'm a wine enthusiast. The more wine I drink, the more enthusiastic I get.

An Irish father’s reminisces

Ah, I remember the time I took me son out for his first pint.  Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness.  He didn't like it, so I drank it. 
Then I got him a Kilkenny's.  He didn't like that either, so I drank it.  Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?  He didn't.  I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whisky better than beer so we tried a Jameson's.  Nope! 
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest whisky.  He wouldn't even smell it.  What could I do but drink it?!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so tipsy I could hardly push his stroller back home.
 This was one of my father’s favorite jokes:

Little Johnny's Chemistry teacher wanted to teach his class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he set up an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms. "Now, class. Observe what happens to the two the worms," said the professor putting the first worm in the glass of water. The worm in the water moved about, twisting and seemingly unharmed. He then dropped the second worm in the whiskey glass. It spasmed for a moment, then quickly sank to the bottom and died. "Now kids, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?" he asked. Little Johnny raised his hand and wisely responded, "Drink whiskey and you won't get worms!"

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Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another.  A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road.  Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.
Cop says "For God's sake Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

Irish Confession
Tom went into the confessional box after many years of being away from the Catholic Church.
Inside he found a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap.  On one wall, there was a row of decanters with fine Irish whiskey and Waterford crystal glasses.  On the other wall was a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates.
When the priest came in, Tom said to him, "Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
He replied, "You, moron!  You're on my side of the box.” 

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O’Reilly went to trial for armed robbery.  The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.
“That's grand!” shouted O’Reilly.  “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

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Mick goes to the vet with his goldfish.  "I think it's got epilepsy", he tells the vet. 
Vet takes a look and says, "It seems calm enough to me"
Mick says, "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

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Three Irish women are discussing their teenage daughters. The first declares: “I was so shocked last week. I was tidying my daughter’s room and I found a packet of cigarettes under her pillow. I didn’t even know that she smoked!”

“It gets worse than that,” says the second mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and I found a bottle of vodka under her bed. I didn’t even know that she drank!”

“Oh, it gets even worse than that,” says the third mother. “I was tidying my daughter’s room last week and you’ll never guess what I found in her bedside cabinet: a packet of condoms! I didn’t even know that she had a penis!”

Smart Christmas JOW #895

First and foremost I wish each and every one of you a Merry Christmas.  Ruth and I will be spending the Christmas vacation in Colonial Williamsburg in Virginia.  It may not have snow, but at least it will be cold.

As a Christmas gift here are some smart jokes – that is, jokes about smart people.  ‘Egghead’ jokes about people who are too smart for the real world are very old.  I know a couple attributed to the Greeks that are at least 2500 years old.  The TV show Big Bang Theory is a series of skits roughly based on this theme of the absentminded professor.  Here are a few bits along those lines.

I will start with a very old Greek joke which is funny- funny odd. 

A Greek philosopher and his household had taken ship together.  The ship was caught in a terrible storm and all feared for their lives. 

“I don’t know why my slaves are afraid of us all drowning,” said the philosopher.  “I made provisions in my will that if I die they will be freed.”

The Great Albert Einstein Stories - Note: some of these are probably apocryphal, but he was said to be sweetly absentminded.

 
(1) One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein's driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. So Einstein told the driver that at the next stop on the tour to switch places, with Einstein sitting at the back in the driver's uniform. Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. "Well, the answer to that question is quite simple," he casually replied. "I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!"

(2) Albert Einstein's wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. "Why should I?" he would invariably argue. "Everyone knows me there." When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. "Why should I?" said Einstein. "No one knows me there!"

(3) Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour," he once declared. "Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That's relativity!"

(4) When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognize him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein's home.

The driver said "Who does not know Einstein's address? Everyone in Princeton knows.  Do you want to meet him?.

Einstein replied "I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? "The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.

(5) Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn't find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn't there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn't find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn't find it. The conductor said, 'Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I'm sure you bought a ticket. Don't worry about it.' Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket. The conductor rushed back and said, 'Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don't worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don't need a ticket. I'm sure you bought one.' Einstein looked at him and said, 'Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don't know is where I'm going.'

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An absent-minded husband thought he had conquered his problem of trying to remember his wife's birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided that florist with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife on these dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day, some bouquets later, when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where'd you get them?"

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Once an old British professor was on a travelling by train. As fate should have, he was in the last compartment.  Now the problem was, whenever the train stopped at a station his compartment would never be on the platform.  It was a local train and anytime the poor guy wanted to get something to eat or drink he had to struggle to get over to the platform. By the time he reached his destination, he was really irritated.  He went straight to the station master`s office to lodge a complaint.

This is what he wrote.
"Please see to it that there is no last compartment in any train. If you still insist on having a last compartment, please put it somewhere in the middle".

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The absent-minded professor just came back home from a business trip, looking tired. His wife asked him: "Dear, you look awful, how was your trip?"
"Very bad. I got a rear-facing seat on the train, which made me very uncomfortable."
"Why didn't you ask the man opposite for a switch? "
"I wish I could have. But nobody was seating on that seat."