Rabbanical JOW #1276

My JOW this week focuses on rabbis.  I have done lots of jokes about other religious leaders, but I do enjoy Jewish humor, so it was easy to remember a lot of jokes about rabbis and leaders of other faiths.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

What do you call a Rabbi who is a chemist and who often says mean, biting things?

An Acidic Jew.

 

Four religious truths

Muslims do not recognize Jews as God’s chosen people

Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah

Protestants do not recognize the pope as the leader of the Christian world

Baptists do not recognize each other at Hooters.

 

A Hindu, a Rabbi, and a Jehovah's Witness are lost.  They wander across a farmstead and ask to spend the night.
"I only have room for two, so one of you will have to stay in the barn," says the Farm Owner.
The Hindu immediately volunteers, insisting it's no problem. However, a few minutes later, he knocks on the front door.
"I'm sorry, but there is a cow in the barn, and they are sacred to me."
"No problem," says the Rabbi, and he goes to the barn. Again though, he returns and knocks. "There is also a pig in there, and that is against our teachings."
"I will go then, friends," says the Jehovah's Witness, and he proceeds to the barn.

A few moments later, there is a knock at the door. It's the cow and the pig.

 

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar:

They are watching a fight on tv and one of the boxers gets down on a knee and signals a cross across his body.
The rabbi asks the priest “hey what does that mean”
“When he does the cross across his body what does that mean”
The priest says “it don’t mean a damn thing if he can’t fight.”

 

A priest and a rabbi are having lunch:

They have been friends for years, talking about their lives and their faith over lunch for as long as they can remember.
One day the priest says, "My friend, I must ask a difficult question, and if you don't answer, I'll understand. But I am too curious. Your faith prohibits you from eating any meat that comes from a pig. Have you...have you ever eaten any pork?"
The rabbi sighs and says "Yes, I will admit it. Once when I was a teenager, I was at a party, and I tried a little bit of ham. It was one time, a long time ago, and I have never done anything since."
The priest reassures the rabbi "I am sure God forgives you."
The rabbi says "So let me ask you...your faith forbids you from sleeping with a woman. Have you...have you ever been with a woman?"
The priest sighs and says "Yes, I admit it. Once, when I was a young man, before I committed to the priesthood, I was with a woman. It was one time, a long time ago, and I have never done anything since."
The rabbi winks at the priest and says, "It's better than ham, isn't it?"

 

And on a related note - a priest and a rabbi are having dinner together.  The priest is chowing down, and says to the rabbi, "Solomon, my friend, someday, somehow, you have to figure out a way for you to try some of this absolutely wonderful Iberico ham. It is heavenly!"
The rabbi responds, "I will Father Rico, I will."
The priest sits up. "When?"
Rabbi: "At your wedding." 

 

A priest, a pastor, and a rabbit walk into a bar

The priest says, ‘I want a glass or red wine.”

The pastor says, ‘I just want a simple iced tea.’

The rabbit says, “I think I am a typo.”

 

A Priest and a Rabbi a going for a walk.

After some time of walking and because it’s such a hot summer day, they decide to go skinny dipping in a Lake nearby.
After a long and refreshing swim, they return to the shore and find their clothes missing.
They both decide to risk it and return home as fast as possible.
As luck will have it, while in their way back they run into a group of people.
The Priest covers his genitals, while the Rabbi covers his face.
After the people have left the Priest asks the Rabbi: “What was that supposed to be??"
The Rabbi smiling: "Well my friend, my community recognizes me by my face."

 

Rabbi Eliezer was the most brilliant Rabbi of all time...

Nevertheless, his fellow Rabbis would often disagree with his opinions, leading to lengthy philosophical and theological debates.
During one debate on the subject of the legal minutiae of a religious ritual he found himself at odds with three of his colleagues. While everyone recognized that Rabbi Eliezer was the greater scholar, the quorum would follow the majority. He knew he would have to sway at least one of them to his side.
He started with every logical and technical argument that he could imagine. While they were impressed, the other three stood firm in their opposition, three against one.
Getting agitated he said, "if I am correct then that tree will fall over!" and sure enough the tree fell over.

The others said "well that could just be coincidence. Trees do fall over all the time."
Getting more desperate he said "if I am correct that river will flow backward!" and sure enough the river began to flow backward, but the others said "this too can happen naturally sometimes when the right circumstance of tides and rainfall coincide."
Finally he shouted "If I am correct then let Heaven come answer my call" and sure enough a heavenly voice rang out and said "He's right you know..."
After hearing this, the other Rabbis conferred and finally returned with "Sorry, it’s still three against two"