Patriotic JOW #1287

It is working towards the Fourth of July, and I am feeling patriotic.  Thus, my theme this week is about patriotic things.  I am grateful for the freedoms I have, aware that they are precious and not everyone has them.  I am also grateful for the armed forces that preserve our freedoms, especially the United States Navy, backbone of our nation’s defense.  I hope you enjoy these simple patriotic jokes.

 

What’s more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

(That joke is a little like freedom.  Not everybody gets it.)

 

Isn’t it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom in the US?
Until they are flashing behind you.

 

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

 

Which flag is the most highly rated? The American flag. It has 50 stars!

 

What do fireworks drink to stay hydrated in the summer? Sparkling water

 

Fireworks sales around the 4th of July are booming.

 

The United States is the most patriotic country in the world, Democrats continue to vote even after they die.

 

There was a patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country, so he joined the Marine Corpse.

 

What is so different about countries without freedom of speech?
Well, some things are better left unsaid.

 

Do you know that there is freedom of speech in China?
But there is no freedom after speech.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
They never mention that part to us, do they?!

 

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.
After Ethan came in from using it later that day, they asked him if he noticed anything different. He said he noticed the portrait. When asked what he thought of it, he replied that he found it very appropriate for an Englishman to put it there. His confused hosts pressed him for an explanation, to which he replied, "Nothing makes an Englishman loosen his bowels quicker than the sight of General Washington."

 

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.
He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contributing to animal cruelty and performing unlicensed medical procedures.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms

 

Here are some military themed jokes.

 

What do you call a snail that boards a Navy ship?

A snailor.

 

An old veteran was asked the question “Did you ever kill anyone?”

The old man got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

 

Just because there are no complaints, it doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

 

What’s the easiest way to get to be a five-star general?
Great reviews on Yelp.

 

Just because there are no complaints, it doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

 

The CEO of IKEA has become the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He is currently assembling his cabinet.

 

One day an airman, an Army soldier, and a Marine were talking about the hardships they faced during their last deployment.

Airman: “The worst was when the air conditioner broke in our tent and it was 110 degrees outside!”
Soldier: “No way, you guys had air conditioners?!”
Marine: “Wait, stop. You had tents?”

 

Two soldiers find a couple unexploded bomblets while on patrol

One says: "They probably fell without blowing up, let’s load them up and take them back to base"
The other says: "But what if one of them blows up on the way back?"
He replies: "We will tell them we only found one"

 

So, an old peasant named Mykola is summoned to the KGB. The KGB officer in charge of his interrogation asks, "Comrade Mykola, we have received information that you are receiving money orders from Israel. Why is that?"
Mykola explains, "Well, during the Great Patriotic War, I was hiding a Jewish family from the Nazis in my basement. So now, their children have grown up, immigrated to Israel, and send a care package to the old man Mykola out of gratitude every now and again."
The KGB officer replies, "Hiding innocents from the Nazis was undoubtedly a heroic act, but Israel is our enemy. You are a communist, Comrade Mykola, you really should think about your future."
"Oh, I am thinking about my future, all right" replies Mykola, "now I am hiding a Chinese family in my basement."

 

A man was sitting at the bar, looking dejectedly into his bottle of beer.
“You look pretty down,” said the guy on the next stool. “Wanna talk about it?”
“I dunno,” sighed the first man. “It’s just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money.”
“So?”
“Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were five millimeters too big.”

 

 

 

 

I Ran JOW #1286

The Middle East is in disarray and the Iranians are getting aggressive. Welcome back to 500 BCE.  (For more on that period, read my novels, The Chronicles of Athan). I have some sort of topical jokes on the unfortunate situation. and a few jokes actually told in that part of the world.  I do remember an old joke from my Navy days back in 1988 when we had a scrap with the Iranian navy:

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old Iran navy. 

 

I hear Iran has no Walmart stores.

Only Targets.

 

A week ago, most people on social media didn’t know any Iranian generals were.

They really blew up overnight.

 

Want to know how to clear out an Iranian bingo parlor?

Call out B2

 

What’s the difference between an American girl and an Iranian girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

 

An Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree.

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian.

The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.
A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"

 

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a one of the other team’s supporters.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

 

Three Britons are on holiday in Iran, smoking weed while sitting on a bench.
One is a goth girl, the second is a gay guy with a rainbow t-shirt, and the third is a businessman in a suit and tie.
A police officer comes over and instantly arrests the businessman, taking him into his car. He then starts to drive off.
“Why did you arrest me?” Asks the businessman.
“Well, weed is very much illegal here in the Islamic Republic of Iran,” said the officer
“What about the others? They were smoking it too!” Exclaims the man.
“That is true,” said the officer, “but over here we also don’t have any issue with women and gays getting stoned.”

 

An Iranian diplomat came up to an American diplomat and told him "I had a dream last night.  New York was in ruins with Iranian flags flying above."
The American diplomat replied: "Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran peaceful and prosperous and happy people were celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere."
"What did the banners say?", asked the Iranian.
"I don't know," the American answered, "I can't read Hebrew."

 

I will end with some jokes that I am assured are actual jokes from Iran.

 

An Iranian Mullah was walking down the street and suddenly fell into a hole.
Some people walking around rush to the top of the hole to help him and began calling ‘Give us your hand!’
The Mullah stood still in the bottom of the hole looking up at them while the people keep shouting to him.
After a while they gave up and rushed to ask another Mullah who was walking by for advice.
The second Mullah asked what did you say to him?”

“Give us your hand!”
“That the wrong thing to say to a Mullan. Try saying ‘take our hand’.”

 

A very sick Iranian man was laying on his bed at home. His beautiful wife sat by his side, holding his hand.
He was dismayed about the thought of his wife being with another man after he had died. He asked, "Wife, do you think that when I am gone you will marry another man?"
"I imagine I will. Although I will miss you a lot, my life will still continue..." she said.
"And do you think you will move him into this house where we live now?" he asked.
"I suppose it will depend on the circumstances, but it is a possibility. The house is very nice, and I will always think of you when I am in it," she said.
"And, do you think you will cook my favorite meal, the one you have made for me so many times, Kabab Koobideh," he asked.
"No, of course not! I would never make that for him!" she said.  “He hates Kaba Koobideh.”

 

Once upon a time, in the days of the Persian Caliph, an ensemble of musicians was brought into the caliph's court. After the ensemble was ushered in, they performed a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph was very pleased and said, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's musical instruments with priceless jewels so that they will know their worth and return here tomorrow night to entertain me again!"
The servants obey and bring out a wheelbarrow of gems. They fill the percussionist's drum to the brim, rendering it so heavy that he could barely lift it. They filled the lute-player's lute with gems. But the reed flute player's instrument would not hold such riches, and so the servants could only manage to stick one jewel into each end of the flute.
Leaving the court, the flute player was furious. His solo lasted longer than any other, and he improvised more beautifully than anybody else in the ensemble. As he watched his fellow musicians celebrate their new wealth, he became bitter and decided to teach them a lesson.
At the next night's performance the flute player began sabotaging the other musicians. He began throwing off the rhythm and melody of each piece by banging on the percussionist's drum and breaking the lute-player's strings when the caliph wasn't looking. Finally, the caliph ordered that they stop playing.

"I am outraged! This is not what I wanted," he shouts, "Guards, teach these fools a lesson. Hold them down and shove their instruments into their rear-ends!"
The guards seize the musicians. They attempted to force the drum into the percussionist’s anus but stopped as it was impossible. They attempted the same with the lute-player, but his instrument also would not fit. The flute player was not so lucky.

 

Robotic JOW #1285

 We are not evolving upward.  Thanks to modern technology, we now have an system that fits in a pocket that allows us to access the entirety of information known to humans.  People use it to watch cat videos and to argue with strangers.  Fifty years ago, a car owner’s manual showed you how to change the points and condenser on your car.  Today they warn you not to drink the contents of the battery.  Our species is doomed.  Fortunately, we have developed some pretty smart robots who can take over.  Perhaps whether we want them to or not….

While we wait for the outcome here are a few jokes, some of which are about robots.

 

Why did the robot cross the road?

It was programmed by the chicken.

 

A robot tried to rob a bank but was caught when its battery died.

Police have no plans…to charge the suspect

 

I just saw a robot charging itself

It was re-volting!

 

Who is smarter, a robot maid or a robot MD?

A robot maid, because she's got her AI.

 

What sound does a robot frog make?

Rivet, Rivet

 

What’s a steel robot’s favorite type of music? 

Heavy metal

 

What do you call a sentient robot pirate?

Aaarrgh-tificial intelligence, me matey!

 

And what said sentient robot in Star Wars name be?

Aaarrrgh2D2

 

What would you call a Texas robot?

Tex Mechs

 

They have brought in artificial intelligence to help solve special victims’ crimes. 

They are going to call it SVUAI.

 

And then there is the designation for ‘different’ intelligent robots: LGBITAI.

 

The Iron Giant robot was sworn to protect the people of the town of Rockwell.

One day when it was raining some of the screws in one of his knees got rusty and fell off causing one of the legs to collapse. When the leg failed, the Iron Giant fell and crushed many buildings in Rockwell, the place it was meant to protect.
Oh, the iron knee!

 

A robot walks into a bar. The bartender asks,

"What'll ya have?"
The robot says, "Well, it's been a long day and I need to loosen up. How about a screwdriver?"

 

Here are some non-robot jokes:

 

The government will no longer be making pennies.  As far as I am concerned the government hasn’t been making cents for a long time.

 

Learn to speak bureaucraticspeak.  Don’t say, ‘I told you so’. Instead try ‘This was identified early on as a likely outcome.’

 

A man got a wish from a genie.  He just wished he could be happy.  Now he is working in a mine and living in a cottage with six other dwarves. 

 

For most people when you lose your khakis you have misplaced you pants.  Except when someone loses their ‘khakis’ they can’t start their car.

 

Knowing your wife is wrong is one thing.  Proving she is in the wrong is just stupid

 

Some personal observations:

 

I had some old lettuce in the refrigerator that had gotten brown and soggy.  Cookies don’t do that.

 

I went to the Oreo website and clicked ‘accept all cookies’.  Still waiting.

 

I got a new book: How to Survive Falling Down a Staircase, a step-by-step guide.

 

I just ate a delicious plant-based hamburger.  Okay, it was from a meat packing plant, but still….

 

Women seem to like shoes and earrings.  No matter how much weight you gain, they still fit.  I can relate.  I can still fit into my old high school track shoes. 

 

I am wearing a pink tee shirt today to raise awareness of people like me who didn’t separate the red laundry from the white

 

Autocorrect has made my writing so much better; I am eternally grapefruit.

 

And a final robot joke

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife ZR-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their wives-to-be.
So as they're all sitting around the dinner table, sipping their oil soup, XR-573 looks at his eldest son, 453-WX, and asks him "So, tell me about your new fiancée!"
453-WX, beaming with pride says "Dad, I'm so excited. She's kind, generous, has state-of-the-art processing capacity, and what's more, she's made entirely out of stainless steel!"
XR-573 and his wife are both impressed. "Wow, stainless steel, that's incredible! Well done, son! I can't wait to meet her!"
XR-573 then turns to his middle son, Q79, and says "Q79, what about you? Tell me about your robot fiancée!"
Q79 smiles smugly, and says "Well dad, I'm afraid I've got my brother beat! Because not only does my fiancée incorporate experimental superconductors and wireless satellite networking capability, but she also just happens to be made out of titanium!"
XR-573 thinks this is amazing. "Well hot damn, Q79, I am genuinely impressed! I can't wait to see the incredible children you'll fabricate together!" XR-573 then turns to his youngest son, D7-8902, who has always been a bit of a black sheep, and asks him "Well D7-8902, you've been awfully quiet. Would you like to tell us about your robot fiancée?"
D7-8902 holds up his head proudly. "Dad, my fiancée might not be made of space age materials, but I love her very much. We have a lot in common. But she's made... of iron."
XR-573's circuits practically fry upon hearing this. He stands up, slams the table and yells as loud as his vocal processor will go. "IRON?? Why, she's no better than a common ore!"

 

Gender Conflicted JOW #1284

 Some current claims notwithstanding, there are definite differences between women and men and these differences are a rich ground for humor.  Here are a few jokes on the topic of gender conflict.

Behind every angry woman is a man who has no idea what he did wrong.

Men: Don’t try to understand women.  Women understand women and they hate each other.

·        What do you call a man who lost all his intelligence? A widow.

·        What’s the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature.

·        Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.

·        Why are men like parking spaces? The good ones are always taken.

·        What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

·        What do you call a woman who lost all her intelligence? A widow.

·        Why don’t women need watches? There’s a clock on the stove.

·        Why do women have cleaner minds than men? They change them more often.

·        What’s the difference between a man and a parrot? You only have to tell a parrot something once.

·        What’s the difference between a man and a loaf of bread? Bread is usually good for something.

·        What do you call a man who opens the car door for his wife? A chauffeur.

·        What’s the difference between a woman and a computer? You can hit “escape” on a computer.

·        What’s the difference between a man and a battery? A battery has a positive side.

 

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Some quick ‘Karen’ jokes.  Note:  Not all Karens are female.

Karen goes to the psychic...

"Two men, Bob and Carl, both want to marry me. Who will be the lucky one?"
"You will marry Bob. Carl will be the lucky one."

 

A group of dogs is a pack. A group of crows is a murder. What is a group of Karen's?

A Homeowners Association.   Or a migraine.  

 

I think we should stop turning normal names like "Karen" into slurs

It's a real Dick move.

 

A man and woman were married for many years.

Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he suddenly died. After the burial, his wife’s neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"
The wife said, " Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions."

 

A man and his 13-yr old son are in the pharmacy when his son sees the condom display

"Dad", the son says, "what are those for?
"Well, those are for when a man and woman love each other and want to have safe intercourse.
"Oh", the son says, "Why do they have a three-pack?"
"That's for a college junior: one for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday morning".
"And why do they have a 6-pack?"
"That's for college seniors: two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday Morning."
"And why do they have a 12-pack?"
"Well, that's for married men...
one for January, one for February..."

 

Man and woman are out on a dinner date.

Waiter: "What will you be having tonight ma'am?"
Woman: "I'll have the salad, no nuts please."
Waiter: "Of course."
Man: "But it didn't say it had nuts."
Woman: "I'm allergic, so I tell them just to be safe."
Man: "That makes sense."
Waiter: "And for you, sir?"
Man: "I'll have the steak, no bees please."

 

A man and woman had been married for more than 50 years.

They had shared everything. They talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife's bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $500.
He asked her about the contents. 'When we were to be married,' she said, ' my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.'
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two of the precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two Times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with Happiness.
'Honey,' he said, 'that explains the doll, but what about all this money? Where did it come from?'
'Oh,' she said, 'that's the money I made from selling the dolls.'

 

Smart Alec JOW #1283

Typically, I have a theme for my jokes, as that is the way I remember them, but this week I am just making a bunch of short observations and snarky comments that are only vaguely related.  Lines like these go through my mind all the time.  Normally, I try to keep my crazy hidden, but here I am sharing it online with you guys.  Thanks for reading my stuff.  Questionable life choice, but thanks.

 

I still have abs.  I am just protecting them with a layer of padding.

 

You know you're over 70 when you have 'upstairs ibuprofen' and 'downstairs ibuprofen'.

 

 If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

 

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

 

So, you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

 

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

 

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

 

One sure way to tell a person is older when they text.  The use of complete sentences.

 

My life is not like a box of chocolates.  More like mixed frozen vegetables with freezer burn.

 

Tess was reluctant to take the last name of her beau, Bill Tickles.

 

Responding to a wedding RSVP with ‘Maybe next time’ is apparently not appropriate

 

Then there was the Freudian who was kept of a conference for having a fake id.

 

People think Tom Cruise is short for a man

It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"

 

I tried that new Fortnight coffee.

It was two week.

 

"Why do lawyers look like psychopaths? Because they don't want to look like politicians."

 

Why did John Lennon hate carrots?
Because he wanted to give peas a chance.

 

Back in my days cars didn’t even have cup holders.  We had to hold a beer between our legs when we drove.

 

People who ask if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point.  It is refillable.

 

Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange."  I said, "No, it doesn't." 

 

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are. 

 

I have many hidden talents.  I just wish I could remember where I hid them. 

 

When someone says they’re seeing someone, I automatically assume it is a therapist.

 

If you get a present labeled, 'From Mom and Dad’, you know Dad has no idea what's inside. 

 

A leading cause of injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.

 

‘I am’ is the shortest sentence in English.  ‘I do’ is the longest.

 

Latin and Arabic number fact - Six without S is Nine.

 

Some people don’t hate working so much that if you gave them a job sleeping, they would wake up and quit.

 

The hard-working broom was late to work.  It over swept.

 

Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

Because old Hobbits die hard...

 

My career as a street fighter didn't last very long...

I broke my hand punching a curb.

 

I put in an application for an apartment

because I really liked the lengthy corridor to the bedroom. I’m in it for the long hall.

 

What do you call it when a group of people in a single vehicle travel through a lengthy underpass?

Carpool tunnel!

 

I saw a protest with a lot of LGBT people in a line.  I was an LGBT queue

 

Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?

Mom: I don’t know. You’ll have to ask grandma.

 

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

 

I celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages ...... Metamucil and Ensure. 

 

For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version....it doesn't listen to anything. 

 

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait in line for a single piece!

 

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, they must be French, they're nude... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

 

Still trying to get my head around the fact that 'Take Out' can mean food, dating, or murder.

Phrases can have entirely different meanings to different genders.  For example consider the expression ‘What an ass”

 

Here are some harsh riddles.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is in the pool?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is on the floor

Mat

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is hanging on the wall?

Art

What do you call a man with no arms and legs next to a hole in the ground?

Doug

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is next to a filled in hole?

Douglas

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter.  He can’t come

So how do you take a dog with no legs for a walk.

You don’t.  You take him for a drag

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer?

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no ideer?

Where does a one-legged waitress work?  IHop

And what do you call that waitress?  Eileen.

And a Japanese one-legged waitress working at IHop?  Irene

 

What's the sad thing about man-caves?  It's where all your cool stuff is, and where you can do whatever, you want. Before Marriage we used to call it life, but then it became just a room.