Smart Alec JOW #1283

Typically, I have a theme for my jokes, as that is the way I remember them, but this week I am just making a bunch of short observations and snarky comments that are only vaguely related.  Lines like these go through my mind all the time.  Normally, I try to keep my crazy hidden, but here I am sharing it online with you guys.  Thanks for reading my stuff.  Questionable life choice, but thanks.

 

I still have abs.  I am just protecting them with a layer of padding.

 

You know you're over 70 when you have 'upstairs ibuprofen' and 'downstairs ibuprofen'.

 

 If only vegetables smelled as good as bacon.

 

We live in a time where intelligent people are silenced so that stupid people won't be offended.

 

So, you mean to tell me a stress ball isn’t for throwing at people who stress you out?

 

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often.

 

I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

 

One sure way to tell a person is older when they text.  The use of complete sentences.

 

My life is not like a box of chocolates.  More like mixed frozen vegetables with freezer burn.

 

Tess was reluctant to take the last name of her beau, Bill Tickles.

 

Responding to a wedding RSVP with ‘Maybe next time’ is apparently not appropriate

 

Then there was the Freudian who was kept of a conference for having a fake id.

 

People think Tom Cruise is short for a man

It's actually short for "Thomas Cruise"

 

I tried that new Fortnight coffee.

It was two week.

 

"Why do lawyers look like psychopaths? Because they don't want to look like politicians."

 

Why did John Lennon hate carrots?
Because he wanted to give peas a chance.

 

Back in my days cars didn’t even have cup holders.  We had to hold a beer between our legs when we drove.

 

People who ask if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point.  It is refillable.

 

Someone said, "Nothing rhymes with orange."  I said, "No, it doesn't." 

 

Reading gives us someplace to go when we have to stay where we are. 

 

I have many hidden talents.  I just wish I could remember where I hid them. 

 

When someone says they’re seeing someone, I automatically assume it is a therapist.

 

If you get a present labeled, 'From Mom and Dad’, you know Dad has no idea what's inside. 

 

A leading cause of injury in old men is them thinking they are still young men.

 

‘I am’ is the shortest sentence in English.  ‘I do’ is the longest.

 

Latin and Arabic number fact - Six without S is Nine.

 

Some people don’t hate working so much that if you gave them a job sleeping, they would wake up and quit.

 

The hard-working broom was late to work.  It over swept.

 

Why did Bilbo Baggins live for so long?

Because old Hobbits die hard...

 

My career as a street fighter didn't last very long...

I broke my hand punching a curb.

 

I put in an application for an apartment

because I really liked the lengthy corridor to the bedroom. I’m in it for the long hall.

 

What do you call it when a group of people in a single vehicle travel through a lengthy underpass?

Carpool tunnel!

 

I saw a protest with a lot of LGBT people in a line.  I was an LGBT queue

 

Daughter: Mom, what’s it like to have the greatest daughter in the world?

Mom: I don’t know. You’ll have to ask grandma.

 

When a kid says "Daddy, I want mommy" that's the kid version of "I'd like to speak to your supervisor".

 

I celebrated last night with a couple of adult beverages ...... Metamucil and Ensure. 

 

For those of you that don't want Alexa or Siri listening in on your conversation, they are making a male version....it doesn't listen to anything. 

 

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait in line for a single piece!

 

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and a Soviet are admiring a painting of Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden.

The Frenchman says, they must be French, they're nude... and they're eating fruit.
The Englishman says, Clearly, they're English; observe how politely the women is offering fruit to the man.
The Soviet replies, No, they are Russian communists, of course. They have no house, nothing to wear, little to eat, and they think they are in Paradise.

 

Still trying to get my head around the fact that 'Take Out' can mean food, dating, or murder.

Phrases can have entirely different meanings to different genders.  For example consider the expression ‘What an ass”

 

Here are some harsh riddles.

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is in the pool?

Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is on the floor

Mat

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is hanging on the wall?

Art

What do you call a man with no arms and legs next to a hole in the ground?

Doug

What do you call a man with no arms and legs who is next to a filled in hole?

Douglas

What do you call a dog with no legs?

It doesn’t matter.  He can’t come

So how do you take a dog with no legs for a walk.

You don’t.  You take him for a drag

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.

What do you call a deer with no eyes?

No ideer?

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?

Still no ideer?

Where does a one-legged waitress work?  IHop

And what do you call that waitress?  Eileen.

And a Japanese one-legged waitress working at IHop?  Irene

 

What's the sad thing about man-caves?  It's where all your cool stuff is, and where you can do whatever, you want. Before Marriage we used to call it life, but then it became just a room.