Patriotic JOW #1287

It is working towards the Fourth of July, and I am feeling patriotic.  Thus, my theme this week is about patriotic things.  I am grateful for the freedoms I have, aware that they are precious and not everyone has them.  I am also grateful for the armed forces that preserve our freedoms, especially the United States Navy, backbone of our nation’s defense.  I hope you enjoy these simple patriotic jokes.

 

What’s more patriotic than the fourth of July?

The half of July

(That joke is a little like freedom.  Not everybody gets it.)

 

Isn’t it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom in the US?
Until they are flashing behind you.

 

Which branch of the United States military is the most patriotic?

The Air Force; they're US AF

 

Which flag is the most highly rated? The American flag. It has 50 stars!

 

What do fireworks drink to stay hydrated in the summer? Sparkling water

 

Fireworks sales around the 4th of July are booming.

 

The United States is the most patriotic country in the world, Democrats continue to vote even after they die.

 

There was a patriotic zombie who wanted to serve his country, so he joined the Marine Corpse.

 

What is so different about countries without freedom of speech?
Well, some things are better left unsaid.

 

Do you know that there is freedom of speech in China?
But there is no freedom after speech.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and firefighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
They never mention that part to us, do they?!

 

Shortly after the Revolutionary War, the American war hero Ethan Allen was in London for some business.

His hosts were very patriotic Englishmen, so there was inevitably some tension between them. One day, they acquired a portrait of George Washington and hung it in their outhouse, so that you could only see it when you were seated and the door was closed.
After Ethan came in from using it later that day, they asked him if he noticed anything different. He said he noticed the portrait. When asked what he thought of it, he replied that he found it very appropriate for an Englishman to put it there. His confused hosts pressed him for an explanation, to which he replied, "Nothing makes an Englishman loosen his bowels quicker than the sight of General Washington."

 

An American patriot with amputated arms decides to replace them.
He obtains a pair of grizzly bear arms from a black market, and attaches them on his own, with the help of a friend.
He is arrested for contributing to animal cruelty and performing unlicensed medical procedures.
When taken to court, he gives a speech defending his right to bear arms

 

Here are some military themed jokes.

 

What do you call a snail that boards a Navy ship?

A snailor.

 

An old veteran was asked the question “Did you ever kill anyone?”

The old man got quiet. Then, in a soft voice, he said, “Probably. I was the cook.”

 

Just because there are no complaints, it doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

 

What’s the easiest way to get to be a five-star general?
Great reviews on Yelp.

 

Just because there are no complaints, it doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.

 

The CEO of IKEA has become the Prime Minister of Sweden.
He is currently assembling his cabinet.

 

One day an airman, an Army soldier, and a Marine were talking about the hardships they faced during their last deployment.

Airman: “The worst was when the air conditioner broke in our tent and it was 110 degrees outside!”
Soldier: “No way, you guys had air conditioners?!”
Marine: “Wait, stop. You had tents?”

 

Two soldiers find a couple unexploded bomblets while on patrol

One says: "They probably fell without blowing up, let’s load them up and take them back to base"
The other says: "But what if one of them blows up on the way back?"
He replies: "We will tell them we only found one"

 

So, an old peasant named Mykola is summoned to the KGB. The KGB officer in charge of his interrogation asks, "Comrade Mykola, we have received information that you are receiving money orders from Israel. Why is that?"
Mykola explains, "Well, during the Great Patriotic War, I was hiding a Jewish family from the Nazis in my basement. So now, their children have grown up, immigrated to Israel, and send a care package to the old man Mykola out of gratitude every now and again."
The KGB officer replies, "Hiding innocents from the Nazis was undoubtedly a heroic act, but Israel is our enemy. You are a communist, Comrade Mykola, you really should think about your future."
"Oh, I am thinking about my future, all right" replies Mykola, "now I am hiding a Chinese family in my basement."

 

A man was sitting at the bar, looking dejectedly into his bottle of beer.
“You look pretty down,” said the guy on the next stool. “Wanna talk about it?”
“I dunno,” sighed the first man. “It’s just that this time last year I had a fantastic job. I was making big money.”
“So?”
“Well, that was the problem. People started noticing the bills were five millimeters too big.”