I Ran JOW #1286

The Middle East is in disarray and the Iranians are getting aggressive. Welcome back to 500 BCE.  (For more on that period, read my novels, The Chronicles of Athan). I have some sort of topical jokes on the unfortunate situation. and a few jokes actually told in that part of the world.  I do remember an old joke from my Navy days back in 1988 when we had a scrap with the Iranian navy:

You know why Iran's new navy has glass bottom ships?

So they can see the old Iran navy. 

 

I hear Iran has no Walmart stores.

Only Targets.

 

A week ago, most people on social media didn’t know any Iranian generals were.

They really blew up overnight.

 

Want to know how to clear out an Iranian bingo parlor?

Call out B2

 

What’s the difference between an American girl and an Iranian girl?

The American girl gets stoned before sex.

 

An Israeli and an Iranian are sitting under a tree.

A caterpillar falls on the Israeli, who looks at it in disgust and flicks it onto the Iranian.

The Iranian pops it into his mouth and eats it without a second glance.
A few minutes later, another caterpillar lands on the Israeli. The Israeli turns to the Iranian and says, "Would you like to buy a caterpillar?"

 

I was watching an international soccer game, and suddenly an Iranian player ran into the stands to beat up a one of the other team’s supporters.

Then the Shiite hit the fan.

 

Three Britons are on holiday in Iran, smoking weed while sitting on a bench.
One is a goth girl, the second is a gay guy with a rainbow t-shirt, and the third is a businessman in a suit and tie.
A police officer comes over and instantly arrests the businessman, taking him into his car. He then starts to drive off.
“Why did you arrest me?” Asks the businessman.
“Well, weed is very much illegal here in the Islamic Republic of Iran,” said the officer
“What about the others? They were smoking it too!” Exclaims the man.
“That is true,” said the officer, “but over here we also don’t have any issue with women and gays getting stoned.”

 

An Iranian diplomat came up to an American diplomat and told him "I had a dream last night.  New York was in ruins with Iranian flags flying above."
The American diplomat replied: "Funny, I had a dream last night too. Teheran peaceful and prosperous and happy people were celebrating in the streets, with big banners hanging everywhere."
"What did the banners say?", asked the Iranian.
"I don't know," the American answered, "I can't read Hebrew."

 

I will end with some jokes that I am assured are actual jokes from Iran.

 

An Iranian Mullah was walking down the street and suddenly fell into a hole.
Some people walking around rush to the top of the hole to help him and began calling ‘Give us your hand!’
The Mullah stood still in the bottom of the hole looking up at them while the people keep shouting to him.
After a while they gave up and rushed to ask another Mullah who was walking by for advice.
The second Mullah asked what did you say to him?”

“Give us your hand!”
“That the wrong thing to say to a Mullan. Try saying ‘take our hand’.”

 

A very sick Iranian man was laying on his bed at home. His beautiful wife sat by his side, holding his hand.
He was dismayed about the thought of his wife being with another man after he had died. He asked, "Wife, do you think that when I am gone you will marry another man?"
"I imagine I will. Although I will miss you a lot, my life will still continue..." she said.
"And do you think you will move him into this house where we live now?" he asked.
"I suppose it will depend on the circumstances, but it is a possibility. The house is very nice, and I will always think of you when I am in it," she said.
"And, do you think you will cook my favorite meal, the one you have made for me so many times, Kabab Koobideh," he asked.
"No, of course not! I would never make that for him!" she said.  “He hates Kaba Koobideh.”

 

Once upon a time, in the days of the Persian Caliph, an ensemble of musicians was brought into the caliph's court. After the ensemble was ushered in, they performed a beautiful set lasting approximately an hour, complete with long improvisations. The caliph was very pleased and said, "Servants! I order you to fill these men's musical instruments with priceless jewels so that they will know their worth and return here tomorrow night to entertain me again!"
The servants obey and bring out a wheelbarrow of gems. They fill the percussionist's drum to the brim, rendering it so heavy that he could barely lift it. They filled the lute-player's lute with gems. But the reed flute player's instrument would not hold such riches, and so the servants could only manage to stick one jewel into each end of the flute.
Leaving the court, the flute player was furious. His solo lasted longer than any other, and he improvised more beautifully than anybody else in the ensemble. As he watched his fellow musicians celebrate their new wealth, he became bitter and decided to teach them a lesson.
At the next night's performance the flute player began sabotaging the other musicians. He began throwing off the rhythm and melody of each piece by banging on the percussionist's drum and breaking the lute-player's strings when the caliph wasn't looking. Finally, the caliph ordered that they stop playing.

"I am outraged! This is not what I wanted," he shouts, "Guards, teach these fools a lesson. Hold them down and shove their instruments into their rear-ends!"
The guards seize the musicians. They attempted to force the drum into the percussionist’s anus but stopped as it was impossible. They attempted the same with the lute-player, but his instrument also would not fit. The flute player was not so lucky.