Inapporpriate JOW #1300

 Most of my jokes in my ongoing JOW are pretty mild.  Occasionally, I have a slightly spicy one and perhaps one of my jokes offends someone.  Oh, well.  However, I do have stock of jokes that are almost certainly offensive to one group or another. This is not a problem – one of the sources of humor is the shock effect which can be triggered by bad words or toilet humor.  I don’t really have any of that in this posting, but there should be something in at least one of these to offend somebody.  Read and find out; I bet you find yourself laughing at some of them.

 

Wanna hear a dirty joke?
A man fell in a mud puddle.

Wanna hear a clean joke?
The man took a bath with bubbles.

Wanna hear a dirtier joke?
Bubbles was the woman next door.

 

What was the raciest thing said on TV back in the ‘50s?

“You were pretty hard on the Beaver last night, Wally.”

 

What did the deer say when she came out of the woods?
“I’ll never do that for two bucks again!”

 

The gender-neutral term for sugar daddy is glucose guardian

 

Canadians are wondering if the Trans Canada Expressway was assigned USA at birth.

 

Having sex in an elevator is wrong. On so many levels.

 

What’s the difference between virgin olive oil and extra virgin olive oil?
Uglier olives.

 

And is there a grade of olive oil called slutty olive oil?

 

What’s better than winning a silver medal at the Paralympics?
Being able to walk.

 

A little girl asks her mom, “Before I was born, did you want a little boy or a little girl?”
Mom - “I just wanted a backrub”.

 

Mother scolding her toddler who just spit out the French fries he had just put into his mouth:

Mom – “When you have something in your mouth don’t spit it out, swallow it!”

Dad – Looks at mom

Mom – “Shut up.”

 

A husband asked his wife if sex is a chore to her.

'Not really,' she replied. 'Chores make me feel satisfied afterwards.'

 

A little girl goes to her mother and tells her she learned how babies are made. Her mother asks her what she learned.
"A boy puts his peepee in a girl’s mouth, and a baby is made."
"Oh, sweetie!" replies the mother, "That's not how babies are made. That's how jewelry is made."

 

No means no.
Unless she’s dyslexic, then it’s on.

 

You really What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?
About halfway

 

What’s in common between the Titanic and the 6th sense?
Icy dead people.

 

What do you call a boy tree that wants to be a girl tree?  A trans plant

 

I’m fat but identify as thin.  Does that mean I am trans slender?

 

Why do women need a watch?  There is a clock right there over the stove.

 

After some kids changed their gender, they felt no one would look at them.  It was like they were transparent.

 

Who discovered hair on peaches?

Peach’s boyfriend!

 

If you restrain a straight man with a straight jacket, do you restrain a trans by making a tran’s vest tight?

 

Have you heard about the movie Constipation?
It hasn’t come out yet.

 

What do you call a person who dyes their hair red? 

Trans-gingered.

 

If a man hits a woman with his car whose fault is it?
The man.  He should not drive a car in the kitchen.

 

Catilyn Jenner wanted to join a superhero group but could not decide if she wanted to be an X-man or a Trans-former

 

Dickins Hard Cider had a failed advertising campaign to increase their female market.   Apparently, their slogan “Every woman wants a Hard Dickens Cider” was objectionable.

 

If a trans lesbian goes out with a bisexual, are they a BLT?

 

A doctor walks into the room and tells his patient, “You have to stop masturbating.”

The man looks aghast and says, “Why?”

“Because I’m trying to examine you.”

 

A salesman knocks on the door of a house and a little kid in a bathrobe with a cigar in one hand and a glass of scotch in the other answers the door.
The salesman says, “Hey son, are your parents around?”
The kid says, “What the hell do you think?”

Two cannibals sat around a campfire.
One said “God, I hate my mother-in-law.”
His friend said, “Well then try the potatoes.”

 

Young well-dressed woman - “How dare you pull me over.  Do you know who my father is?

Cop – “No, just like your mom I have no idea.”

 

A family checked into a hotel.  The father went back to the front desk and asked if the porn was disabled.

The clerk was aghast.  “It’s just regular porn you sick pervert.”

 

Men should relate to the trans movement.  After all we spent the first nine months of our lives trapped in a woman’s body.

 

And finally

A young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'"

"'Of course, child,' the priest says. 'What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limit and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you,' she replied.

When they got to customs, the official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so he asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
Father replied, 'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, which is, to date, unused.'

The customs man let him pass.

Car JOW #1299

 We finally had to let our converted RV van Freda go. It is the end of an era; we no longer go camping.  We are downsizing from a campervan to something smaller, cheaper, and more economical.  All this put me in an automotive mood, so my jokes start out with car-related jokes.

 

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

 

What does Quasimodo drive?

The Hatchback of Notre Dame

 

There is a new term for Caribbean carjackers. 

Pirates of the car I be in

 

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh.

 

I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow manure as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

 

What's the difference between a condom and a car?

There's a big market for used cars.

 

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built-in artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

 

What do you get when experiencing rapid decompression in a German luxury automobile?

Mercedes-Bends

 

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal?

A very upset child.

 

General Motors engineers have to have a perfect memory.

They have to recall everything.

 

When you get hit by a guitar truck, is it a fender-bender?

 

My car warning light keeps showing that's it's low on fuel...

... but it's probably just gaslighting me.

 

My wife’s car has a low fuel warning light that tells her when it’s time to drive my car for a couple of days.

 

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

 

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

 

Int the early 1900’s everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.

 

A woman in her late 40s had spent years as a birthing assistant.

She had helped bring many babies into the world and loved her work. On the day of her 50th birthday, she abruptly quit her job and used her savings to buy a flashy sports car. She had a midwife crisis.

 

Jim: I hate doctors, a doctor killed my uncle in Madrid.
Brown: That’s sad. What happened?
Jim: He went to a clinic for a heart checkup, the doctor said he was fine. Ninety minutes later, he died on the road.
Brown: Wow. Heart attack?
Jim: No. He was hit by a car.
Brown: The doctor isn’t responsible for that!
Jim: The doctor was driving the car.

 

Two Cadillac SUV drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

 

 

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be it,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are talking about.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well, it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers but I refuse to include any sexual or suggestive content on my JOW involving miners.

~~~~~~~

A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down, they noticed there were crumbs on the seat.  After cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down. A waitress came over asking them what they wanted. 

“I’ll just take a coffee,” said the man.

“Me too” said the lady “and make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress returned with their drinks “OK” she said placing down their cups “Now, which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

A guy fuels up his car in a gas station advertised with "Free Sex with Every Fuel Up".

After fueling up his car and going inside to pay the man asks the cashier, "Where is my free sex?"

"Well," replies the cashier "you have to guess a number from 1-10 if you get it right then you get the free sex"

The man answers seven.

"Ah so close it was eight" replies the cashier with a smile.

A few weeks later the same man Is driving with his friend, and they drive by the same gas station with the advertisement and so they decide to stop by. After fueling up and going in to pay the man asks once again "what about my free sex?".

The cashier replies with the same answer "guess a number from 1-10"

“I guess five.”

"Aw so close it was six."

After walking out the man's friend says, "You know this is a scam you never win" The friend replies "No my wife won twice last week."

And finally

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did the doctor say?”

“Well,” the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably aren’t going to make it.”

 

 

Weird Science JOW #1298

 I always appreciate getting feedback from my JOW recipients.  My friend Charlie did an even better favor by sending me a joke which I have not heard before about numbers.  That got me to thinking about numbers, which lead to other scientific themes.

 

What do you call numbers that move around?

Roman numerals

 

Why were the Romans so bad at algebra?
They always ended up with X equals 10.

 

I can't remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numbers

IM LIVID

 

What do you call someone who makes numbers disappear?

A mathmagician

 

Why did the letters lose the battle against the numbers?

They were outnumbered.

 

I’m in an army of even numbers

It’s a battle against the odds

 

The number 29 was murdered. The cops arrested all the numbers from 24 to 34.

But 31 was the prime suspect.

 

I asked a German girl if Germans are afraid of numbers

She said 9

 

I have tried all my life multiplying really large numbers by zero.

That amounted to nothing.

 

How do you make seven even?

Take away the S.

 

Everybody knows that 7 ate 9, but why?

Because he needed to eat three squared meals a day!

 

Why don’t numbers ever argue?
They just figure things out.

 

I really pushed to get an understanding of science and math.

But science and math pushed back

 

How many engineers does it take to change light bulb?

·        Electrical engineers – None.  We get a technician to change it

·        Mechanical engineers – Two.  One to change it and one to buy the six pack of beer

·        Civil engineers – Six.  One to change it and five to do the environmental impact statement

·        Aerospace engineers – I know the answer, but you do not have the clearance for that information.

·        Industrial engineers – Currently it is one, but we think we can get it down to .76 in 4 to 6 months

·        Systems Engineers – None.  We just redefine the standard as ‘dark’.

·        Network Security Engineers – First enter your name and password.  Then answer three security questions

 

What's 2 times 2?
    Physicist: “After some measurements I am fairly sure it is somewhere between 3.81 and 4.13!”
    Mathematician: “After some consideration I can now prove that the solution exists!”
    Engineer: “4, obviously, but let’s make it 5, just to be on the safe side.”

 

A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician travel together by train. Right after entering Scotland, they see a black sheep standing on top of a hill.
“Look at that,” says the biologist. “Apparently the sheep in Scotland are black.”
“Nonsense!” says the physicist. “All we can say for sure is that there is one sheep in Scotland that’s black.”
“I am afraid you are both wrong,” the mathematician explains. “The only thing that is certain is that there is a sheep in Scotland, which is black on at least one side.”

 

There's a university called the National University of Science and Technology

It's not called the National University of Technology and Science, because that would be NUTS.

 

Some silly scientific ‘walks into a bar’ jokes.

A virus walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve viruses in this bar."
The virus replaces the bartender and says, "Now we do."

An infectious disease walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve infectious diseases in this bar."
The infectious disease says, "well, you're not a very good host!"

Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve bacteria here."
The bacteria say, "But we work here! We're staph."

Some helium gas drifts into a bar. The bartender says, "we don't serve noble gases in this bar." The helium doesn't react.

A room-temperature walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve superconductors here."
The superconductor leaves without offering any resistance.

A neutrino walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve neutrinos here."
The neutrino says, "That's okay, I'm just passing through."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

I really pushed to get an understanding of science and math.

But unfortunately science and math pushed back

 

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

 

On Earth, science is driven by curiosity

On Mars, Curiosity is driven by scientists.

“Oh science! Oh science! Oh science!!” screamed the atheist while she was having sex.

 

The substitute was fine with teaching math, science. even music.

But art class is where he drew the line.

 

I tried to donate my brain to science

They didn't want it

 

I'm thinking of donating my body to science

It's taking up too much space in the freezer.

 

And finally, in breaking news, researchers have discovered the densest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (symbol=Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called dummies.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2 to 6 years.
It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isotopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration.
This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol=Ad), an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium, since it has half as many dummies but twice as many morons.

 

 

 

For the Birds JOW #1297

For no particular reason, I have decided to make my jokes about crows this week.  They are very interesting birds; intelligent, sociable, and sometimes a little scary.  When I ran out of crow jokes, I had to include some other bird jokes.  I hope these little jokes amuse you.

 

What do you call birds that stick together?

Vel-crows

 

What kind of drugs do birds do?

Crowcaine

 

Where do birds go out for drinks?

The Crow Bar.

 

Police have begun training Crows to search vehicles.

It's easier to search without a warrant because Police Crows always have Just Cawws.

 

During a review of accident statistics, it was noticed that one particular intersection in Boston had an inordinately high number of dead crows, presumably killed by motor vehicle strikes. Further study revealed the oddity that in every case, the dead crow had been killed by a truck—never a passenger car.
This seemed so statistically unlikely that the city engaged some experts from a local university to study the matter and determine the explanation. What they eventually discovered was that when scavenging, crows always post a sentinel in a nearby tree to warn of the approach of predators or other dangers. The difficulty turned out to be that the crows had no trouble saying “Cah!” but absolutely could not pronounce “truck”.

 

If a group of crows is a murder what is a group of Karen's?

A Homeowners Association.

And what is a group of small children called?

Annoying

 

A crow was arrested and put behind bars.

His lawyer, a lawyer bird obviously, visited him.
"How bad is it?" The crow asked.
Pretty bad." The lawyer bird replied. "They had a warrant to go through your phone."
"So what?" The crow said. "I've got nothing to hide."
"They found the texts to your friends." The lawyer bird said.
"So now it's a crime to ask my fellow crows to hang out?" The crow exclaimed. "They were all too busy to come by anyway"
"You're lucky they were." The lawyer bird replied.  "They've got you on attempted murder!”

 

Here are some non-crow bird jokes.

 

One bird goes to the other “How many birds does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”
The other bird replies, “Well I’m pretty sure Toucan”.

 

Guy: I am great at identifying birds

Friend: ok, what are those on that tree?
Guy: yes, they are all birds.

 

You know why birds sing in the mornings?

Because they don't have to go to work

 

Which bird is always out of breath?
A puffin!

 

What kind of bird runs the church?
A cardinal!

 

Why are there so many hawks and eagles in the church steeple?
Because they are birds of pray.

 

Why do you have to deport sick birds of prey?
it might be an illeagle

 

What birds make the best accountants?

Flamingos. They're real good at balancing

 

What kind of math do Snowy Owls like?
Owlgebra.

 

What kind of bird can carry the most weight?
The crane.

 

You know what they say about picking up baby birds...

‘He who pick up tiny bird acquires small pecker.’

 

What bird brings babies? 

A stork.

What bird prevents babies?

A swallow

 

Have you heard of that disease that you get from kissing birds?

It’s called Chirpes.
It's one of those canarial diseases.
I hear it's untweetable.

……

God: "Adam, I'll let you name the birds"

Adam: "Tit"
God: "Uh ok"
Adam: "Boobie"
God: "Stop naming them after breasts"
Adam: *Looks at rooster*

^^^^^^

A sheriff gets a call regarding a group of suspicious birds gathered along the highway.  So he drives to the reported location and sure enough there’s a group of about 15 vultures all huddled in a circle just off the right lane. The sheriff gets out and walks over to the birds to see what they’re up to. As he approaches he calls out “Hey fellas, mind if I ask what this meetings about?”
The vultures look up and one of them gestures to the center of their group, revealing a dead deer and says “nothing officer, we were just on our lunch break”
The Sheriff nods and says understandingly “Oh I see, carrion then”

~~~~~~

A young turtle is seen in the forest climbing up the trunk of a tree. It reaches the first sturdy branch of the tree and climbs out to the very end of it. At the end of the branch, it hesitates for a minute before jumping off flailing its legs wildly tumbling end over end before smashing headfirst into the ground.
Slightly dazed, the turtle gets up and starts climbing the tree again. This time the turtle passes the first branch, and starts crawling along a higher, less sturdy branch. Once again, he reaches the end, hesitates, and then jumps off flailing wildly and end over end until he smashes headfirst into the ground.
This time the turtle seems clearly shaken up, but resolutely starts climbing the tree again. He bypasses both the first and second branch and climbs out the highest, most shaky branch. This time when he reaches the end of the branch he looks over and waves at two birds watching him.
The birds look at one another when the male bird says: “I think it's time we tell him he is adopted.”

And finally, a supposedly true story

An MIT student spent an entire summer going to the Harvard football field every day wearing a black and white striped shirt, walking up and down the field for ten- or fifteen-minutes throwing birdseed all over the field, blowing a whistle and then walking off the field. At the end of the summer, it came time for the first Harvard home football team, the referee walked onto the field and blew the whistle, and the game had to be delayed for a half hour to wait for the flocks of birds to get off the field. The guy wrote his thesis on this and graduated.

 

 

 

Awakened JOW #1296

This week I am providing some jokes making fun of the current Progressive movement.  With the Internet and social media available to anyone there are no longer any filters, so the crazies now have a voice.  Make no mistake, the right wing has its own nut jobs who are just as ridiculous.  I often thought liberal comedian Bill Mahar had Representative Marjory Tailor Green on retainer for all the silly stuff she sometimes spouts.  But the left has been outdoing them for nonsense for a while.  What makes them irresistible to my sense of humor is the insufferable arrogance and self-righteousness which desperately needs to be pierced.  A ‘woke’ joke or more correctly an anti-woke joke is a joke that makes fun of how sensitive and overly politically correct society has become. Many people are keen to have anything that may be deemed slightly offensive to someone cancelled immediately and this has provided us with some hilarious jokes. 

 

A quote:

“Never say a humorous thing to someone who doesn't possess a sense of humor.  He will always use it in evidence against you.”

 

Some riddles

Why did the tofu refuse to perform stand-up comedy?

It didn’t want to be a part of the tasteless jokes.

 

Why won’t the progressive person laugh at a joke?

Because they’re still analyzing whether it respects all economic, racial, and social constructs.

 

How does a woke person respond to sarcasm?

“I recognize your performative humor, but I still find it problematic.”

 

Why were people flocking to the gender neutral mine?
Because there’s gold in them/their hills.

 

How do you invite a woke friend to dinner?

Very carefully, with assurances of ethical consumption and inclusivity.

 

What’s the official drink of social justice warriors?

Organic, fair-trade grievance tea.

 

What is the name of the new woke superhero?

Captain Virtue-Signal!

 

How many vegans does it take to change a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to protest in favor of natural, solar-powered lighting.

 

How many climate activists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None, they prefer to “light up” their social media feeds instead.

 

How many non-binary gender-fluent people does it take to change an LED lightbulb?
“DID YOU JUST ASSUME MY LIGHTBULB?”

 

How many social justice warriors does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just kidding, social justice warriors can’t change anything.

 

What is a woke pirate’s favorite letter?

None. Letters are colonizers of thought.

 

What time does a social justice warrior get up in the morning?
It’s hard to say, she’s already woke.

 

How do you know if you are a privileged white straight male?
A feminist will tell you.

 

What’s the difference between a gun and a Progressive?
Guns only have one trigger.

 

What type of tea does the Social Justice Warrior avoid?
Reality.

 

Do you know that there are only 10 genders?
It’s the gender binary.

 

What do you call a group of gay people in the wild?
A pride.

 

What’s a racist, homophobe, sexist, bigot, or hater?
Anyone winning an argument with a progressive.

 

What is Batman’s superpower?
White Privilege.

 

What is it called when brown envelopes aren’t delivered as quickly as white ones?
White Mail Privilege.

 

Why does Walter get to keep more of the drug money than Jessie?
White privilege.

 

Chess has been declared racist.  Think about which color is first to move in chess.
It’s a white privilege.

 

Why did the activist cross the road?

To protest on both sides.

 

What do you call a progressive coffee shop?
Stay Woke.

 

What is the difference between the internet and the North Pole?

The internet has more snowflakes.

 

Alabama is so progressive that

the women don't even change their last names when they get married

 

What do you call a progressive who is afraid of germs?

A Social Distance Warrior

 

You know homeless people are the real progressives of this country.

Always asking for change.

 

What do liberal arts majors yell when overwhelmed?

Oh,the humanities!

 

An amazing new movie was released about a disabled seagull with a broken wing that learned to fly. Unfortunately, the woke media mob ensured that it was immediately cancelled.

They were upset that a movie about a right-wing extremist was in the public eye.

 

Apparently, some clouds are starting to be cancelled.

People are not happy that they were throwing shade at people.

 

A conservative, a liberal and a moderate walk into a bar

The conservative orders a whisky, the liberal a white Russian. After a few drinks of each they launch into a wild argument with each other.
The bartender turns and asks the moderate what he wants.
Replieth the moderate, "Nothing. I'm the one who has to drive them home."

And finally

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' 
She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'
Her parents beamed with pride.
'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her. 'But you don't have to wait until you're President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I'll pay you $50. Then I'll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food and a new house.'
She thought that over for a few seconds, then she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ' Why doesn't the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?'
I said, 'Welcome to the Republican Party.'
Her parents still aren't speaking to me.