Car JOW #1299

 We finally had to let our converted RV van Freda go. It is the end of an era; we no longer go camping.  We are downsizing from a campervan to something smaller, cheaper, and more economical.  All this put me in an automotive mood, so my jokes start out with car-related jokes.

 

Why are European cars the lightest?

because there's no Americans sitting in them.

 

What does Quasimodo drive?

The Hatchback of Notre Dame

 

There is a new term for Caribbean carjackers. 

Pirates of the car I be in

 

What type of fuel do painters prefer?

Whatever makes the van gogh.

 

I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow manure as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

 

What's the difference between a condom and a car?

There's a big market for used cars.

 

What do you call a luxury automobile with a built-in artificial intelligence?

Alexus.

 

What do you get when experiencing rapid decompression in a German luxury automobile?

Mercedes-Bends

 

What do you get when you cross an automobile with a household animal?

A very upset child.

 

General Motors engineers have to have a perfect memory.

They have to recall everything.

 

When you get hit by a guitar truck, is it a fender-bender?

 

My car warning light keeps showing that's it's low on fuel...

... but it's probably just gaslighting me.

 

My wife’s car has a low fuel warning light that tells her when it’s time to drive my car for a couple of days.

 

There are a few criminals in my town that keep stealing wheels from parked police cars.

The cops are working tirelessly to catch the suspects.

 

The United States ruined Hiroshima. Which American city did Japan ruin?

Detroit

 

Int the early 1900’s everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.

 

A woman in her late 40s had spent years as a birthing assistant.

She had helped bring many babies into the world and loved her work. On the day of her 50th birthday, she abruptly quit her job and used her savings to buy a flashy sports car. She had a midwife crisis.

 

Jim: I hate doctors, a doctor killed my uncle in Madrid.
Brown: That’s sad. What happened?
Jim: He went to a clinic for a heart checkup, the doctor said he was fine. Ninety minutes later, he died on the road.
Brown: Wow. Heart attack?
Jim: No. He was hit by a car.
Brown: The doctor isn’t responsible for that!
Jim: The doctor was driving the car.

 

Two Cadillac SUV drivers got in a fender-bender, got out of their cars, and then started yelling at each other.

Within a few seconds, they were in a fistfight. I guess you could say things Escaladed quickly.

 

 

An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.

“I am afraid it’s just old age”, replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”

“That can’t be it,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you are talking about.”

“How can you possibly know I am wrong?” countered the doctor.

“Well, it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied, “my other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”

The world fossil fuel industry was shocked by the scandalous public exposure of LITERAL underground "swingers parties". The scandal allegedly involves numerous lustful Coal Union members including prospectors, colliers, dredgers, excavators, and sappers but I refuse to include any sexual or suggestive content on my JOW involving miners.

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A couple walked into a cheap looking restaurant. As they were about to sit down, they noticed there were crumbs on the seat.  After cleaning up the seat and wiping down the table they sat down. A waitress came over asking them what they wanted. 

“I’ll just take a coffee,” said the man.

“Me too” said the lady “and make sure the cup is clean.”

The waitress returned with their drinks “OK” she said placing down their cups “Now, which one of you wanted the clean cup?”

A guy fuels up his car in a gas station advertised with "Free Sex with Every Fuel Up".

After fueling up his car and going inside to pay the man asks the cashier, "Where is my free sex?"

"Well," replies the cashier "you have to guess a number from 1-10 if you get it right then you get the free sex"

The man answers seven.

"Ah so close it was eight" replies the cashier with a smile.

A few weeks later the same man Is driving with his friend, and they drive by the same gas station with the advertisement and so they decide to stop by. After fueling up and going in to pay the man asks once again "what about my free sex?".

The cashier replies with the same answer "guess a number from 1-10"

“I guess five.”

"Aw so close it was six."

After walking out the man's friend says, "You know this is a scam you never win" The friend replies "No my wife won twice last week."

And finally

A man wasn’t feeling well so he went to the doctor. After examining him the doctor took his wife aside, and said, “your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king, which means you are at his every beck and call, 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.

On the way home the husband asked with a note of concern “what did the doctor say?”

“Well,” the lady responded, “he said it looks like you probably aren’t going to make it.”