It
was Halloween last weekend. It seemed to me there was less of an emphasis on
horror this year than previously. Perhaps
because we are about to have an election and that is scary enough all on its
own. One thing that continues is giving
candy to trick or treaters. Fortunately,
we were able to give away those sweet temptations in our house to the kiddos
who can eat it without swelling up to the size of a zeppelin. But candy is part of Halloween and is the
theme for this week’s set of jokes.
How
do you spell candy with two letters?
C
and Y
In
my day we used to use subliminal advertising to sell candy.
And
buy gum, it worked!
I
don't get Halloween. It's perfectly fine for kids to go to stranger’s homes and
ask for candy.
But
if I go driving around in my van offering kids’ candy, I get reported to the
police.
I
checked my kids candy for drugs...
No
luck this year either.
I
saw my son eating chocolate even after I confiscated all his Halloween candy. I
asked him where he got that from.
He
said, "I always have a few Twix up my sleeve."
What
candy do you eat on the playground?
Recess
pieces.
What
country did candy come from?
Sweeten
What
do you call a bear with no teeth?
A
gummy bear
What
do you call candy that was stolen?
Hot
chocolate
What
is Elon Musk’s favorite candy bar?
A
Marsbar
Did
you hear about the candy maker who was seeing double?
His
mind was playing Twix on him.
I
know a guy who collects candy canes.
And
they are all in mint condition.
What
do you call a sharpened candy cane?
A
spearmint.
What
does a candy cane say to another candy cane during a strong storm? *Hurry*cane
Why
did the man keep reloading the picture of the candy cane at the potluck?
He
was in charge of refresh mints.
What
do you call a candy cane with graduated markings?
A
measure-mint device.
Music
is like candy.
It's
all pretty sweet you just need to throw away the wrappers
How
does candy laugh?
It
snickers
What
did the candy bar say when you asked for their pronouns?
Her/she
A
movie theater was robbed of $150 worth of candy
The
thieves took three bags of M n' Ms, some popcorn and a small soda
Candy
at the cash register?
I’ll
buy some if it’s a Payday.
Apparently
you have to pay extra for some mints these days
They
call it the Tic Tax
Once upon a time, a man was taken by pirates in the Caribbean. He took the man and pushed him on the plank
and told him to walk it.
He asked the pirate, " I can’t swim.
Don't you think you're going a little overboard?"
The pirate replied, "No. But you are!"
Right before the man jumped off, he asked him one request, "Before I jump,
can I have one last mug of root beer?"
He says, "I don't see why not"
So he gave the man a mug of root beer and the man with the root beer in hand
jumped. And he would have drowned had it not been for one thing...
Root beer floats
An
alcoholic walked into a candy store. The
alcoholic looked around and after a while the storekeeper asked him, "Can
I help you with anything?"
The alcoholic replied, "Yeah, got any liquor filled candy?"
"Well, I'm not sure but there is this candy."
"What is that?"
"It's liquor-ish"
Johnny
was sitting on a bench, eating a massive bag of candy.
A
passing old man, shocked by the size of the bag asked him, "Are you really
going to eat all that candy? It’s bad
for you.”
"Well,
my grandpa did exactly what I am doing now, every day, and he lived to be ninety."
"What, by eating all that candy?" The old man asked.
"No, by minding his own business" Johnny replied.
Three
kids walk into a candy store
The
first kid said, "I'll have $1 worth of jellybeans, sir!"
The
jellybeans are on a shelf, so the candy store owner got a ladder out, got the
jellybeans, weighed out $1 worth, put the beans back on the shelf, climbed down
the ladder, put it away, and gave the kid the jellybeans. "There's your jellybeans,
young man," he says.
The
next kid said, "I'll have $1 worth of jellybeans, too." So, the guy did
the whole thing again: get the ladder, climb up, grab $1 of jellybeans, climb
back down, but before he put the ladder away, he asks the third kid "Are
you also wanting $1 of jellybeans?"
The
kid said "No."
He
puts the ladder away again, hands the jellybeans to the second kid, and turns
to the third kid. "What can I get you, young man?"
The
third kid said, "I'll have $2 worth of jellybeans, please."
And
finally:
A
Little ten-year-old girl was walking home, alone, from school one day, when a
big man on a black motorcycle pulled up beside her.
After
following along for a while, turned to her and asked, "Hey there little
girl, do you want to go for a ride?"
"NO!" says the little girl as she kept on walking.
The motorcyclist again pulled up beside her and asked, "Hey little girl, I
will give you $10 if you hop on the back of my new motorcycle."
"NO!" said the little girl again as she hurried down the street.
The motorcyclist pulls up beside the little girl again and says,
"Okay kid, my last offer! I'll give you twenty bucks and a big bag of candy
if you will just hop on the back of my bike and go for a ride with me."
Finally, the little girl stops and turns towards him and screams out...
"Look Dad, you're the one who bought that stupid Honda Gold Cup instead of
the Harley! ...YOU RIDE IT!!"
