My jokes
this week focus on logic, including a few highlighting the differences in logic
between men and women and between scientists and engineers. This JOW is dedicated to my late much smarter
cousin, and genetic half-brother, William Pinney, PhD.
Tor sent me
this example of the differences between male and female logic.
Woman:
Do you drink beer?
Man: Sure.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5, with a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?
Man: Sounds right.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man: Sure.
Woman: How many beers a day?
Man: Usually about 3.
Woman: How much do you pay per beer?
Man: $5, with a tip.
Woman: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: About 20 years.
Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400, correct?
Man: Sounds right.
Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?
Man:
I guess so.
Woman:
Do you know that if you didn't drink beer that money could have been put in a
step-up interest savings account and after compound interest for the past
20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?
Man:
Do you drink beer?
Woman:
No.
Man:
So, where's your Ferrari?
Tom (who is
old and wise…well, old for sure) sent me these simple truths:
SIMPLE
TRUTH 1:
Lovers
help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress
on their own.
Simple
Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE
TRUTH 2:
When
a woman is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say,
"Congrats". But, none of them touch the man's penis and say,
"Good job".
Simple
Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
………………………….
A guy sees
his new neighbor out in his backyard, so he decides to get acquainted. After
introductions, he asks the new neighbor what he does for a living.
The new
neighbor says, "I'm a professor." The first neighbor then asks,
"Oh yeah, what do you teach?"
"Logic,"
the professor responds.
"What
is that?" the neighbor inquires.
"Well,
let me see if I can give you an example...you have a dog, right?"
"Yeah, that's
right," neighbor #1 responds.
"And
you have children too, right?" says the professor.
"Wow,
right again!" exclaims the neighbor.
"So,
then you must be married and that would make you a heterosexual, right?''
proclaims the professor.
"Unbelievable,
you're absolutely correct. How do you know all this about me?"
"Well,"
the professor says, "I observed there was a dog house in your backyard, so
you must have a dog. I also saw bicycles next to your garage, so you must have
children. And if you have children, you are probably married and if you’re
married, you are most likely heterosexual... it was all logical!"
The next
afternoon, the neighbor runs into his old friend. His friend asks if he has met
the new neighbor. The man says that he met him yesterday.
"What's
he like?"
"Well,"
the man says, "he's nice and he is a professor of logic."
"Oh,"
says the friend, "what's logic?"
"Maybe
I can give you an example. Do you have a dog house?"
"Why,
no, I do not," responds the friend.
"Well,
then," proclaims the man, "you must be gay!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A couple
wants a divorce, but first they must decide who will be the main guardian of
their child. The jury asks both the man and woman for a reason why they should
be the one to keep the child. So the jury asks the woman first.
She says,
"Well I carried this child around in my stomach for nine months and I had
to go through a painful birth process, this is my child and a part of me."
The jury is impressed and then turns to ask the man the same question.
The man
replies, "OK, I take a coin and put it in the drink machine and a drink
comes out, now tell me who does the drink belong to me or the machine"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
An engineer,
a physicist, a mathematician, and a mystic were asked to name the greatest
invention of all time. The engineer chose fire, which gave humanity power over
matter. The physicist chose the wheel, which gave humanity the power over
space. The mathematician chose the alphabet, which gave humanity power over
symbols. The mystic chose the thermos bottle.
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes - so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle - how does it know?"
"Why a thermos bottle?" the others asked.
"Because the thermos keeps hot liquids hot in winter and cold liquids cold in summer."
"Yes - so what?"
"Think about it." said the mystic reverently. "That little bottle - how does it know?"
++++++++++++++++++++++
A bus full of male physicists and engineers tragically drove off a cliff
instantly killing them all. To their astonishment
all the physicists and engineers awoke together in a long room, in their younger
bodies. At the very far end of the room,
slightly obscured by mists the men could see scantily clad nymphs gamboling
about.
As the men stared a VOICE spoke.
“Whenever the bell rings you may approach the nymphs, but no closer than
half way. No matter how many times the
bell rings you may never come closer than half way.”
The physicists and engineers all pondered this in silence for a few
moments. Then the bell rang.
Immediately all the physicists sat down and began crying.
All the engineers jumped halfway to their goal.
The scientists recognized that no matter how many times the bell rang
they could never fully reach the nymphs.
The engineers understood that after a while it would make no practical difference.
A logic riddle
Is an older
one-hundred dollar bill worth more than a newer one?
A: Of course
an older one hundred dollar bill is worth more than a new one dollar bill
=====================
FIVE
SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1.
Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Bentley than
on a bicycle.
2.
Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3.
If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when
they're in trouble again.
4.
Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5.
Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus Truth:
Condoms
don't guarantee safe sex. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by
the woman's husband.
