Grateful JOW #1262

 It is normal to reflect on events and our current status at the end of the year. Although this year, like all years, has had its ups and downs, overall things are pretty good, especially by comparison.  Think about 2020 for example.  I can distinctly remember people complaining about how bad things were in the 1990’s.  Now they look back with nostalgia for those times.  All it will take is some actual bad things to happen for us to realize how good we have it right now.  So, I am grateful for all the things I still have.  Of course, the thing I’m most grateful for right now is elastic waistbands.  I must have been dreaming of a ‘wide’ Christmas. Here are some jokes about gratitude.  And I want to say thank you to all the people who walked into my life and made it outstanding, and all the people who walked out of my life and made it fantastic.

 

·         Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

 

·         A woman has got to love a bad man once or twice in her life, to be thankful for a good one.

 

·         Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.

 

·         If you can’t be content with what you have received, be thankful for what you have escaped.

 

·         The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings.

 

·         Even though we can’t have all we want, we ought to be thankful we don’t get what we deserve.

 

·         God gave us our relatives; thank God we can choose our friends.

 

·         If a fellow isn’t thankful for what he’s got, he isn’t likely to be thankful for what he’s going to get. 

 

How do generals show their gratitude to their troops?

They give tanks.

 

After breast enlargement surgery, serenaded her plastic surgeon with the old Bob Hope theme: "Thanks for the mammaries."

 

I received a mind-controlled calculator for Christmas.  Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.

 

A scientist finds a crashed alien spaceship

An alien is still alive, and the scientist helps him fix the spaceship so the alien can go back home.
As a sign of gratitude, the alien tells the scientist that he will answer him a single question, whatever it is or however it's formulated. As the alien was about to take off, the scientist finally comes up with a question.
"What is the best question that I could possibly ask you in this situation and what is the answer to it?", the scientist asked.
"The best question is the one you just asked, and the answer to it is the one I just gave you", says the alien and flies away

 

A Swedish man goes to a job interview. The interviewers are really impressed by how professional he is.

"Wow! You have an amazing resume, and you present yourself very well, but you seem to be missing four years on this part of your resume, what happened there?" asked an interviewer.

"Oh, sure, that’s when I went to yale" says the man’

The interviewers are even more impressed and offer him a job on the spot. The man shows his gratitude by saying "Thank you for the yob."

 

An old couple enters a cafe in Normandy, overlooking the beach.

The couple are clearly tourists, and when the couple sits down at a table the waitress noticed that the old man is missing a part of his leg. Curious, the waitress approaches them and decides to ask why.
After asking the question the old woman answers, stating that her husband fought in the war and lost his leg and most of his hearing on the beach not far from here during the landing at Normandy.
Upon hearing this the waitress rushes to the kitchen without taking their order only to show up again moments later with a laden service tray and starts to put sandwiches, pancakes, cakes as well as two cups of coffee on the table. Confused the elderly lady tells the waitress that they didn't order this and don't have enough money with them to pay for all of this.
"Don't worry miss, I spoke with my boss and since your husband lost his leg while fighting here in the war all of this is free."
The woman smiles in gratitude and leans towards her husband to repeat what the waitress just said directly into his ear after which he starts smiling as well, shakes the waitress her hand in gratitude and says:
"Vielen dank, das ist sehr nett von dir!"

 

And finally.

A little old lady sold pretzels on the street corner for fifty cents each. Every day, a young lawyer would exit his office building at lunch, and as he passed her pretzel stand, he'd leave two quarters. However, he never took a pretzel.
This went on for nearly five years.
Even though they never spoke, every day he'd leave fifty cents, they'd make eye contact, and she would nod her gratitude as he walked away without a pretzel.
Finally one day, as the lawyer passed her stand and laid down his two quarters, the pretzel woman spoke to him.
"Sir, I appreciate your business. You are my best customer, but you need to know something. The price of pretzels has gone up to seventy-five cents."

 

Ho Ho Holidays #1261

 It is Christmas once again when stores try to convince us to be happy by buying *stuff* for people.  While it is popular to denigrate the commercial aspects of the season I, as an extrovert, do enjoy the crowds which are generally in a happy, festive mood.  I especially like the chance to connect with family and friends as the year comes to a nice chilly close.  I hope all of you are as fortunate as we are and that you all have a Merry Christmas.  Here are some topical bits of humor for your enjoyment.

 

Bob – I love these cookies.

Glenn – They are a secret family recipe

Bob – You have a secret family?

Glenn – Please don’t tell my wife

 

If a snow man went from the North Pole to the South Pole would he be bipolar?

 

Are the Christmas lights working?

Off and on

 

Have you heard about Adolph, the brown-nosed reindeer?

He can run as fast as Rudolph, he just can’t stop as fast.

 

As a man bought a Christmas Tree the salesman asked, “Are you going to put that up yourself?”

“No, I’m putting it up in the living room.” the man replied with a wince.

 

What did the wise men say after they offered up their gifts of gold and frankincense?
Wait, there’s myrrh.

Then there was the rebellious teen who rejected Santa.  He was a rebel without a Claus

 

Why not get dead batteries for the holiday?
They’re free of charge.

 

Some Christmas Knock Knock jokes

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Chris.
Chris who?
Christmas is almost here!

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Howard.
Howard who?
Howard you like to sing with me?

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Honda.
Honda who?
Honda first day of Christmas my true love sent to me …

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Anna.
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Dexter.
Dexter who?
Dexter halls with boughs of holly 

 

Knock, knock! 
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for Christmas

 

Knock, knock!
Who’s there?
Avery.
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas to you!

 

A pastor fell into the habit of using a standard liturgy for funerals. To personalize each service, he entered a “find and replace” command into his word processor. The computer would locate the name of the deceased from the previous funeral and replace it with the name of the deceased for the upcoming one.

Not long ago, the pastor told the computer to find the name “Mary” and replace it with “Edna.” The next morning, the funeral was going smoothly until the congregation intoned the Apostles’ Creed. “Jesus Christ,” they read from the printed program, “born of the Virgin Edna.”

 

A man in a high-end department store pointed to an elaborate train set and said to the salesgirl, ‘What a marvelous train set. I’ll buy it.’

The girl behind the counter looked pleased and murmured, ‘Great, I’m sure your son will really love it.’

Dad replied with a glint in his eye, ‘Maybe you’re right. In that case I’ll take two.’

Like the old joke goes:

How are boobs like train sets?  They are for children, but men still want to play with them.’

 

A twenty something miss buttonholed a mall Santa and asked if older girls could make a wish.

‘Of course,’ replied Santa, ‘What would you like?’

‘Something for my mother, please,’ replied Emily sweetly.

‘Something for your mother? Well, that’s very loving and thoughtful of you,’ smiled Santa. What would you like me to bring her?’

Emily answered quickly, ‘A son-in-law.’

 

A Dubliner proposed to his girlfriend on Christmas Day and gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond.
“You cheap bum!” she yells. “This isn’t even real.”
“I know,” he replied. “But in honor of Saint Patrick, I thought I’d buy you a sham-rock.”

 

A couple were out Christmas shopping.  The mall was packed with people picking up last minute gifts for their loved ones.   The wife was so involved in her shopping that it was a while before she noticed that her husband had disappeared in the crowds.  After looking around for him for a while she picked up her cell and gave him a call.

“Where are you, honey?” she asked.

“Relax.  Do you remember that jewelry store with the blue front we went into a year ago?”

“You mean the one that had the diamond necklace that I loved so much?” she replied, her heart beating faster.

“Yeah, that’s the one. I am in the bar right next to it.”

 

It was just before Christmas, and the jailer was in a good mood. He asked the prisoner who was in the dock, ‘What are you charged with?’

The prisoner replied, ‘Doing my Christmas shopping too early’.

‘That’s no crime’, said the jailer. ‘Just how early were you doing this shopping?’

‘Before the shop opened’, answered the prisoner.

 

A gnome is in the garden busily destroying some bushes when a house cat appears.

“What are you?” asks the cat.
“A gnome,” comes the reply. “I steal food from humans. I kill their plants and I love mischief. And what, may I ask, are you?”
The cat replies, “Um, I guess I’m a gnome.” 

 

A man went up to an ice cream vendor and asked, ‘Large cone please’ in a quiet, croaky voice."

"Vendor says, ‘Raspberry syrup?’

‘Yes please,’ replies the man in the same painful sounding voice.

'Crushed nuts?’

‘No,’ says the bloke, pointing to his throat, Laryngitis.’"

 

And finally

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”

The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle”, he said.

“Very well, you may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.

The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”

Saint Peter said, “You may also pass through the pearly gates.”

The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”

The man replied, “These are Carol’s.”

 

 

Silver Alert JOW #1260

Sometimes I see so-called Silver Alerts which are used when old people wander off from their caretakers.  Lately I think we may need to put out a Silver Alert on Joe Biden.  Since the party rejected his bid for a second term he has vanished from the scene.  I have never known a sitting president of the US to completely disappear like that. Biden is like the Spanish magician who gets up on and says, "Uno, Dos..." and *Poof* ... He disappears without a Tres.

We had a better idea of where his VP was; after the election she was on a beach in Hawaii sipping Mai Tais.  Although his wife has been in the news, Joe has vanished from the scene almost completely and the network news hasn’t mentioned him in weeks, yet things seem to keep ticking along.  I guess it is true – any fool can run the country.  Anyway, here are some jokes about missing and disappearing things.

 

What do you call a disappearing President?

Hocus POTUS

 

What did McDonalds call their new disappearing sandwich?

The Biden Burger

 

Joe Biden is like a web browser with 19 tabs open; seventeen are frozen and he doesn't know where the music is coming from

 

Joe Biden had a meeting with the Cabinet today

He also spoke to the bookcase and argued with the desk.

 

Maybe they should dress Biden in a red and white striped shirt like Waldo.  I remember some Waldo jokes:

 

Why is Waldo’s shirt striped?

He doesn’t want to be spotted.

 

Why did Waldo and Carmen Sandiego get jobs at Home Depot?

Because you can never find anyone who works there.

 

Why did Waldo meditate

To find himself

 

Waldo is working out at the gym

He sees another guy there and asks, "hey man, can you spot me?"
The guy says: "Well I'll try my best, but it might take me a while."

 

What is Waldo's least favorite dish?

Fondue!

 

Why did Waldo go into therapy?

To find himself

 

Waldo once insulted Chuck Norris

Which is why Waldo is hiding

 

I named my TV remote Waldo.

For obvious reasons.

 

Try this prank.

Step 1: Go to Starbucks.

Step 2: Order your coffee.

Step 3: Tell them your name is Waldo.
Step 4: Leave.

 

Knock knock

Who's there?
Waldo.
Waldo?! Where in the world have you been?! We've been looking everywhere for you!

 

Which got me thinking about disappearances in general.

 

How do you make a one disappear?

Add a G and it’s gone.

 

Did you hear about the magician who made an art gallery disappear?

Now museum, now you don't.

 

My water disappeared

It shall be mist

 

Marvel supervillain Thanos' finger snap would have a greater impact if they found a way to make it seem like half the audience disappeared.

Apparently only DC movies can do that.

 

Which made me think of the DC comic joke:

A man goes up to Professor X and says he'd like to join the X-Men. 'Sure,' Professor X says. 'What's your ability?'

'I have perfect hindsight,' the man says.

Professor X frowns. 'I really don't think that's going to help us much.'

'Yeah,' the man replies, 'I can see that now.'

 

A man calls the police and reports that his girlfriend has gone missing

A male and a female police officer turn up at his house and begin to interview him. The female officer asks the man if he has any theories on where she might be. The man responds with “This is going to sound weird, but I think she disappeared into the magic coffee table”
The officers look confused and ask him to elaborate. “It’s really strange but whenever I leave things on this coffee table they disappear and reappear somewhere else. When I leave take out containers on it they disappear and reappear in the trash. When I leave dirty plates and mugs on it, they disappear and reappear in the cupboards washed, dried and stacked neatly. When I leave my dirty clothes on it they disappear! and reappear cleaned and neatly folded on my bed” The female police officer looks at the man and says “You’re an idiot. No wonder your girlfriend has left you.”

And the male officer says “I don’t think she’s left him. I think he’s right. I’ve got a coffee table like that at my house, too.”

 

One friend complains to another, “All my husband and I do any more is fight. I’ve been so upset, I’ve lost 20 pounds.”
“If it’s that bad, why don’t you just leave him?” asks the other friend.
“I’d like to lose another 15 pounds first.”

 

Two criminals are taking a walk deep in the woods one dark night.
“Boy, it sure is creepy out here,” says the first outlaw.
“How do you think I feel?” replied his companion. “I have to walk back alone.” 

 

And finally, a variation on one of my favorite jokes:

A horse walks into a bar; the bartender asks, "Hello, do you want a beer?"

The horse responds, "I think not," and promptly disappears.

Now, admittedly, this joke only makes sense if you are familiar with the French Enlightenment philosopher, Rene Descartes, who famously said, "I think, therefore I am." The horse thought not, and therefore wasn't...
But if I had explained that first, I would have been putting Descartes before the horse.

 

 

 

This and That JOW #1259

 I have been sending out my Jokes of the Week since way back in the 20^th Century.   I have a very good memory for jokes, I am not sure how many jokes I know but it is a lot.   I have been posting them on my blog ( thospinneyjow.blogspot.com ) since 2008.  Each JOW is about a thousand words so that is a lot of jokes.  Have I ever used a joke more than once?  Yup.  Well, usually not exactly the same, but similar.  In fact, there are not many new jokes, just variations of jokes that have been around for decades if not centuries.  Here are a variety of jokes, some almost new, for your amusement.

 

Elon Musk is such a dumbass.

He paid $40 billion for Twitter & all he got in return was 3 branches of government.

 

I went to a psychic and accidentally broke her crystal ball.

It cost me a fortune.

 

Many will know about Samson, the strong biblical warrior.

His dad, Samsonite, was even more of a hard case.

 

We do not throw away perfectly good food in my house.

We put it in Tupperware and wait for it to go bad and then we throw it away.

 

I tried to feed my pet Aardvark some flying ants today.

He turned his nose up.

 

What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red Paint.

 

Did you hear about the massive sale at the Lego store?
People were lining up for blocks!

I suspect there will never be an edible version of Scrabble.

But if there is, I’ll eat my words.

 

My parrot recently died. Its last words were, 'Awwk, I think my parrot's about to die.’

 

What do you call a French man wearing sandals? Philippe Philoppe

 

What do you call a unicorn that’s had its horn removed?
Eunuchorn.

 

What do you name a woman that burns all her bills?
Bernadette.

 

I once walked into my sister's room and tripped on a bra. It was a boobie trap.

 

What kind of music do ballons hate? Pop.

 

If life gives you lemons, make lemonade. If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.

 

Two fish are in a tank. One turns to the other and says, ‘You to drive this thing while I load the cannon.’

 

A man tells his doctor, 'Help me doctor, I'm addicted to Twitter!' The doctor responds, 'Sorry, I don't follow you...'

 

How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one...or two? One...or two?

 

A man went to the doctor and said 'I think I have hearing problems.'

The doctor asks 'can you describe the symptoms?"

'Sure! Homer is fat and Marge has blue hair.’

 

I saw an ear doctor today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion.

Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

 

A lady goes to the doctor with a lettuce leaf sticking out of her knickers.

The doctor says, 'Oh, this is a strange one.' ...

The lady says, 'And that's just the tip of the iceberg.'”

 

If artists wear Sketchers …

Do linguists wear Converse?

 

My perfume store got robbed!

They took every scent I had.

 

A friend wanted to start collecting dogs.

I gave him a couple of pointers.

 

Yesterday I wore something from my old Navy uniform, and it still fit!!!

It was a pair of socks, but still.

 

I just received a mind-controlled calculator for my birthday.

Not the greatest present but it’s the thought that counts.

 

So the family recently discovered Grandpa is taking Viagra. We were all okay with it, but Grandma has been taking it hard.

 

 

Yesterday I couldn’t figure out whether someone was waving at me or the person behind me. In other news, I lost my lifeguard job.

 

I bought a wooden car. It’s got wooden engine, wooden doors, wooden seats, wooden wheels, even a wooden key. Guess what?
Wooden start.

 

I still think Airplane! was one of the funniest movies ever:

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, "Surely, it's not going to rain today?"

And she replied, "Yes it is, and don't call me Shirley."

That was when I realized I'd left my phone on Airplane mode.

 

A guy who had forgotten the dates for several of his friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, decided to get something to help him remember.  He went to a few computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck.  Finally, he asked one of the clerks, "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" 

"Have you tried a wife?" the clerk responded.
~~~~~

After waiting more than an hour and a half for her date, Melissa decided she had been stood up. She changed from her best dinner dress into her pajamas and slippers, fixed herself a snack and resigned herself to an evening of TV. No sooner had she flopped down in front of the TV than her doorbell rang. There stood her date.
He took one look at her and gasped, "I'm two hours late ... and you're still not ready?"

``````

A son tells his father, “I have an imaginary girlfriend.” 

The father sighs and says, “You know, you could do better.”

“Thanks, Dad,” the son says.
The father shakes his head and says, “I was talking to your girlfriend.”

 

And finally

Two priests walking see a drunk who staggers over to them and says, “I am Jesus Christ.”
“No, you are not,” responds a priest.
The drunk says, “I’ll bet you a drink that I am Jesus Christ.”

The priests are speechless.

“Follow me and I’ll prove I am Jesus Christ,” says the drunk, who walks into a pub. The priests shrug and follow the drunk into the pub.
As soon as the bartender sees the drunk, he exclaims, “Jesus Christ, what are you doing back in here? I told you to leave until you sober up!”

 

Car JOW #1258

 We drove up to enjoy our annual Thanksgiving feast with family in our new car, a nice bland white hybrid SUV.  We sold my red Chevy pickup (Grandpa’s Big Red Truck). It was a bit too high for easy egress for us at this point in our lives.  Getting down from it felt like you were parachuting out of an airplane.  But all that holiday driving got me thinking about automobiles in general so here are some more or less auto-related jokes this week.

 

With the rise of self-driving vehicles, it's only a matter of time before we get a country song where a guy's truck leaves him too.

 

What type of car does a chicken farmer drive?
A coupe.

 

If a piano player is called a pianist, wouldn’t a racecar driver be called a racist?

 

If I owned a DeLorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.

 

Why do chicken coops have two doors?
If they had four doors, they'd be chicken sedans.

 

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.

 

Man: “Will this car fit five people?”
Salesman: “Of course, without any problems.”
Man: “Oh, that is unfortunate.  My friends have lots of those.”

 

Does Lightning McQueen get life insurance or car insurance?

 

A man crashed his new expensive car into a tree.
He now knew how the Mercedes bends.

 

If I owned a DeLorean, I would probably only drive it from time to time.

 

Why did the suicidal man cross the busy road?
To get to the other side.

 

What do you get when you put a car and a pet together?
Carpet.

 

Never get into a lane-merging game of chicken with a person who has a garbage bag for a car-door window.

 

Honda is the oldest car made in the world. It was mentioned in the bible!
The apostles were all in Accord.

 

What’s the difference between a Ferrari and six trash bags full of recyclable cans?
I don’t have a Ferrari in my garage.

 

That’s not a leak on the garage floor.
My car just marking its territory.

 

Porsche will sell electric sports car specifically for environmentally conscious owners who are experiencing a midlife crisis.

 

Wanted: A man who has been stealing wheels from police cars.
Police are working tirelessly to catch him.

 

If you ever feel like your job has no purpose, always remember that there is someone who is installing a turn signal in a BMW.

 

Robin: The car Batmobile won’t start
Batman: Did you check the battery
Robin: What’s a tery?

 

My car was stolen. I was stuck with just my phone, No Kia.

 

The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.

 

My 35-year long boycott of Ferrari and Lamborghini is still going strong!
And will continue until they lower the price.

 

Did you know that Fiat is making a new heated tailgate?
It’s so your hands stay warm when you are pushing it back home in the winter.

 

Did you hear about the LEGO truck that crashed on the highway? Authorities are still trying to piece everything together.

 

What has 4 wheels and flies? A garbage truck.

 

My dad decided to name his new truck “Stormtrooper”. That way he doesn’t hit anything.

 

A truck carrying toupees crashed on the highway, spilling everything. Police are combing the area.

 

A truck carrying thesauruses crashed on a motorway near my house. All the onlookers were startled, shocked, amazed, speechless and dumbfounded.

 

A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the highway. Looking at the car, he was astounded to see that the elderly woman behind the wheel was knitting.

The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “Pull over!”

“No!” the woman yelled back, “Cardigan!” 

 

A cop pulls a guy over for suspected drunk driving. The cop opens the door, and the driver falls out onto the asphalt. The cop says, “Man, you’re so drunk, you can’t even walk!”
The drunk says, “Yup, that’s why I took my car!”

 

Shifting gears, here are some lesser-known knights

 

The knight who was afraid to fight: Sir Render

The knight from a different reality: Sir Real

The overweight knight” Sir Round.

The knight who designed the round table: Sir Cumference

The knight who was never killed in battle:  Sir Vivor

The knight who exceeded expectations: Sir Passed

The knight who was unexpected: Sir Prize

The knight who overcame obstacles: Sir Mount

The knight who collected for the kingdom: Sir Tax

The knight who made accurate maps: Sur Veyor

The knight who drank too much: Sir Rhosis

The knight who excelled: Sir Perb

The knight who performed in the big top: Sir Cus

The knight who was the saddest: Sir Rowful

The knight who wasn’t needed” Sir Perluous

 

Vegans claim that “People who sell meat are gross!”

But if you think about it, people who sell veggies are grocer. 

 

Sad after the funeral of a friend, a man ducked into a Chinese restaurant for a pick-me-up. The feel-good session ended when he read the fortune cookie: “You will soon be reunited with a good friend.”

 

A Hollywood producer calls his friend, another Hollywood producer, on the phone.

“Hey, how are you doing?” he asks.

“Well!” responds the friend. “I just sold a screenplay for $200,000. I also wrote a novel and got a $50,000 advance from the publisher. I have a new TV series airing next week, and everyone says it’s going to be a hit. I’m doing great! How are you?”

“OK,” says the first producer. “I’ll call you back when you’re alone.” 

And finally:

For his birthday, an old man’s nephews secretly hired a call girl for him. When he answered the door, a hooker was standing there in a slinky black dress.

She smiles and says, “I’m here to give you super sex.”

After thinking for a minute the old man replies, “I guess I’ll have the soup.”

 

JOW is a Carnival #1256

 With all the recent political activity recently, my attention naturally turned to first clowns, then the circus and finally carnivals.  I am old enough to remember the old low-end carnivals that would come to Jacksonville.  Even as a little kid I knew they were pretty cheesy, but before the internet and even much TV, people did not have access to view oddities.  I remember you could pay to see freaks like the fat woman, the tattooed man, and the bearded lady.  Nowadays these folks are fully integrated into society.  In fact, some of them are elected officials.  My jokes this week focus on bygone days when there were these traveling shows.

 

They just opened a circus nearby. I went last Saturday. All I could say is that it was in tents.

 

They had to close the carnival.

There was a freak accident

 

What do you call a dog in a circus?

A carnival barker

 

A dyslexic clown got confused about the 2nd Amendment and armed the Bears

 

King Arthor had a knight who performed in the big top: Sir Cus

 

The local circus fired the human cannonball a few hours ago.

The performer went ballistic, and witnesses confirmed the performer was over the hill

Now they can’t find a man of the right caliber to replace him.

 

"Look Dad! The clowns are leaving the circus to go get food!"

"Son how many times do I have to tell you? Those are called *Congressmen* leaving the *Capitol* for lunch."

 

A man comes to the circus director and says he would like to work there.
- What are your special skills? - the director asks.
- I can imitate birds - the man replies.
- Sorry, but we already have someone who imitates birds - the director responds.
- Oh dear, that's a pity! - sighs the man and flies away.

 

A man walks into a bar and does a somersault, a cartwheel and finally backflips onto a barstool.
The bartender asks him: "Wow! How did you do that?"

The horse answers: "Well, I've worked in the circus for all my life, so that's how."

The barman nods approvingly and gives the man a free drink.
A couple minutes later another man walks. He does a front flip, a pirouette and finally lands onto the barstool.

The barman asks him: "Well have I ever! Did you also work in circus.

The man answers: "No, I just tripped over the doormat."

 

 

A man was wandering around a circus and stopped to watch a guy hosing down an elephant. The man asked him how he liked looking after such a large beast.

"Well," said the man, “It’s a very dirty and time-consuming job. I’m awake at 5 am to prepare his breakfast, then shovel out the vast amount of manure that has been produced overnight.  Some days there is a bowel blockage, and I have to insert my hand up there to clear it out. The smell is revolting.  I do this 7 days a week."
"That's terrible", said the man "have you thought about getting another job?"
"What!!" said the guy,” and give up show business?

 

Then there was the man who circumcises elephants for the circus; he said the pay is lousy; but the tips are enormous.

 

A couple took their young son for his first visit to the circus.

When his father left to buy popcorn, the boy asked, "Mom, what's that long thing on the elephant?" "That's the elephant's trunk, dear," she replied.

“No, Mom, down underneath."

His mother blushed and said, "Oh, that's nothing."

The father returned and the mother went off to get a soda.

As soon as she left, the boy repeated his question.

The father took a good look and explained, "That's the elephant's penis.”

"Dad, how come when I asked Mom, she said it was nothing?" the boy persisted.

The man took a deep breath and replied, "Son, I've spoiled that woman."

 

A man and his wife are sitting down to dinner.
“Yakov's Moscow Circus is coming to town this week,” she said. “The poster says they have a dancing bear. I always wanted to see one of those.”
“Maybe next year,” says the man. “Work is really busy this week.”
The next night at dinner, the man can barely sit down before his wife starts talking excitedly.
“The neighbors went to the show today and said the tightrope walkers were doing the Hokey Pokey right up there on the wire! Can you even imagine?”
“I’d love to take you,” said the man. “But the boss will be mad if I don’t get this project finished.”
The following night the wife gushed about how the paperboy told her about how a dozen clowns had popped out of this tiny car and did the can-can in bloomers and it was about the funniest thing he ever saw. The man was starting to feel a little bad that he couldn’t take her, but work was work.
The night after, the wife was downcast.
“My book club said last night the lion tamer and the girl who rides the elephants did a waltz and it was just perfectly romantic,” she said. “It feels like we’re the only people in town who haven’t seen the show yet and they only have one more tomorrow! Oh, please can’t we go?”
The man thinks it over and decides that this might be the only opportunity for them to see such a thing, and maybe work can wait. He calls his friend to ask him to cover for him at work the next day, and the man and his wife go to bed excited about seeing the show.
The next day at work the boss notices the man is out and inquired about it with the friend.
“Oh,” says the friend. “He can’t come in today due to four unseen circus dances.”

 

Veteran JOW #1255

Yesterday was Veteran’s Day, which seems to be growing in popularity.  Perhaps this is because the percentage of veterans continues to decline.  When I was a kid virtually all men had spent time in the armed forces.  Now, the percentage is about 6%.  Apparently, the armed forces are more efficient now.  In the past, when people said ‘thank you for your service’ I would reply that I got paid, traveled around the world at government expense, and they let me blow stuff up.   Now I just say, ‘thank you.’ 

I have a few jokes and anecdotes about veterans.  I hope you enjoy them. 

 

Knock, knock.
(Who’s there?)
Noah.
(Noah, who?)
Noah good joke about Veterans Day?

 

Did you hear about the soldier who sneaked behind enemy lines disguised as a Christmas tree?
He was a decorated veteran.

 

A bitter Army Veteran storms into a classroom and shouts “If it weren’t for me, you’d all be speaking German!”
“That’s right” replies the High School German teacher.

 

 “What’s the most disrespectful question that you can ask a vet?”
Grandfather replied, “Why didn’t you become a real doctor?”

 

A veteran’s son asks him, “Dad, did you get shot in the army?”
The dad replies, “Nope! But I got shot in the leggy.”

 

A veteran father asked his son if he knew why the army was so strict about their uniforms.
He didn’t know, so the dad told him, “It’s to minimize casual tees.”

 

I once teased a seasick pal of mine who was losing it over the railing alongside several other sailors.

“I never knew you had such a weak stomach,” I said.

“It’s not weak,” he replied. “I’m throwing up just as far as the rest of these guys.”

 

What do menopausal veterans get?
Hot flashbacks.

 

The various services are different.

 

If you’re a veteran, I can tell what branch of the military you were in based on how you understand the phrase “secure the building.”
If you were a Marine you think it means to hit the building with mortar and machine gun fire.
If you were in the Army you think it means going from room to room and clearing them of enemy combatants.
If you were in the Navy it means to turn out all the lights and locking the door.
If you were in the Air Force it means to take out a five-year lease with an option to buy.

 

What do soldiers do when they find a scorpion in their tent?

In the Marines, they kill the scorpion. In the Army, they call their CO and report the presence of the scorpion.

In the Air Force, he calls the front desk and asks why there’s a tent in his room.

The Navy wonders what a tent and a scorpion are.

 

How different military branches use the stars:

The Army sleeps beneath the stars.

The Navy uses the stars to navigate.

The Air Force chooses their hotels based on the stars.

Marines get gold star stickers after they finish eating the whole box of crayons.

~~~~~~~~

A little boy was staring in wonder at the names on a plaque in an old church. The pastor noticed him and asked, “What are you looking at, my son?”

The boy replied, “All those names up there. Who are they?”

The pastor smiled and said, “Why, they are the names of people from this congregation who died in the service.”

The little boy thought for a moment and then asked very quietly, “Which one? The 9:00 or the 11:00 service?”

 

A Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the Colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.

 

A veteran called Robert walks into the bar and grabs a drink. The man to his right begins a conversation. After an hour and many drinks pass by, they find out that they were both veterans from Vietnam.
Robert: I was only a helicopter mechanic, but I have seen all the horrors of that war. <br>
The other veteran: Oh, I still have nightmares of all the people that I’ve killed. It’s horrible!
Robert: I totally understand you; I’ve killed 15 men.
The other veteran: Wait, but you were only a helicopter mechanic...
Robert: Never said I was a good one.

 

A guy goes into a post office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine. I can’t drink coffee”.
“Have you ever been in the military?”
“Yes, I served two years in Iraq”
The interviewer says, “That will give you extra points towards employment.” Then he asks, “Do you have any disabilities?”
The guy says, “Yes, a bomb exploded near me, and I lost both of my testicles”.
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “OK, you’re a dis*bled veteran, you have enough points for me for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are 8 am to 4 pm. You can start here tomorrow at 10 am and make that your start time every day”.
The guy is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are 8-4, why don’t you want me here til 10 am?”
“This is a government job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. There’s no point in you coming in for that.”

And finally.

A General retired after 35 years and realized a life-long dream of buying a bird-hunting estate in South Dakota. He invited an old friend to visit for a week of pheasant-shooting. The friend was in awe of the General's new bird dog, 'Sarge''.
The dog could point, flush and retrieve with the very best, and the friend offered to buy the dog at any price. The General declined, saying that Sarge was the very best bird dog he had ever owned and that he wouldn't part with him at any price.
A year later the same friend returned for another week of hunting and was surprised to find the General breaking in a new dog. ''What happened to ole ‘Sarge?'' he asked.
''Had to get rid of him,'' grumbled the General. ''A friend came to hunt with me and couldn't remember the dog's name. He kept calling him Colonel. After that, all that damn dog would do was sit on his ass and bark.

 

 

Political JOW #1254

I remember when Halloween was the scariest night of the year. Now, it’s Election night.  The whole 2024 election is like a sequel nobody asked for, but we all have to watch. Well, it has finally come to a shuddering close.  Finally, we will get a break from the constant stream of political ads.  Since we are at the height of the political season, I have a few jokes about politics.

```````

Let me start: the 2024 US Presidential Election.
That’s it. That’s the entire joke.

``````````

Waiting for results on election night is like waiting for your grade on a group project. I know I did my part right, but I’m worried the rest of you screwed it up.

 

“Because it would be hilarious,” is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.

 

Why do we Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

 

Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.

 

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it, misdiagnosing it and then misapplying the wrong remedies.

 

Some riddles

Why did the election chicken cross the road?
To avoid both sides!

 

How many congressmen does it take to change a light bulb?
Two—one to change the bulb and one to change it back again.

 

What’s the difference between death and taxes?
Congress doesn’t meet every year to make death worse.

 

What do you call a bad lawyer?
Senator.

 

What do you get when you cross a politician with a joke?
The 2024 election.

 

Why did the candidate cross the road?
To avoid the press.

 

Why did the campaign chicken cross the road?
To flip-flop.

 

What costs hundreds of millions of dollars but is completely worthless?
Runner up in the presidential election.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When I was a kid, my dad always told me anyone could become president. Now that I’m an adult, I believe it … and it gives me nightmares!

 

Have you heard about McDonald’s new presidential value meal? You order whatever you want, and the person who comes after you has to pay for it.

 

The secret to making Congress more efficient is to replace all the people with horses. Sure, every vote would end in “neighs,” but hay, at least the housing market would be stable.

 

Republicans and Democrats came together in Congress to allow medicinal marijuana for the purpose of relieving arthritis pain. So, there is joint support for joints for joint support.

 

Did you hear Starbucks is offering a specialty drink just for Election Day? It’s called the “fullacrapuccino.”

 

Russians and Chinese confused about why it takes America so long to get a definitive result from their election—the know their election results months in advance!

 

If Chuck Norris were president, he’d protect the Secret Service.

 

Man: Two years ago, my brother ran for Congress.
Friend: What does he do now?
Man: Nothing—he got elected.

 

Kid: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane? Have you completely lost your mind? Are you a moron?
Kid: Forget it. There seems to be too many requirements.

 

A politician running for office was asked about his policy on liquor. He answered, “If you mean the demon drink that poisons the body, ruins the mind, destroys the family and creates criminals, then I’m against it! But if you mean the beautiful drink used for a wedding toast, the foundation of a fun Friday night and the biggest source of tax revenue to fund needy orphans, then I’m for it! And I won’t change my mind, no matter what you say.”

 

1917, October: A lady, the granddaughter of a Decembrist, is sitting in her own house on Nevsky. When she hears a noise on the street, she asks her janitor to find out what is going on there.

Madam, the revolution is there! - the janitor returns.

Oh, how wonderful! - the lady rejoices - my grandfather dreamed of a revolution! Please, go and find out what the revolutionaries want?!

Lady, they want there to be no rich - says the janitor returning.

Strange - the lady says thoughtfully - my grandfather wanted there to be no poor!

 

In a high school civics class, they were discussing the qualifications for becoming President of the United States. The requirements are pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural-born citizen and at least 35 years old.
A blonde girl in the class piped up and began complaining about how unfair it was to require the candidate to be a natural-born citizen. In her opinion, that made it impossible for many qualified people to run for the office.
She went on and on, wrapping up her argument with “What makes a natural-born citizen more qualified to be President than one born by C-Section?”

And finally:

The year is 2032 and the United States has just elected the first woman president, who happens to be from Wisconsin. A few days after the election, the president-elect, whose name is Susan, calls her father and says, “So, Dad, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?”
“I don’t think so, Susie. It’s an 18-hour drive.”
“Don’t worry about it, dad! I will send Air Force One, and a limousine to pick you up at your door.”
“I don’t know, Susie. Everybody will be so fancy. What would your mother wear?”
“Oh, Dad,” replies Susan, “I’ll make sure she has a wonderful gown, custom-made by the best designer in Washington.”
“Honey,” her dad complains, “you know I can’t eat those rich foods you eat. Do they serve tap beer?”
The president-to-be responds, “Don’t worry, Dad. The entire affair will be handled by the best caterer in Washington. I’ll ensure your meal has potatoes and cheddar in it. You and mom just have to be there.”
So, her dad reluctantly agrees, and when Susan is sworn in as president of the United States. In the front row sit Susan’s parents. Her dad, noticing a Senator sitting next to him, leans over and whispers, “You see that woman over there with her hand on the Bible?”
“You bet I do,” whispers the Senator in reply.
The dad proudly beams, “Her brother played football for the Green Bay Packers.”